AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong helping our son get his first full time job in London?

[OneMerryFinch]

Our eldest graduated last year with a First in Economics and Maths from Durham. We were incredibly proud of him because he worked very hard. Worked very hard through school, did lots of work experiences, debating abroad, rowing, essentially seized every opportunity he’s not lazy at all.

While at university he found all of his internships himself and also secured a year-long placement. They offered him a graduate role afterwards on £35k in London, but he didn't want to go back to the place. They gave him a wonderful reference despite out son being very honest saying that the pay was not great and that’s the reason. DH also thought that salary was poor for London given the cost of living.

After graduating he did another summer internship, then went travelling. When he came back in December he was living at home and working in a local farm shop. I arranged that job because I've known the owners all my life (I actually worked there myself as a teenager).

He was applying for graduate jobs but wanted to move to London without being completely skint. His girlfriend already lives there. She earns around £30k in publishing but her parents pay her rent, so she's able to save and enjoy herself.

DH asked around among people he knows. His own company couldn't take him because they prefer graduates with some experience, but one of DH's friends said they had a suitable role and encouraged him to apply. He was offered the job on £40k. We've also offered to help him with his rent while he's getting established.

My friend’s son is a similar age and has been struggling to find graduate work. She asked how our son got his job and what the salary was. I answered honestly.

Now she's saying we've raised him to be spoiled, that it's unfair he got a job through connections, and that other young people don't have those opportunities.

My view is that he earned his degree himself, found all of his internships and placement himself, got excellent references, and had already proved he could do the work. Yes, DH's friend opened a door, but surely that's what networking is? Plenty of jobs are filled through recommendations, especially when someone is trusted.

Why can’t we just help our own son. It’s not as though he took the job from someone else, the job didn’t even exist on adverts. It’s how people get jobs, my first job after graduating my dad got me the job in London in the 90s and then I worked my way. It’s not as though he got me every single job.

The world just isn’t fair, why should our son have to suffer just because the world isn’t fair. We are aware the world isn’t fair that’s why we are using our connections. Everyone just wants the best for their kids it’s not done maliciously.

AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong?

When I worked in Tesco everyone got their kids in there because they were guaranteed an interview if they knew someone working there. It happens at all levels not just the elite and anyone who says they wouldn’t do it for their own kids are lying and jealous.

Nothing wrong with what you've done, most (not all) would do the same. In my company we want the best and will go out and get it. Better to fish in a pond than a puddle.

Thank you. I think we will be fine though, my brother by your standards was a 'mummys boy' now he is a barrister and a father standing on his own two feet doing quite well for himself.

Op
I read all your posts..your son found an opportunity to apply due to a contact. Did well at interview and got the job. Well done to him.

Paying the rent is very generous, but shows you're a loving family. We couldn't afford to do that for many years so they just live at home with us..

Ds had a uni friend who's parents had a empty flat for them to use whenever.

In most parts of the world this is how families work. There’s a special sort of UK mentality that sees giving your kid every advantage in your power as a huge flaw.
I went to a comp, lived in a council house. My dad played skittles with the manager of the local supermarket and got me an interview for a “Saturday girl” job. I didn’t go to uni, no one in my family did.
where I lived and grew up - my dad probably did the equivalent of what OP has done for her son.
fast forward xx years and I am investing for my son, we pay for a great education, I will sweat every contact I have when the time comes, and I won’t switch off meaningful support for him until he is up and running.
like my mum and dad did for me, except that was getting me a Saturday job, letting me go on school trips when they could, buying books. They did what they could, and I will do what I can. Same as OP

If you have the means to help your child pay rent and simply choose not to, how terribly noble of you to call it ‘principle’ rather than what it is: neglect.

Quite frankly, bringing children into the world and then observing their unnecessary struggle from a comfortable distance is hardly the mark of refined parenting.

My DS is an LSE economics graduate, is it unfair that the hiring manager also went to LSE and they bonded over a shared passion for their industries they developed at university through their studies?

