AIBU to just f off back home?

[BusyMommaOf4]

Day one of a weeks holiday in Spain with DP and DC (age 4, 3 and 0)

Me and DP had an argument this morning which was in my opinion trivial but I know people are different. Basically I was stressed because the 2 older kids had been crying most of the morning as we had a late arrival and they haven’t slept enough (got to hotel at 1.30am and was up at 7.30). Wasn’t working in the hotel room trying to get them to sleep so I wanted to get them out in the pushchair. Partner suggested going to the shops and (I believe he said) then go swimming straight after. Baby was asleep so didn’t get her ready for swimming. DP was taking ages getting ready so I said I’d just walk them up and down to stop the crying. Tbf it was only a few minutes when I came back as he still wasn’t out the room as he was doing his hair. I was unreasonably annoyed, basically in a huff saying I might as well get baby ready as I was waiting for him anyway (but didn’t say that). It was just the stress of waiting around for 2 hours in the room already with them not settling. Then it was an argument over what we were doing basically. Escalated as he said that he was gonna stay in the hotel room so I was fuming because that meant me being left with all 3 kids and I genuinely can’t take them all out by myself very easily. So I got pissed off and threw a hat at him which knocked his water over (that was out of order I know). So he said he was going out before he got angry. This was 7 hours ago. He’s not responding to messages etc so no clue where he is. He’s probably just in the hotel bar. But I’ve had this before where he takes days to calm down regardless of whether I apologise etc. Yes it was my fault but it this a normal reaction?! I can’t stay on holiday like this. There is literally no point me being here because I haven’t been able to take the kids swimming or anywhere really today. Had a walk to the shops (2 in a pushchair whilst wearing a baby carrier. 4 year old is autistic which is why he needs a pushchair for safety) so only a small walk. Got some food etc to cook as I don’t see how I can go to the restaurant with all of them as I can’t leave them at the table. We’re all inclusive and haven’t brought enough money to keep buying food as didn’t think that was going to be needed.
A friend has said she’ll lend me the money for flights home if I want to go tomorrow. AIBU if I do that and just leave him here? I will let him know but he’s not replying to anything even me asking if he was coming back so I could get the kids some food which I think is out of order. Hence the walk to the shops. So I have no clue when he’ll be back. What would you do?

It is wild to me the number of people being blamey and judgemental to the OP here. She has admitted herself that she didn't cover herself in glory in the original argument. However she did not commit physical violence against him. She threw a baby's hat. It's not great, it's not perfect, but she was tired stressed and in charge of 3 of THEIR children (not 'HERS').

And for this 'crime' she has been abandoned in a foreign country with 2 toddlers and a baby on her own. And crucially, even if one were to accept the OP is at fault which I do not then he has still abandoned his children whilst on holiday. What an absolute complete and total knobhead.

I am a bit too impulsive and can be stressy and snappy when I'm tired - it's not great, I work on it as best I can. I can just about imagine getting to the point where I started to flounce off in a reverse situation. However I wouldn't get to the end of the corridor before realising how wildly unreasonable and disproportionate that would be, turning around and coming straight back again. As a PP has said, this type of bickering happens when both parents are tired and under stress. There's some excuse for it. But seven hours is way too long to need to come to your senses. And it seems it's a pattern of behaviour.

Personally, I think booking the flights tonight for very early tomorrow morning is unwise as it'll be another night without enough sleep for everyone (even ignoring Dad coming home in the middle of the night and waking everyone up) so I think it'd be better to just try and get some sleep and have an attempt at sorting out the relationship issues enough to limp on with the holiday and salvage something from it, not least by leaving all 3 kids with him for at least a day to get some time to yourself, OP. However if he's still - somehow - in the same mood tomorrow then you know where you stand - book another flight and get the hell out of Dodge.

And I also think it's interesting that friend is willing to lend you the money so easily - presumably friend has seen this before...

Good luck, OP. I hope this turns out better than most of us fear.

There's not much she can do about that now is there? Pointless unhelpful post.

Sound advice also the PP advising sit near the buffer etc

I have carried trays for people at AI before now - failing that I’m sure a staff member would also help

i appreciate it will be more difficult on your own but the AI is paid for and your away from home - try and enjoy it with you children

This might seem odd, but are you in a place with lots of expats? You could try and find a Facebook group for locals and see if there’s anyone would could help you with the DC - in lots of resorts there are retired Brits who could help. A bit out there but could mean you’ve got another pair of hands and someone who can be a help with transport etc.

@BusyMommaOf4 Did your eldest stay at home?

I can understand him cooling off. But to not come back all day is unacceptable. I'd go home.

FWIW, I don’t think I would arrange to go home tomorrow, not before exploring the options of asking the hotel/holiday rep for help.
There will be people willing to help you! I have often held someone’s baby while they eat/go to the toilet/pack their shopping/etc. If there was a hotel babysitter available, who could sit with you by the pool, even for a few hours during the day, wouldn’t that help? And someone helping you at the buffet too?
You say he will stop sulking after a few days - I would pay for the help during this time, see out the rest of the week with him. Paying for hotel babysitting will be cheaper than new flights home.
Then in all honesty I’d separate when back home. You don’t want the rest of your life to be like this!

If you booked with a travel agents like Tui etc, approach their rep at the hotel and explain the situation and ask for some help getting some food alternatively I would approach any groups of women holidaying together or a mum with older teen kids and explain and ask if she’d help you out, I know I would. Third option is go to reception and explain there and ask if a member of staff can help.

