AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong helping our son get his first full time job in London?

[OneMerryFinch]

Our eldest graduated last year with a First in Economics and Maths from Durham. We were incredibly proud of him because he worked very hard. Worked very hard through school, did lots of work experiences, debating abroad, rowing, essentially seized every opportunity he’s not lazy at all.

While at university he found all of his internships himself and also secured a year-long placement. They offered him a graduate role afterwards on £35k in London, but he didn't want to go back to the place. They gave him a wonderful reference despite out son being very honest saying that the pay was not great and that’s the reason. DH also thought that salary was poor for London given the cost of living.

After graduating he did another summer internship, then went travelling. When he came back in December he was living at home and working in a local farm shop. I arranged that job because I've known the owners all my life (I actually worked there myself as a teenager).

He was applying for graduate jobs but wanted to move to London without being completely skint. His girlfriend already lives there. She earns around £30k in publishing but her parents pay her rent, so she's able to save and enjoy herself.

DH asked around among people he knows. His own company couldn't take him because they prefer graduates with some experience, but one of DH's friends said they had a suitable role and encouraged him to apply. He was offered the job on £40k. We've also offered to help him with his rent while he's getting established.

My friend’s son is a similar age and has been struggling to find graduate work. She asked how our son got his job and what the salary was. I answered honestly.

Now she's saying we've raised him to be spoiled, that it's unfair he got a job through connections, and that other young people don't have those opportunities.

My view is that he earned his degree himself, found all of his internships and placement himself, got excellent references, and had already proved he could do the work. Yes, DH's friend opened a door, but surely that's what networking is? Plenty of jobs are filled through recommendations, especially when someone is trusted.

Why can’t we just help our own son. It’s not as though he took the job from someone else, the job didn’t even exist on adverts. It’s how people get jobs, my first job after graduating my dad got me the job in London in the 90s and then I worked my way. It’s not as though he got me every single job.

The world just isn’t fair, why should our son have to suffer just because the world isn’t fair. We are aware the world isn’t fair that’s why we are using our connections. Everyone just wants the best for their kids it’s not done maliciously.

AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong?

My mum helps me out as well...but she doesn't pay my mortgage for me...I wouldn't let her!

If you already lived in London would you pay his rent to move out or would you let him stay at home rent free.

Honestly you've done nothing wrong. It's what you've chosen to do to support your son . He seems very bright and I wish him well

If we lived in London we would not pay his rent to move out. He would need to live at home or pay his own rent. He needs his car, we are in a village without a station

If the two jobs were offered at the same time but they weren’t. He felt he was too good for the £35k job and went off travelling. He didn’t knuckle down and get another job off the back of his own hard work. He had the money and privilege to be able to travel and relax whilst waiting for mummy and daddy to find him a job with more money.

And how does he fell about having his money transferred back? I'm afraid this would really annoy me if I was him.

More of the sad, pitiful politics of envy on this site. Every single person whining about this would do the same, if they could. Every last one of them. Yep, you too.

I developed a lot of self-worth or whatever by struggling in my 20s but now I'm in my 30s with a mortgage & nursery having "made it" I do daydream often about a magical trust fund appearing!!!

It seems ok to those who have the privilege and connections and it is aggravating to those who don't. Same as it ever was.

Do you feel differently about people getting opportunties through friends, rather than parents? What about through people they used to work with? I agree that there is a point at which it might become distasteful, but I don't think we can blame people for using contacts.

He is squandering it. By having another adult pay his rent. He’s not been in the role long enough to say his hasn’t squandered it. I would hate to have him in my team. Thank god my team is not made up of people whose parents bought them a place in it.

He feels fine. He tried to "treat us" on holiday by paying for lunches and dinners but we just gave him the money back.

Of course it's normal. Just look at LinkedIn. "My son is graduating this year, he would really appreciate a hand!" Incoming offers from CEOs and suchlike, if they are friends with the asker.

Very common also in pharmaceuticals.

