AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong helping our son get his first full time job in London?

[OneMerryFinch]

Our eldest graduated last year with a First in Economics and Maths from Durham. We were incredibly proud of him because he worked very hard. Worked very hard through school, did lots of work experiences, debating abroad, rowing, essentially seized every opportunity he’s not lazy at all.

While at university he found all of his internships himself and also secured a year-long placement. They offered him a graduate role afterwards on £35k in London, but he didn't want to go back to the place. They gave him a wonderful reference despite out son being very honest saying that the pay was not great and that’s the reason. DH also thought that salary was poor for London given the cost of living.

After graduating he did another summer internship, then went travelling. When he came back in December he was living at home and working in a local farm shop. I arranged that job because I've known the owners all my life (I actually worked there myself as a teenager).

He was applying for graduate jobs but wanted to move to London without being completely skint. His girlfriend already lives there. She earns around £30k in publishing but her parents pay her rent, so she's able to save and enjoy herself.

DH asked around among people he knows. His own company couldn't take him because they prefer graduates with some experience, but one of DH's friends said they had a suitable role and encouraged him to apply. He was offered the job on £40k. We've also offered to help him with his rent while he's getting established.

My friend’s son is a similar age and has been struggling to find graduate work. She asked how our son got his job and what the salary was. I answered honestly.

Now she's saying we've raised him to be spoiled, that it's unfair he got a job through connections, and that other young people don't have those opportunities.

My view is that he earned his degree himself, found all of his internships and placement himself, got excellent references, and had already proved he could do the work. Yes, DH's friend opened a door, but surely that's what networking is? Plenty of jobs are filled through recommendations, especially when someone is trusted.

Why can’t we just help our own son. It’s not as though he took the job from someone else, the job didn’t even exist on adverts. It’s how people get jobs, my first job after graduating my dad got me the job in London in the 90s and then I worked my way. It’s not as though he got me every single job.

The world just isn’t fair, why should our son have to suffer just because the world isn’t fair. We are aware the world isn’t fair that’s why we are using our connections. Everyone just wants the best for their kids it’s not done maliciously.

AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong?

The rent doesn't bother me. Giving your children money doesn't bother me. But opening the door to a privileged life/career through contacts really does.

Well, I hope OP's son did get the job fair and square as you say.

I'm really shocked at the number of pps who think it's OK to use family contacts to give your children a leg-up. I don't care what people do until they're 18 - private schools, tutors etc - that's sort of par for the course.

But once they're adults I'd have little respect for parents or youngsters who get their opportunities via their parents. The fact that pps keep telling me it's the norm just makes it worse.

Where does that leave the deserving youngsters without family connections???? That's the question I'd like to see answered here.

Yes - I know it happens. Media jobs are notorious, for example.

But OP shouldn't have told anyone. Somehow that makes it worse! It shows an unashamed attitude and it also naively expects that other parents will rejoice in your child's dubiously-gained success.

So what is your point?

Did you offer to help your friend's son?

Society has scarcely been a paragon of morality or equality for several decades.
Life is exactly what it is.

I think posters saying that it isn’t fair and that “daddy created the job” are missing the point that this young man applied and was accepted to internships off his own bat throughout university. These are incredibly difficult to get and his parents didn’t pull strings for these. He is clearly a hard working and clever young man. The friend is upset which I do understand but - newsflash - life isn’t fair. And in my view this sort of thing is going to get much much worse.

What does that imply for the world of employment as a whole, and for other children without your child's advantages?

Would you be happy for your son to be pushed aside by someone whose father knew the boss? If not, then you are being hypocritical.

Dear God, of course you do what you can to help your kids. That's normal.

Just refuse to discuss it, that's your son's business, no one else's so in the future just shut down conversations. It's a shame your friend has reacted the way she has, but contacts are a thing, always have been, always will be.

Yes actually

Every parent would want to help their children, my children never have to repay me with anything just take the opportunities and not squander those opportunities.

