AIBU to just f off back home?

[BusyMommaOf4]

Day one of a weeks holiday in Spain with DP and DC (age 4, 3 and 0)

Me and DP had an argument this morning which was in my opinion trivial but I know people are different. Basically I was stressed because the 2 older kids had been crying most of the morning as we had a late arrival and they haven’t slept enough (got to hotel at 1.30am and was up at 7.30). Wasn’t working in the hotel room trying to get them to sleep so I wanted to get them out in the pushchair. Partner suggested going to the shops and (I believe he said) then go swimming straight after. Baby was asleep so didn’t get her ready for swimming. DP was taking ages getting ready so I said I’d just walk them up and down to stop the crying. Tbf it was only a few minutes when I came back as he still wasn’t out the room as he was doing his hair. I was unreasonably annoyed, basically in a huff saying I might as well get baby ready as I was waiting for him anyway (but didn’t say that). It was just the stress of waiting around for 2 hours in the room already with them not settling. Then it was an argument over what we were doing basically. Escalated as he said that he was gonna stay in the hotel room so I was fuming because that meant me being left with all 3 kids and I genuinely can’t take them all out by myself very easily. So I got pissed off and threw a hat at him which knocked his water over (that was out of order I know). So he said he was going out before he got angry. This was 7 hours ago. He’s not responding to messages etc so no clue where he is. He’s probably just in the hotel bar. But I’ve had this before where he takes days to calm down regardless of whether I apologise etc. Yes it was my fault but it this a normal reaction?! I can’t stay on holiday like this. There is literally no point me being here because I haven’t been able to take the kids swimming or anywhere really today. Had a walk to the shops (2 in a pushchair whilst wearing a baby carrier. 4 year old is autistic which is why he needs a pushchair for safety) so only a small walk. Got some food etc to cook as I don’t see how I can go to the restaurant with all of them as I can’t leave them at the table. We’re all inclusive and haven’t brought enough money to keep buying food as didn’t think that was going to be needed.
A friend has said she’ll lend me the money for flights home if I want to go tomorrow. AIBU if I do that and just leave him here? I will let him know but he’s not replying to anything even me asking if he was coming back so I could get the kids some food which I think is out of order. Hence the walk to the shops. So I have no clue when he’ll be back. What would you do?

Can people please read the updates before commenting. Just press see all, and you’ll be able to see everything the op has posted and you’ll be up to date before boring the rest of us with comments that have been posted…and answered,dozens of times already 🥱

Yes a few hours would have sufficed for both to cool off

OP, instead of flying home, do you have anybody that could fly out to you for the the remaining holiday instead? Like a family member or friend? That way you get the support and company but get to have your holiday too (and the kids) it’s such a shame you should all miss out on it just because your hubby is being an arsehole Xx

Why do you think you were in the wrong because you were stressed. They're both of your DC, why wasn't he stressed at the crying too? Perhaps because he's been leaving it all to you to sort out calming them down and getting them off to sleep? If you were stressed at crying DC he should have been pitching in to help calm them, not getting ready for a day by the pool and leaving you to deal with them. You were stressed because of him failing to parent not because you're a weaker person. Yes you reacted to that badly by throwing a hat at him, but I imagine it came out of huge repeated frustration that nothing you do ever gets through to him when he's in "selfish mode" which he clearly was. I'd consider the relationship over OP. Unless you've a huge backstory where you've a history of violent behaviour yourself, then I'd say this relationship is turning you into someone you're not and that's a very good reason to not be in that relationship. I think it's very telling that your friend has offered you tickets home, it's not anybody's go-to for fixing a one off minor argument so I'm guessing this behaviour is a pattern and you've also admitted as much. I'd take your friend up on their offer and use the holiday time to start disentangling your life from your partner when you get home.

Read all the posts!

Oh love, he sounds awful and you're better off without him. Will there be plans for either of you to move out when you return so you can get on with your life without his abusive tendencies?

Can you and the youngest two go to the pool and round the resort while youre away so you're not cooped up in the room?

No reason to have more than 2 children so if anything happens in the future such as illhealth, loss of jobs, divorce or even death it is easier to manage. More than 2 and it becomes much more of a struggle.

How on earth is this of any use to the OP?

Telling her she shouldn't have arrived late?
Telling her she shouldn't have travelled with small children?
Telling her she shouldn't have booked AI with an autistic child?
Telling her she shouldn't have booked a hotel but booked a cottage by a beach instead?

How does this help the OP at all? It's nothing more than sanctimonious judgement from (I presume?) a woman to another woman who is clearly going through a really shitty time right now.

Talk about kicking someone when they're down. Seriously, if you can't provide some good advice or even just support to the OP then please don't try and make her feel any worse than she already does.

If you post on a public forum highlighting some poor choices you made, then you will get a variety of replies, some not helpful.
Responsible parents make sensible choices when it comes to their children.
It's always the children that suffer when a poster exhibits a total lack of common sense.
Maybe others reading this thread will learn and not repeat ?

That's even more sanctimonious and judgemental than your earlier post. Well done.

Not at all.
Just highlighting the elephant in the room that everyone seems to be ignoring.

Oh? What is this elephant in the room that noone else but you has mentioned?

Oh, you can't see it either? Or you see it and don't want to talk about it?

I don't know what you're talking about? Just stop being cryptic and say what you're desperate to say.

shocking comment

The OP did not ask for opinions on her lifestyle choices and it's really not pleasant, or indeed necessary, for anyone to come along and do nothing but criticise her. Let's all just show a bit of support or just say nothing at all.

I wonder how you’d handle this if the OP were your own daughter. Would you still feel the same about supporting her, or would you give her support while also having a serious talk about the choices that got her here?

Why is it necessary, though?

Yes I don’t understand why the OPs ‘life choices’ change the advice. She is where she is and a big discussion on how many kids she should have had or the stupidity of an overseas holiday with little ones (I always had a great time so not universal) isn’t going to change anything or be very helpful

But, that's not helpful here, is it?
It really is just throwing salt into an open wound.
It doesn't serve any purpose to judge OP's life except, perhaps, to make you feel good.
That's worth examining, actually. 🤔

Do you get a sense of satisfaction from it?
Do you hope to strike a nerve and break OP, get her to react, get others to react, start a debate or incite ire?
What, exactly, do you get out of criticizing someone instead of offering a kind word?
And if you can't bring yourself to offer a kind word, why is that? 🤔
What is your own history?

Some of the comments feel quite critical and unkind. Fortunately, others have taken a gentler approach, kindly noticing that the OP is going through an emotional time and gently advising her not to rush into anything. A few readers are also thoughtfully encouraging her to reflect on her past and future lifestyle choices as she plans to split with her partner.

But I am not the OP's mother, neither are all the posters who have criticised and torn her apart. Being judgemental about her life is really just not necessary and not helpful. In fact, it's downright nasty.

Some posters might have replied like a mom, maybe just because they're older and that's how they connect with younger women.

If I were her mum I wouldn’t be haranguing her for her life choices. How is that at all helpful? She is where she is and that’s where you start from - navel gazing at the ‘what ifs’ is a waste of time and energy

now if she came to me and said she was planning another baby I might mention my reservations