AIBU to just f off back home?

[BusyMommaOf4]

Day one of a weeks holiday in Spain with DP and DC (age 4, 3 and 0)

Me and DP had an argument this morning which was in my opinion trivial but I know people are different. Basically I was stressed because the 2 older kids had been crying most of the morning as we had a late arrival and they haven’t slept enough (got to hotel at 1.30am and was up at 7.30). Wasn’t working in the hotel room trying to get them to sleep so I wanted to get them out in the pushchair. Partner suggested going to the shops and (I believe he said) then go swimming straight after. Baby was asleep so didn’t get her ready for swimming. DP was taking ages getting ready so I said I’d just walk them up and down to stop the crying. Tbf it was only a few minutes when I came back as he still wasn’t out the room as he was doing his hair. I was unreasonably annoyed, basically in a huff saying I might as well get baby ready as I was waiting for him anyway (but didn’t say that). It was just the stress of waiting around for 2 hours in the room already with them not settling. Then it was an argument over what we were doing basically. Escalated as he said that he was gonna stay in the hotel room so I was fuming because that meant me being left with all 3 kids and I genuinely can’t take them all out by myself very easily. So I got pissed off and threw a hat at him which knocked his water over (that was out of order I know). So he said he was going out before he got angry. This was 7 hours ago. He’s not responding to messages etc so no clue where he is. He’s probably just in the hotel bar. But I’ve had this before where he takes days to calm down regardless of whether I apologise etc. Yes it was my fault but it this a normal reaction?! I can’t stay on holiday like this. There is literally no point me being here because I haven’t been able to take the kids swimming or anywhere really today. Had a walk to the shops (2 in a pushchair whilst wearing a baby carrier. 4 year old is autistic which is why he needs a pushchair for safety) so only a small walk. Got some food etc to cook as I don’t see how I can go to the restaurant with all of them as I can’t leave them at the table. We’re all inclusive and haven’t brought enough money to keep buying food as didn’t think that was going to be needed.
A friend has said she’ll lend me the money for flights home if I want to go tomorrow. AIBU if I do that and just leave him here? I will let him know but he’s not replying to anything even me asking if he was coming back so I could get the kids some food which I think is out of order. Hence the walk to the shops. So I have no clue when he’ll be back. What would you do?

@gamerchick Exactly, you can't abandon children in a foreign country just because you're angry with your partner. It's borderline neglect given how difficult it is for the OP to even feed them while dealing with a buggy, baby carrier and an ND child.

@DemBonesDemBones When you're a parent to young children, their needs come first. Even if you're fuming with your partner and not speaking to each other, you have to parent them.

@gamerchickit’s completely alien to me that neither of these parents can manage their children alone. There’s no way my children would be unable to eat or leave captivity if left with either parent. Especially if all 3 could be contained in sling/pushchair. Throwing anything is an act of aggression. Both of these people are too immature to parent.

Oh you poor thing.
I feel so sorry for you.
It's so hard with 3 small kids and people saying they could manage the 3 kids no problem isn't helping you.
Take care

Don't wait, just book it & get to bed! You're travelling tomorrow.
He's a shit.

God coping with luggage, one SEN child, a toddler and a baby sounds like a nightmare too. If you need a friend to send you money then presumably you are going to end up in debt buying flights etc so no I would not do that. Presumably at some point he will c9me back so tomorrow maybe you go out for breakfast with the baby leaving him to cope with the other two. Neither of you behaved well but taking kids abroad is stressful particularly if you have an SEN child. Personally I would have gone to the buffet and just loaded up one plate and divided the food up at the table. Shove two in high chairs and at least you would have all eaten something. Divide and conquer for the rest of the holiday and make it clear you will be leaving all three kids with your partner one day as he had today off.

You’re doing the right thing by going home, he needs to see actual consequences of his actions. Not saying you were excellent having thrown something but you don’t get to disappear for the whole day and leave your wife with 3 small children to struggle on a holiday.
My dh and I could have had some almighty rows but I cannot imagine this scenario at all.

I can see why you advise her to change the locks when she gets home and it feels good, like telling your boss to stick his job up his arse when you rely on that job to pay your rent.

Changing the locks or even buggering off home will have consequences. Morally they shouldn't but they will.

