AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong helping our son get his first full time job in London?

[OneMerryFinch]

Our eldest graduated last year with a First in Economics and Maths from Durham. We were incredibly proud of him because he worked very hard. Worked very hard through school, did lots of work experiences, debating abroad, rowing, essentially seized every opportunity he’s not lazy at all.

While at university he found all of his internships himself and also secured a year-long placement. They offered him a graduate role afterwards on £35k in London, but he didn't want to go back to the place. They gave him a wonderful reference despite out son being very honest saying that the pay was not great and that’s the reason. DH also thought that salary was poor for London given the cost of living.

After graduating he did another summer internship, then went travelling. When he came back in December he was living at home and working in a local farm shop. I arranged that job because I've known the owners all my life (I actually worked there myself as a teenager).

He was applying for graduate jobs but wanted to move to London without being completely skint. His girlfriend already lives there. She earns around £30k in publishing but her parents pay her rent, so she's able to save and enjoy herself.

DH asked around among people he knows. His own company couldn't take him because they prefer graduates with some experience, but one of DH's friends said they had a suitable role and encouraged him to apply. He was offered the job on £40k. We've also offered to help him with his rent while he's getting established.

My friend’s son is a similar age and has been struggling to find graduate work. She asked how our son got his job and what the salary was. I answered honestly.

Now she's saying we've raised him to be spoiled, that it's unfair he got a job through connections, and that other young people don't have those opportunities.

My view is that he earned his degree himself, found all of his internships and placement himself, got excellent references, and had already proved he could do the work. Yes, DH's friend opened a door, but surely that's what networking is? Plenty of jobs are filled through recommendations, especially when someone is trusted.

Why can’t we just help our own son. It’s not as though he took the job from someone else, the job didn’t even exist on adverts. It’s how people get jobs, my first job after graduating my dad got me the job in London in the 90s and then I worked my way. It’s not as though he got me every single job.

The world just isn’t fair, why should our son have to suffer just because the world isn’t fair. We are aware the world isn’t fair that’s why we are using our connections. Everyone just wants the best for their kids it’s not done maliciously.

AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong?

It was always the way and I would probably do the same myself, but at the same we all pretend it's a meritocracy and those who don't achieve their full potential in the same way are somehow a bit deficient!

In reality it usually takes all the work and all the luck, but we disregard the luck bit when judging how people have progressed. She's not unreasonable in finding it unfair.

Having the time and money to invest is privilege.

You have opened a door for your dgc. He will still have to work hard and work his way up. You have done nothing wrong. I have a foster child with learning disabilities and 2 Shared Lives young people with learning disabilities and I've unashamedly used my connections to get them opportunities and work experience. Once in position they know they will be judged on their performance. Your dgs has a first class honours degree and lots of experience from his internships and good references so I think a lot of companies would want him. You have done nothing wrong. In your position I'd be very pleased I could help him on his way.

I wasn't suggesting it was a LEGAL requirement, although good to know definitively that it's not. Rather more a matter of good practice?

It sounds unethical to me to effectively 'create' a job for one's friend's kid and then by-pass all standard recruitment practices. But maybe that's not the sort of company one should want to work for anyway. Especially if it's a London-based company only offering £5k above what another London company with legitimate hiring practices is offering. Might just be me.

I think having parents who are less than adequate will always be a problem.
My dm passed for grammar school in the 1940's and wasn't allowed to go.
She had an alcoholic df and a horrible childhood, getting us dc to grammar schools and righting the wrong done to her was a priority.

Why are so many still struggling with recognising privilege?!

Nonsense.

I find it kind of interesting that everyone wants OP to "recognise her privilege". I don't really get how that benefits anyone involved including OP's friend and her son? Is she meant to just sort of bask in it? Smile happily to herself over her morning coffee?

My family was a normal supportive family (as in let me stay at home for a year or two, but didn't get me a job or pay my rent in London) but I work in a field where a lot of people come from wealthier families than mine and I'm at the age where large sums of cash are miraculously appearing for weddings, house deposits, private school etc. We're not on the breadline but we're more in a world of debt payments and carefully watching budgets in our small 2-bed house.

The people I know who sanctimoniously "acknowledge their privilege" are way more annoying than the ones who give us practical legs up like introducing us to their contacts that they gained through nepotism!

Connections will get an interview, it wont get someone a job and it wont mean they keep that job. Your son did the hard work. It's ridiculous to suggest you can't rally the family / village to help find jobs for young people. YANBU

I think we all recognise privilege.
Imo you have to work with the system you've got.
As long as we live in a capitalist society with such an ingrained class system there will be privilege.

From what I've read the dad got the son the chance to apply. The son applied and he did well and he got the job.