You do not need to be ashamed or suffer in silence because of his twatish behaviour.

In all seriousness you need to have a proper think about if this is how you want to live your life. Being abandoned everytime things get tough, not having a partner who sees themselves as an equal parent or team member. It’s no way to live.

I have to say I'd stay. At least get one decent night's sleep before you decide anything. And tomorrow you will be more familiar with everything, better rested, so will the children. If nothing else once DH does come back you can slip out early doors and get your head together without the kids in tow. Good luck.

OP could DH have had an accident or become lost?
Should the police be called as he has been no contact for so long?
Is he actually ''missing''?
Would hotel reception help you contact police?
If he is just sulking may be a police search is just what he needs?

OP, this man has really shown his true colours. He must know how you can't do anything with the kids by yourself in that environment. You can't even take them to the pool yourself, you're not able to manage getting food . He knows this but still he's left it all day.
He manufactured the situation in the first place..2hours to get ready when there's small children waiting.. we all know that is the act of a knob.
I think you have to ask for help whatever you decide to do ; in the hotel to manage the buffet, at the airport so you can get onto the plane. You can get airport assistance, enquire about it if/when you book flights. Someone helps you onto a buggy and takes you through the airport, avoiding queues etc.You are entitled to this help, your child has a disability and you can't physically get them through with all the bags alone. Ask for help, it will be forthcoming.

Sending strength to you, what an awfully stressful situation. You should show him this thread, shame on him.

This. Trying to get yourself and 3 children on an early morning flight tomorrow is madness. You are already stressed and exhausted.
If your decision is to go, do it on Wednesday. That gives you time to rest and plan and ensure you are doing what's best for you and the children.
Your relationship can wait. If and when he does come back don't get into any discussion with him Make your decision independently. Good luck.

@tara66 It would demonstrate that this isn't normal adult behavior, wouldn't it. Man gone missing in a strange town for several hours, no contact with wife left to cope with his three small children. How embarrassing if he's sulking and refusing to take care of his children.

I am most certainly not in your husbands corner, but given you all had little sleep is it possible he's asleep in a corner somewhere and just not seen your messages?
He's still an arse though and should not have left you all day knowing it would be really hard to manage three DC alone

I meant to add also, that if he isn’t back by 9pm nor replied to messages, I would tell the hotel he is missing! He may have gone off in a strop and had an accident!

I've got 3 and 1 with special needs. I wouldn't fly home alone with them. How will you manage the luggage with the pushchair and baby? How will you or one if the older ones use the toilet if you need it on the plane? Can you keep the autistic one with you whilst folding the buggy with no hand to hold him?
I'm not here to have a go or challenge you. I just really wouldn't recommend trying to get home alone. Surely your DH will be back at some point tonight to sleep? You need to tell him then that if he wants to sulk that's fine but he needs to be taking at least 1 of the children with him for the rest of the holiday.

If your partner threw a hat at you, you would seriously fuck off and allow 3 kids to struggle to get some food?

That's level 1 petty. Save the leaving forever until you get home.

OP go home if you can. I don't think taking 3 kids. One with SN abroad is really worth it in the first place. Just take what you need and let him bring the luggage home.

I have child with extra needs who needs 1:1. Being 1:3 isn’t safe so if he isn’t going to help you probably do need to go home or pay for childcare help if that’s an option.
You would not be allowed to swim with 1:3 ratio with those ages it would be 2 adults minimum.
He's neglecting his dc and endangering their safety. Basically you either have to be in a locked room or keep them in a pushchair to stop one absconding. So it’s not going to be any kind of holiday. If it was 2 kids one parent it would be worth sticking it out (even if you got your own room) but 1:3 with Sen in the mix it will be awful. If you don’t think dc will be upset that’s another reason not to stick it out.
My experience when I separated from a lazy exH was he could not run away from the responsibility of parenting dc and back to a childfree life fast enough.
Trust your own instincts about what’s safe and manageable. You know your dc best.

God help you.
He is some scum to abandon you with 3 very young children.
Really suits him to do this and drag it out.

You need help from a domestic abuse charity and you need to stop having children with a nasty abusive arse.

that is such a horrible unkind comment

She doesn't need to manage the luggage. She can leave most of it for him to bring back with him.
Literally just needs a bag for the flight

One of them was messing about with his hair whilst the other one has a 0-1 yr old and 2 other kids under the age of four (one with asd)

Give her a break 🙄

OP

Ignore the mantrum, have as nice a time with your kids as you can then find a way out when you return

I think you both need to get over yourselves and give your kids a nice holiday. Serious chat when he gets back and no more disappearing acts from him. Yes, it’s not ideal and yes there are problems in the relationship. But now is not the time. You both owe it to your kids to snap out of this and make the best of it.

Oh wow, I feel so bad for you OP. I’m currently on holiday with my 3 DC aged 8, 4, and 2, and we’ve definitely had some stressful moments. It’s not easy or relaxing at all to be honest.

However, DH is amazing and we are in this together as a team. We ensure the other gets downtime away from the kids each day, and we don’t take the piss spending ages doing our hair (wtf doing that with 3 very young, overtired kids!?) or leaving each other alone with all 3 kids for too long.

DH went out to get a much needed haircut this afternoon, and it took longer than expected so he was late getting back for dinner. He was soooo apologetic, to the point where I had to tell him that it was fine and I wasn’t annoyed or anything. I will get the same amount of time tomorrow to go shopping alone (yay!). It’s that kind of consideration that is normal in a healthy relationship.

I hope that you get back home ok and I wish you all the best.