The OP is not married. She has three children-one a baby and one that needs special care. She works. Is it likely that this man will do his fair share of childcare when she goes back to work?

Does she own the home? Will he pay Up? Will he drag his feet over that-might he even start asking for DNA tests. Outrageous but not unknown when a couple are not married.

Will she have to give up work? What about money. Will he even want to see the children regularly for ever?

It really is not as simple as saying change the locks and this Gung Ho advice isn't sensible.

I would've booked the tickets already, if my DH had walked off and hadn't returned after an hour or so after we had all cooled off, that would be it for me.

@BruFord EXACTLY. Their needs come first. The op can sulk in the room or try and make it fun for them. Neither one of these parents is parenting the children.

I really feel for you.

But instead of spending money on taxis and flights back home, spend it on a babysitter,

Cool. I'm assuming with your loud confidence, you have a SN kid who's a runner, a toddler and a baby.

Instead of flapping the gums, why don't you give the OP some practical advice on how to feed and settle the kids on her own tonight.

Ok I will leave it until the morning to book a flight just on the off chance he has had an accident. I don’t think that’s the case but I will at least make sure he returns at some point.
I absolutely know there will be no reconciling tomorrow as this is the worst it’s been and like I said he has never spoken before earlier than for 2 days. If me leaving makes things worse and it ends us, well maybe that’s what should happen. As we’ve been here before and he still thinks this is an ok reaction to an argument. And that’s when I haven’t chucked anything!
I can’t really afford to pay for help. Bottom line is I would not have come on holiday alone, so I don’t believe I should stay and just struggle when my kids will have a better time at home

I would speak to him calmly when he comes back and say that you cannot do all week like you have today. If he is drunk wait til morning. Decide from there.

Jeezo. Get a taxi. Go home. Don’t have any more kids with twats.

@BusyMommaOf4 I'd be really tempted to report him missing.

What time is it where you are?

@gamerchick no, I have 4 children and two with SN, one very profoundly disabled. I have given advice. It’s incredibly worrying to me that I’d need to give advice as to how to feed the kids. I really hope they have actually eaten…

So she should stay in an abusive relationship? Where silent treatment is used to control her and punish her. Abandoned with 3 kids. The best thing she could do is work out how to manage without him. Not out her children through a toxic childhood of arguments and silent treatment

Is there any way you can just take the baby first thing tomorrow and leave the other two with your other half? It sounds like you think they'd be safe with him (and he wouldn't take his bad mood out on them)

My partner and I have had some massive rows since we became parents (and we only have 1!). But we've got to the point we can both accept we're cross and it's awful but we can coparent civilly until we get a chance to talk about it when little ears aren't listening

She’s said they have so wind your neck in

Sorry click issue and reposted!

@BusyMommaOf4
And that was the point you're not in your own back yard now so he's spitefully and pettyily going to make sure that this time it's really impossible for you to cope as you'd like
As he flounces off and becomes impossible to contact
I know you have your children and he will sometimes do what he should
But are you sure he actually likes you and them??
Return home.

I actually think at this point reporting him missing is a really good idea. Have staff gl look around the hotel for him and hopefully he'll feel utterly ashamed and at least they'll know what he's like and may step in to help you out when they see you about

OP, I really feel for you. What a horribly stressful situation.

I agree with PPs that this is abusive behaviour. He was acting like a dick this morning, but none of us are perfect. What he has done since is unconscionable.

Personally I would not get such an early flight, that would be difficult at the best of times and when everyone is so tired it sounds like a nightmare. Are there flights available at a more reasonable time of day that could be booked tomorrow morning if he hasn't come home full of apologies?

I think it all sounds very, very stressful.

I dont think you should leave.

I think this can be salvaged but doesnt seem your marriage has communication tools you can both lean into. Maybe some marriage therapy after this holiday will help.

Can you say to him "look weve both had a really stressful time getting here and im sure neither of us wanted things to go the way they have done between us. I think we both need to come together now, get the kids into bed and we can start again tomorrow. I am very overwhelmed and i understand you are likely feeling overwhelmed too. Neither of us needs to be the winner of this argument. I'd like to try and have a nice time as a family and hope you would like that too. Lets have an early night and start again tomorrow"