AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong helping our son get his first full time job in London?

[OneMerryFinch]

Our eldest graduated last year with a First in Economics and Maths from Durham. We were incredibly proud of him because he worked very hard. Worked very hard through school, did lots of work experiences, debating abroad, rowing, essentially seized every opportunity he’s not lazy at all.

While at university he found all of his internships himself and also secured a year-long placement. They offered him a graduate role afterwards on £35k in London, but he didn't want to go back to the place. They gave him a wonderful reference despite out son being very honest saying that the pay was not great and that’s the reason. DH also thought that salary was poor for London given the cost of living.

After graduating he did another summer internship, then went travelling. When he came back in December he was living at home and working in a local farm shop. I arranged that job because I've known the owners all my life (I actually worked there myself as a teenager).

He was applying for graduate jobs but wanted to move to London without being completely skint. His girlfriend already lives there. She earns around £30k in publishing but her parents pay her rent, so she's able to save and enjoy herself.

DH asked around among people he knows. His own company couldn't take him because they prefer graduates with some experience, but one of DH's friends said they had a suitable role and encouraged him to apply. He was offered the job on £40k. We've also offered to help him with his rent while he's getting established.

My friend’s son is a similar age and has been struggling to find graduate work. She asked how our son got his job and what the salary was. I answered honestly.

Now she's saying we've raised him to be spoiled, that it's unfair he got a job through connections, and that other young people don't have those opportunities.

My view is that he earned his degree himself, found all of his internships and placement himself, got excellent references, and had already proved he could do the work. Yes, DH's friend opened a door, but surely that's what networking is? Plenty of jobs are filled through recommendations, especially when someone is trusted.

Why can’t we just help our own son. It’s not as though he took the job from someone else, the job didn’t even exist on adverts. It’s how people get jobs, my first job after graduating my dad got me the job in London in the 90s and then I worked my way. It’s not as though he got me every single job.

The world just isn’t fair, why should our son have to suffer just because the world isn’t fair. We are aware the world isn’t fair that’s why we are using our connections. Everyone just wants the best for their kids it’s not done maliciously.

AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong?

@CoffeeCantatawell done to your dc, that’s amazing!

So my and my husband run our own company, we have built up a network of connections both in our area of business and other adjacent industries. By extension industries they are connected too. As my children grow, I will probably know someone who works in the industry they want and I will 100% use my connections to get them work!

You do sound extremely well sorted, OP. Do you come from a well-organised family yourself?
Some of us are lucky to have made all the right life choices, some of us not.
If you're lucky enough to be in a position to get everything right, it all seems obvious. But it's not so easy for everyone.
Personally, I'm not so much like you, because I have all sorts of 'alternative' interests and skills, which are time-consuming without generating income.
I don't mind admitting to a bit of envy for someone like yourself who apparently makes all the 'right' choices .
I think the important thing is to have and to show empathy for those not in such a fortunate position.
You're doing the right thing for your friends by trying to fix something up for her child. I'm sure she will greatly appreciate it.

I got a first class degree in a subject which at the time had 30,000 applicants for 1000 available places across the whole country, I don't think I'm anything special, I just knew what i wanted and worked really hard to get it.

I was lucky to be born as reasonably bright, and to have parents who whilst not well off, were very supportive. And they saved to pay my uni rent as my course was 40+ hours contact time plus at least 20 hours independent study per week over a 42 week year, so doing another job on top whilst studying was tough, although many did. And I recognise my privilege and the sacrifices my parents made.

This !

Done nothing wrong. We would all help our children and even people we like if we were able to. The old expression 'it's not what you know, it's who you know that matters' has been around a long time.

While a friend may smart a bit, they surely know they would've done the same if able. And to have an issue over it, well, it's a bit crass.

I wouldn’t talk about how he got the job, it’s always been the same though you haven’t done anything wrong. It’s not what you know it’s who you know and all that. My first job was created by my dad and although I was really good at my job and it was well known by the establishment I was well suited to the role. I had co workers who got the role by the same means that absolutely wasn’t suitable for the role. Because their dads was more senior than mine I got blamed for all of their clusterfucks on more than one occasion very publicly too, I left the job after 18 months. I see both sides of this, I was very greatful for the leg up was a hard worker and well liked by colleagues but I do understand why people get put out by this given the experience I had as it seems to be a common occurrence jobs are given through nepotism and it’s not always for the best there is sometimes better candidates that would and could do a far better job.

You have done nothing wrong. My children were all really hard working and very kind people. They all went to Comprehensive Schools and left at 18. I paid for my eldest to have elocution lessons, encouraged him to join a cadet unit linked to his ambition and worked as a volunteer there.

My second wanted to go to Agricultural college but needed work on the land experience. We live in London so there is little opportunity. I spoke to one of my customers about her and he gave me the name of a local wildlife trust that needed volunteers.