I was PA to a founder some years ago. She pretty much only hired the children of her best friends. 20, 21 average age. Lovely as these young people were, it was very hard to watch them get special treatment, and I left over it.

But does it happen? Absolutely it does. I've never been in a position to benefit from it, personally. My nephew is 17 and is on course to shortly benefit from his mother's high placing in a bank. It's life.

You would have failed as a parent if you had not tried your best! He did everything himself, you just asked around. Why wouldn't you!

Bloody ridiculous people who pretend they want their kids to "struggle". If they are lazy and bumming it on the beach and need a kick in the butt, fine. When the kids have pushed themselves at school, uni, summer jobs, have done everything they are supposed to do, why on earth wouldn't you help?

If your company or your own business can sponsor your kids sport team, you do it?
If a friend ask for help, or ask you to offer something "free" from your business for an event, you do it?

When his degree and CVs are good enough to be considered, it doesn't matter his name was mentioned one way or another. Everybody would like to be in the same position, but you did nothing wrong.

Rant away - what is your rant though? Can you help your son - yes.
Is the fact you are able to do so an indicator of privilege - yes.
Is your friend wrong to feel miffed? -no
Does that mean youve done something wrong - still no.

With that attitude, we would still be in the Stone Age.

OP’s post reads less like "Did we overstep?" and more like "Please confirm that our exceptionally deserving son is different from other beneficiaries of nepotism."

It's really tough out there though and I'm not sure people should be expected to pretend they don't have contacts that might help their kids/their friends/acquaintances etc.

As other posters have said, this stuff happens at every level. My mum had a friend who worked in a local pharmacy and when they advertised a Saturday job, she mentioned it to my mum, who mentioned it to me. I probably wouldn't have seen the advert otherwise. When I applied and got an interview, I mentioned that I was Caroline's daughter and said thank you for letting my mum know etc. and maybe that connection sealed the deal or maybe it was my teenage passion for Rimmel cosmetics that clinched it 😂

The deserving youngsters (and older people, to be fair) without connections do have a harder time, it cannot be argued, they absolutely do. But that doesn't mean that using what you have to give your loved one a boost is wrong. Apart from the Saturday job in a sleepy seaside town, my mum had no contacts to boost me with, and I am hardly a captain of industry myself and I probably won't have much to offer my daughter, but you can bet your bottom dollar that when the time comes, if she wants to apply for a position that a friend of mine could help with, I will be talking her up and trying to get her into the room so that she has an opportunity to shine. I'll do what I can without shame, and what I can do isn't going to be much but every little helps. It is cut throat out there! So I can't blame the OP and I really think most parents would do the same.

And it is a completely valid view to think that the OP shouldn't have admitted the connection, but personally I am glad she did, because it is honest. Her friend's son might be every bit as good as the OPs son, but for this role at this time, the OPs kid had a leg up and that should be acknowledged truthfully or else we're all just pretending that life is a meritocracy when we know it isn't.

If someone went to Cambridge, Oxford or LSE, Imperial if it unfair if employers look on their application with more favour that another uni

Or how am employer prefers Durham to let's say Hull

Lats time I checked my brother has been a barrister for 25 years. Its safe to say he did not squander it.

Read the response I was replying to, it was in regards to my brother not my son

I'm not sure what you want from this. No, of course what you did isn't illegal. But your friend being annoyed about it isn't wrong either. Everyone is right here. You are happy with your choices so just enjoy them?

What area of law?

IF you have other children, I assume you give them the exact same monetary hand outs as your son gets- regardless of their finances?

The whole thread is basically an unhumble brag.

I wish posters would put that in their title, it would be more honest.

Maybe your son could have recommended your friends dd for the job he turned down
The system is of course grossly unfair and your paragraphs eulogising your son makes it seem as though you dont understand your boys privilege

Has this whole long thread taught you nothing?

Nearly everyone agrees that they would have given their children whatever advantage they could, just like you did.

And nearly everyone has some sympathy with the friend who resents listening you talk about it. Both these things can be true.