R.e. paying his rent. We did that when they were at uni in London..now they live at home with us rent free in London and just have enough money to enjoy. Can't see anything they did wrong.

I think because it is their normal, occasionally think it is down to their own "hard work" so deserve it people who have had generational family support and cushioning might not see outside their circle.

Part of being an adult is paying your own rent. You are infantilising your son, OP.

Are you denying that people who are able to stand on their own 2 feet and arrange things for themselves don't develop more resilience and self-starting mentality? As someone that hires people, I would have to disagree. You can tell the 30y olds who have had it easy. Not that that necesarily means that they don't have what it takes, who would refuse a handout at that age? But I do think the chances of creating an entitled person who isn't a team player in an office environment are increased with this sort of nepotistic approach.

Oh come on. You know you have used privilege and connections to get your son into a position he wouldn't otherwise be in. Yes, most people probably would if they could- but most people cannot as most people do not have similar privilege and connections. This self indulgent whining about people's reactions to your actions is just nonsense. Don't assume you can both play the system and be magically free from judgement for doing so. You aren't entitled to approval or to be patted and reassured that your buying into and propping up a desperately unfair system are absolutely ok and has no impact on others. Of course it has an impact. Of course you have added to it. I'm sure you and your son feel it is entirely justified that you have done so, but others will disagree because that's reality.

I mean I would have told my kid to take the lower offer and build from there. Especially if he liked the internship and found the company an alright place to work. Even if he just worked there for a few years while he built up a reputation and got all the skills he could.

The reality is nepotism exists. I personally despise it as someone who’s never benefited from it, my mums a teacher and my dad is an ex con. Nepotism has gotten in the way of me getting ahead, and once I find out someone’s a nepo hire I tend to take them less seriously. That’s just how I feel, and that’s how a lot of people feel. Your son is qualified and intelligent, but if you and him go around telling people you got him his job then people will have feelings about it - predominately negative ones. The best thing to do is keep it quiet.

I can’t say if I’d do it for my kids, I don’t think I would - but at the end of the day I don’t know and never will because I can’t. The best I can do is push them, dill into them the value of education, and ultimately tell them that life isn’t a meritocracy. They’re too young to understand the nuances of meritocracy right now though, I think that’s probably a conversation for when they’re a bit older 😂.

perhaps you friend thinks your boasting.

I think two things can be true at the same time. Networking is completely valid, and there’s nothing wrong with helping friends and family get those opportunities as most people would do the same if they were in that position. However, it’s also true that many people never get the chance to network or have those connections, despite putting in the same amount of effort and working just as hard (if not harder). Both realities can exist at once.

No, you've not done anything wrong at all. All good parents want the best for their children and leverage what we have to provide it for them.
My daughter is only three, so we're not quite there yet, but already in our circle there are conversations about private schools, dance classes, music lessons etc. as people figure out what to do to give their kids the best chance of a successful, happy life.
We all give our kids a leg up where we can and if your friend had the connections to do so, she would do the same for her son.

It’s a privilege to have a roof over your head and food in your belly, but largely that’s the basics of what a parent should want to provide. Knowing people who work in the business you work in isn’t some huge privilege, it’s just how life works. It sounds like OP’s son is looking for work in the same business her husband works in. This would be no different if someone worked as a cleaner and was able to get their son a job as a cleaner because they knew other people who were cleaners. Would you consider that a privilege in the same way?

I acknowledge the privilege I have, and which my daughter has, but I don’t consider me doing standard parent things as part of that. She is looking for a part time job this year, I know it’s tough to find them for kids and if I knew someone who had a job going, I’d ask if she could interview for it. That’s not privilege, everyone knows some other people.

£40k is enough to live on in London (my dd does, for example). Not lavishly, but he won't starve or need to sleep in doorways. You are spoiling him OP.

You’ve done nothing wrong in helping him. Most parents would.
But it is a slap in the face for other people who have worked equally as hard and don’t have the connections for a leg up.
When your hard work and dedication are not enough it is a bitter pill to swallow.

Agreed.

Thanks, dogsmaid!

He is amazing. And I don't mean to sound mean on this thread, but I find it so depressing that people think it's OK for the world to work on the basis of privilege.

Yes - I know it does - but it's just not OK in my book. I think merit is the only basis for proper recruitment and sometimes (not OP's son, necessarily - I'm sure he's very able) people will run into the buffers at some point if they haven't been selected in open competition.

You'll be very surprised then that with 2 degrees and a masters, working in a high risk public sector job, my starting salary is £37 000. People who do a similar job but don't need the degree get £26 000.

I think you need to check your privilege. Nothing wrong with supporting your son. I would have done the same but your perceptions are wildly out of sync with the life of the majority of people.