My youngest son had a part time summer job where I worked and on leaving school he was offered full time.

to talk of elitism is nonsense. From the beginning of time parents help their children whenever they can.

We can't deny that nepotism exists.

OP chooses to help her son. What's the issue?

I never understand threads like this. How do you get to be age that you are and the opinion of ONE person unravels you. Seriously are you an actual adult?

Surely anyone will help their child. I don’t know anyone who won’t help their kid. It may have not been fair but what the alternative? Don’t take the job, so that someone else gets it just so you feel you did a good thing?

I voted YANBU, based on your OP of helping with a role - yes, it’s an advantage but your DS still had to have the necessary skill set and now prove himself.

However my jaw dropped reading your subsequent posts.

Paying rent of £1.4k a MONTH! For TWO years! So he can have fun. Meantime, he has money saved that was possible precisely because you clearly paid for everything, can now continue to ‘save’ (except it’s not saving because you are removing one of the biggest costs anyone has to pay from their salary), and will have all the privileges of lifestyle, holidays, buying a property early.

I see nothing wrong with offering support while he gets set up in the first few months, but part of adult life is managing that life - your salary, budget, choices. He and his GF are living an inflated, pretend life that’s not really reflective of most people’s existence.

Even back to his p/t job, my teen DC have jobs too. They are expected to use that money for socialising, spending & significant costs eg if they need a new phone. I’m a single parent, in a professional role, but I couldn’t afford to pay for them in this way, and wouldn’t want to if I could.

I understand your friend’s response a bit more now (though I think she should keep it to herself, it’s still really none of her business).

I don’t see an issue with this as long as you’re honest about the fact it is nepotism. All the preamble you have provided is completely irrelevant: your son got the job because of who his parents know. Just be honest about it.

I think the lack of honesty is what bothers so many people.

But that’s nothing like what OP is doing. She is massively subsidising her DS so he can live a particular kind of lifestyle on a salary he absolutely otherwise couldn’t.

Supporting our DC on their way to adult life eg work experience, courses is what we all do to the best of our ability; subsiding them when they’ve an excellent degree and a professional post is madness.

You’ve not done anything wrong and most people would do the same.

But it’s shitty that the world works this way, and honestly I’m a bit surprised any grad role worth its salt would recruit this way (but I may have spent too long in a professional world where all the big players are big on social mobility and so don’t allow any nepotism in the grad recruitment process).

Also - getting a job through your Dad’s friend isn’t networking, it’s privilege.

Perhaps Universal Credit is the alternative?

Would this provide a sense of 'justice' 😂

This^^
It's not always privilege, it's often having parents from whatever class, prepared to invest time and money into their dc's education.
Neither dh or I went to university but we absolutely made sure our dc had every opportunity available and paid for student accommodation for both dc.
Just as my dp's bought the 11 plus practise papers in the 70's so that everyone of their dc passed for grammar school (6 of us).
A friend of mine complained that her dc didnt pass his gcse maths first time, he had similar ability to my dd and I knew she wouldn't pass without extra tuition. My friend never even considered tuition. Unless you have a very academic or artistically talented or a sport prodigy as a dc you absolutely have to invest time and money into their education if you want them to have even a chance of a decent career.

Shades of "Harrison Bergeron". 'I can't have/do this, so you shouldn't be able to either'. YANBU

Agree.
Sorry lost quote first post.

Gosh. What a lot of words.

He did take a job from someone else though. The fact that the job wasn’t advertised is even worse - there will be plenty of more able, more talented young people than your son out there who would have deserved that job but didn’t even have an opportunity to apply for it.

You know deep down that nepotism is shitty, that’s why you wrote such a long post justifying yourself.

He is definitely spoilt - you’re going to pay his rent even though he now has a FT fairly well-paid job? He sounds like a typical mummy’s boy, good luck with ever getting him to stand on his own two feet.

I was with you till, 'the job didn't even exist on adverts'. That would be illegal in my line of work. Surprised it was okay in this case with a decent first salary.

There's no legal requirement to advertise a job widely apparently. I looked this up once because I thought there was. In some parts of the public sector, or in some large corporates with big HR departments, there are advertising requirements, but it's not a legal thing.

I would do that same for my kids if I could afford it, so I am not blaming you.

But you said that lots of parents help their kids with rent which is why rent in London is so high.

If parents didn't do that, then landlords would have to lower the rent if they wanted to continue renting their property out.

Would Adam Peaty have become a gold medal swimmer without his dm ferrying him about, would David Beckham be a famous footballer without his df spending hours every day practising with him?
These people are from working class families and now they are living very different lives that will open doors for their dc. They're going to use their new privileges but they earned the right to do so.

But from the point of view of the child, that is privilege, to have parents who do that.

I love these "VALIDATE ME!!" posts