AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong helping our son get his first full time job in London?

[OneMerryFinch]

Our eldest graduated last year with a First in Economics and Maths from Durham. We were incredibly proud of him because he worked very hard. Worked very hard through school, did lots of work experiences, debating abroad, rowing, essentially seized every opportunity he’s not lazy at all.

While at university he found all of his internships himself and also secured a year-long placement. They offered him a graduate role afterwards on £35k in London, but he didn't want to go back to the place. They gave him a wonderful reference despite out son being very honest saying that the pay was not great and that’s the reason. DH also thought that salary was poor for London given the cost of living.

After graduating he did another summer internship, then went travelling. When he came back in December he was living at home and working in a local farm shop. I arranged that job because I've known the owners all my life (I actually worked there myself as a teenager).

He was applying for graduate jobs but wanted to move to London without being completely skint. His girlfriend already lives there. She earns around £30k in publishing but her parents pay her rent, so she's able to save and enjoy herself.

DH asked around among people he knows. His own company couldn't take him because they prefer graduates with some experience, but one of DH's friends said they had a suitable role and encouraged him to apply. He was offered the job on £40k. We've also offered to help him with his rent while he's getting established.

My friend’s son is a similar age and has been struggling to find graduate work. She asked how our son got his job and what the salary was. I answered honestly.

Now she's saying we've raised him to be spoiled, that it's unfair he got a job through connections, and that other young people don't have those opportunities.

My view is that he earned his degree himself, found all of his internships and placement himself, got excellent references, and had already proved he could do the work. Yes, DH's friend opened a door, but surely that's what networking is? Plenty of jobs are filled through recommendations, especially when someone is trusted.

Why can’t we just help our own son. It’s not as though he took the job from someone else, the job didn’t even exist on adverts. It’s how people get jobs, my first job after graduating my dad got me the job in London in the 90s and then I worked my way. It’s not as though he got me every single job.

The world just isn’t fair, why should our son have to suffer just because the world isn’t fair. We are aware the world isn’t fair that’s why we are using our connections. Everyone just wants the best for their kids it’s not done maliciously.

AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong?

We did not have children to make them pay. Our children do not owe us anything, if he ends up hating London he can come home, I would never take my child's money from him. I chose to have him I knew I would have to help him for most of his life

This is so depressing.

All caring parents want the best for their children. But there should be only so far you can go and after that (after A levels) they should stand on their own feet and compete openly and fairly.

It's as bad as the days of the Old School Tie, which I'm sure MNers wouldn't approve of. Privileged people will always seek to hand on their privilege but a special satisfaction comes with knowing that you've achieved without help from Mummy and Daddy.

I'm not shocked that this kind of thing happens - I've seen it many times. But I'm shocked at so many on this thread who condone it.

I understand that and I wish the world was fair but we have to do what is best for us like everybody else. We know we are privileged enough to help him so why not its our son.

It's hardly unusual or new to make your connections work to get a job or get your children a job,any job from simply knowing the person who owns the corner shop and getting your kid a part-time job to having a way in to a fancy City job and any jobs in between.

Privilege is relative not absolute. You should be aware of your relevant privileges relative to the people you are talking to or about, and the situation that has arisen.

Well, your friend is right. It is colossally unfair that your son has a ton of financial help from you and access to a ‘network’ solely available because he happened to be born to connected parents.

Were you ‘wrong’ to help your son? No. Most parents would do the same. But your friend is right that this sort of thing furthers inequality, undermines meritocracy, crushes social mobility and unfairly rewards the already privileged. It simply helps the people who are least in need of help.

I’m sure your son does work hard and is talented. That’s not what your friend is saying. She’s simply saying that other people who are equally (or more) hardworking and talented don’t have a leg-up like your son does, and that is obviously fundamentally unfair.

Consider two marathon runners. Both train equally hard. Both are talented athletes. Both have a previous personal best of 2hrs 30 minutes. They both do a Marathon, but Runner A gets driven the first 10 miles in her mum’s car - a loophole in the race rules means that isn’t technically prohibited and she isn’t doing anything ‘wrong’. Runner B’s mum has no access to a car so she has to run the whole thing herself and doesn’t have an equal chance against Runner A despite them being equally good runners.

Your son is Runner A.

No I am not, I think it is good to be able to stand on your own two feet. We are able to help our son, we chose to have him therefore we will support him, anything he wants to do we will do our very best to help him do that. He isn't someone who just sits on his phone and does nothing he works very hard which is why we feel confident enough to help him. I am not saying he is special but he is my son. Same way I would never ask him to pay rent or do any of that, his money is his money, what business do I have in my mid 50s to take money from someone who has essentially just entered adulthood in such a hard time for young people.

Yes do what's best we all do, just perhaps show some tact and sensitivity when discussing with friends who don't have the same connections or financial advantage.