Yes.
That"s why I won"t charge my kids rent. Am quite British in many ways but the Indian in me can't do it. Granny would have a fit too.

I mean my Dh mentors students from my children's school. We are aware of the privilege, our children are too. If we can help our children we will help, it might not be moral but my son has the skills like any other graduate its not as though he cannot code, do quantitative analysis etc he has all the skills for the job

Privilege got him there.

Good on him from your posts. He applied , got the interview, did well and got the job.

I'm Indian as well. Never charged or will charge our kids a penny in rent.

DS pays for family meals out and we transfer the money back.

YANBU for helping your son with his job search, surely any parent will do that? And whilst turning down a job in the hope of more money does sound a bit like looking a gift horse in the mouth, £35k isn't that high a starting salary for a London-based graduate job - I had a graduate job in London 18 years ago and I started on £32k so it's fair to say that professional graduate salaries haven't come anywhere close to keeping pace with inflation. It's not relevant to say "lots of people manage in London on £35k" because there's an expectation that certain jobs pay more than that.

I am intrigued as to what would have happened if your husband hadn't managed to find him an alternative job that paid a bit more - would he have gone back and asked if the £35k job was still open, or would he have decided no job and living off his parents was a better option until he found something more to his liking?

I also don't mind saying I think it's mad that you're paying his rent for him. If his salary doesn't enable him to live in London and pay his own way, he should live somewhere else - part of learning to be an adult is learning to budget and live within your means. How is he going to do this if you're paying for his single biggest outgoing? You said it will be for the first two years so that he can spend his money on enjoying himself - great, what about after two years? You withdraw all of the rent money and then he realises he has an unaffordable lifestyle because all of his socialising money has to be spent on rent instead?

You shouldn't have told your friend hoe he got the job. But he wouldn't have got it if he hadn't been suitable. People are envious.

People are insanely ridiculous about the fact that lots of people get jobs through contacts. This has always been the case and will always be the case. Get over it and start networking rather than wallowing in victimisation and virtue-signaling.

There is absolutely no occasion for remorse; you have behaved entirely properly.

You are affording your son the privilege of a steadier beginning, and in so doing, contributing quite sensibly.

I fail to understand this 'struggle mentality'.

Yes and he did not squander it.

Yes, but can you see how he may have opportunities that others don’t? Are you capable of such reflection? Many others wouldn’t “squander” such opportunity if they were afforded it in the first place I am sure. You come across as goady.

Yes why on earth give so much detail? Friends have no idea how our dc got jobs or what financial support we have given them.

Those offended by the OP assisting her son in securing a measure of prosperity might put their energy to better use by cultivating a network, acquiring useful contacts, and pursuing employment worthy of their ambitions rather than mistaking envy for moral principle.

If you are sending 500+ CVs each week to no avail, you need an alternative spearing method.

Yep I know its privilege I haven't denied that its privilege. I will continue to help my children. Two things can be true 1) I can recognise privilege 2) I can choose to also help my children through the connections we have.

I entirely understand where you are coming from here. But, at the same time, you are ignoring the bigger picture, which is what kind of society do we want to live in? I want to live in a more equal society where all young people get decent opportunities without a few rising rapidly to the top because of the privilege that comes from wealth and contacts. Yes, all parents want to support their children to do well but there's a tendency to forget that supporting your children isn't just about payouts. It's about giving them values, teaching them to be independent, enabling them to make their own decisions, and being there as a cushion if they fall – supporting them in a crisis not as a matter of routine. And if we do want a more equal society, we have a responsibility to point out to our children how privilege works and why it is ultimately bad for all of us.

We live in a village in Hertfordshire. No there aren't many job opportunities here, but kids commute onto London. You really are not teaching your child the value of money if you keep on insisting that everyone pays their child's rent in London so the child can enjoy themselves. No we don't, although we and our neighbours can well afford it.

So, why did you start this thread OP?

This, simply!