I think most parents would do what you do OP in terms of helping your son find a job. However, my son recently landed a summer placement where he had been competing with 3000 applicants. Over the summer, he has proven himself very capable and they have offered him to come back in a grad job after completing his 3rd year. Salary will be 50k to start with so he has done really well. I think it’s probably more satisfying having achieved this purely on his own merit. No friend of mummy or daddy on the background.

I also think it’s much more satisfying to make your own way in life. Pay your own rent when you first move out, even if it’s a bit outside centre and you have a bit of a commute.

Some employers actively encourage "refer a friend" & if the new recruit remains employed after a year, the person who did the referal receives a bonus payment.

I have received bonus payments

Loads of people get a leg up. That is life.

If you have any common sense you keep details vague.

You definitely didn't need to help him with rent when he earns £40k. Mine started out at £28k 2 years ago, in a flat share and managed. He has had a good promotion now to £42 so is a lot more comfortable, but your son does sound a bit of a pampered prince!

That is amazing, you should be very proud

@RowsOfFlowers
Years ago id just finished uni, my first job offer was in London 8am-6pm plus 3 hours of travelling. It was minimum wage as they know you haven’t got any experience. I turned it down. You gain a huge amount of debt studying, but I’m also not a doormat.

OP’s Son deserves the job. He worked very hard.

You deserve the good wage. It takes a lot to achieve a degree and you should be rewarded for it.

I was very keen on my kids 'struggling' as recently as 2020.
Then Covid came.
Uni entirely online and rubbish.
My DD developed a chronic and rare illness.
The economy collapsed.
AI took all the jobs
Climate change kicked in

Now only want them to work hard. Not so keen on " struggle".
Some of my friends with toddlers or young kids say they want their kids to struggle. I think they may change their minds.

We are all different and that is amazing for your child.

I do not want my children to struggle if we can help we will always help. My parents always helped me in my early 20s straight after university because they could

Why on earth would you have kids to watch them struggle?

The mind boggles.

So what was the purpose of this thread? Your son has advantages due to privilege. You recognise that. So why were you so offended when your friend pointed this out to you?

You keep repeating yourself, so goady 🥱

Great!

I dont think anyone disagrees with that - just wondering what you are looking for here. Validation? A rant? Congratulations on having spawned such a clever and grateful son?

Exactly

But is he more deserving than the friend's son who hasn't been able to find a job? That is what the friend is struggling with.

It sounds like DH's contact simply said there was a suitable job available and encouraged him to apply. If he applied through the usual means - submitting an application, going through interview process fairly, that sounds pretty reasonable.
It seems strange he turned down a £35k role as it didn't seem like enough for living in London, but was happy to take a £40k job years later when inflation has likely gone up...is he going to live with his GF who already lives there on £30k?

Paying his rent is a bit ridiculous though. You say you're helping him - how exactly? How is paying his rent 'helping' him? He's a grown up with a job! You say he got to where he is through his hard work and determination (and some handy contacts from dad finding this job) - surely he doesn't need anymore help unless he asks you for it?

Can i not rant ?

YABVU to not recognise the ridiculous level of privilege your son has via you and his connections. So much so that that he was able to turn down a graduate job in London because the starting salary was a touch lower than he would have liked. So much so that he was able to go travelling after graduation rather than buckle down, move home/save money, and desperately look for a graduate job like the vast majority of desperate students in the country facing a shit economy. So much so that he wasn't at all concerned with his priorities because he knew his people would ensure he got a spot somewhere in his preferred location (London) in a suitable graduate role ... and they did.

Yes, most of us help our children. And most of us would.

But most of us recognise how insanely unfair society is and getting more unfair by the day.

Most of us aren't in a position to help our children anything close to that level. Most of us can only watch while our equally hard working young people go nowhere because they know no one.

It’s fine, most people would help their children, it’s the illusion or meritocracy that is the problem.

He didnt get the job because it was a level playing field he got the job because someone held the door open.

That’s all fine, but let’s try to understand why that might piss others off.