Where does someone's definition of 'help' stop and start though? Surely, back in the day, showing your kid an advert in the local paper for a job that might suit them was helping? My younger DS got his work placement during his degree because his SISTER was working at a firm and put in a word for him. That was helping.

So it has always existed to varying degrees.Everyone does what they can.

Yes, my DD had exactly the same experience. Doors are open to people from the top-tier schools that the rest of us don't even know exist. She knows that she is privileged because she got into Oxford (from a state school) but she also knows that students there who went to schools like Westminster and Eton will be handed a job because of who they know - it is not a meritocracy at all. The key factor is not that they are at Oxford, it is where they went to school.

Yep- and this is where I take issue with all the moralising that happens in situations such as these.

People whine and moan and complain and lecture when other people are able to help their kids but I can assure you that if THEY had the opportunity to do the same they would certainly not be sitting there hand wringing saying "oh no, we mustn't help you at all- its deeply unfair to the lad who lives down the road who doesnt have any help from him parents". It's total BS. Yes, it's true that life isnt fair. Noone ever promised you it would be.

What irritates me is the total bloody hypocrisy of those lecturing others about how awful they are when they know damn well they would do exactly the same thing if they had the chance.

Obviously everyone knows these situations are how children get a start. Daddy knows whoever, mummy pays the rent, this young man will likely out earn me in a few years and have a very nice life of privilege. I do know this happens, I'm not naive. But I cannot create this life for my kids and I feel both guilty about that and also annoyed that this is how these things happen for others.

Your big mistake here was telling your friend. There was no reason to do that except to brag a bit about how successful your incredibly lucky son is. It's insulting on many levels to both create a well paid job for him and then tell everyone that the job isn't actually well paid - when £40K is a huge salary for many, many people.

Absolutely ridiculous comparison tbf.

We all help our kids out, some more than others. It's just best not to brag about it.

Fair enough. I did not pay anything till I bought my house and I think I don't think I have been infantilised, if you can help why not help. Why should he have to do that when he can save up and invest his money and buy a house later on.

Technically you haven’t done anything wrong, but morally it’s debatable. He was offered a job at 35k, he should’ve just taken that as it was offered on the basis of hard work and merit. Whereas the 40k was offered due to nepotism. Also 5k isn’t a huge difference.

You sound like you molly coddle your child…. Yuck

This ignores the fact that the UK economy, financial circumstances and opportunities are much worse than when I and many of the parents of young graduates were young. I also had the chance to have fun when young, but the demands of school, university, internships and uni holiday work and long hour career culture mean that this isn’t now an option for many.

It would feel very odd to me if I could afford it not to help my young adult children to get as comfortably established as I could. Why see them live somewhere dodgy and a bit gross when I could afford to make their lives better? That’s what I work for. I didn’t raise entitled children. They all work very hard and are grateful for anything they get. They’re also generous within their means to others.

He isn't someone who just sits on his phone and does nothing he works very hard which is why we feel confident enough to help him.

Implicit in that, OP, is the assumption that people who don't get the kind of job your DS now has are at fault because they 'just sit on their phone and do nothing'. You are justifying the leg-up you've given him by saying he 'works very hard'. Plenty of people work very hard and cannot afford to turn down a job worth £35k - that's where his privilege lies and you really do need to recognise that if you don't want to offend people.

I don't agree with it but can see why you've done it, although the rent is a bit too far in my opinion but each to their own.

From the other side, I work at a small company and regularly get people's children foisted on me for well paid year long internships - the quality of them varies and it is easy to become resentful of someone who has been handed every opportunity but is frankly useless and only has their job because Daddy plays golf with the MD.

But all OP's husband did was introduce his son to someone he knows. The kid still had to complete the application, complete the interview, apply himself to the role etc. and with the rent thing - I mean, why not? If they have the money and can afford to do so, why shouldn't they help their son?
Life is never an open playing field and I'm not sure why people think that after a set moment in time (A-levels is a good example) that we should try to pretend it is.

And this also goes both ways in families. I help my mother arrange medical appointments, I buy her nice things, I take her on holiday with us. A lot of her friends do not have that from their adult children - should I not do it for her because her friend's children don't help?

It would be great if you would use your privilege to pay it forward though. So for example you or dh could be mentors to other young people looking to start in those jobs rather than just helping your son. You've done nothing wrong as such but those of us without the silver spoon find it a bit galling!

Your son's generation have it hard. But some (like your son) a great deal less hard than others.

Don’t all parents help their kids as much as they possibly can?
DH and I helped DS1 (no degree) get a job in pharma, but he’s been there >20 years despite numerous reorganisations, so he must be pretty good at the job.
DS2 is a lawyer, so we couldn’t help with getting a job, but we supported him as much as possible through uni.
Parents can support but kids have to do the studying and do well enough at work to stay there!

... it's understandable OP.Just don't tey to kid yourself it's fair.

@TheBrunswickpeople definitely don’t recognise their privilege

My DD is looking for a job in a bar and her friend who works in a bar is putting in a good word for her..😀