AIBU to just f off back home?

[BusyMommaOf4]

Day one of a weeks holiday in Spain with DP and DC (age 4, 3 and 0)

Me and DP had an argument this morning which was in my opinion trivial but I know people are different. Basically I was stressed because the 2 older kids had been crying most of the morning as we had a late arrival and they haven’t slept enough (got to hotel at 1.30am and was up at 7.30). Wasn’t working in the hotel room trying to get them to sleep so I wanted to get them out in the pushchair. Partner suggested going to the shops and (I believe he said) then go swimming straight after. Baby was asleep so didn’t get her ready for swimming. DP was taking ages getting ready so I said I’d just walk them up and down to stop the crying. Tbf it was only a few minutes when I came back as he still wasn’t out the room as he was doing his hair. I was unreasonably annoyed, basically in a huff saying I might as well get baby ready as I was waiting for him anyway (but didn’t say that). It was just the stress of waiting around for 2 hours in the room already with them not settling. Then it was an argument over what we were doing basically. Escalated as he said that he was gonna stay in the hotel room so I was fuming because that meant me being left with all 3 kids and I genuinely can’t take them all out by myself very easily. So I got pissed off and threw a hat at him which knocked his water over (that was out of order I know). So he said he was going out before he got angry. This was 7 hours ago. He’s not responding to messages etc so no clue where he is. He’s probably just in the hotel bar. But I’ve had this before where he takes days to calm down regardless of whether I apologise etc. Yes it was my fault but it this a normal reaction?! I can’t stay on holiday like this. There is literally no point me being here because I haven’t been able to take the kids swimming or anywhere really today. Had a walk to the shops (2 in a pushchair whilst wearing a baby carrier. 4 year old is autistic which is why he needs a pushchair for safety) so only a small walk. Got some food etc to cook as I don’t see how I can go to the restaurant with all of them as I can’t leave them at the table. We’re all inclusive and haven’t brought enough money to keep buying food as didn’t think that was going to be needed.
A friend has said she’ll lend me the money for flights home if I want to go tomorrow. AIBU if I do that and just leave him here? I will let him know but he’s not replying to anything even me asking if he was coming back so I could get the kids some food which I think is out of order. Hence the walk to the shops. So I have no clue when he’ll be back. What would you do?

A day that started at 7:30am and ended at 1:30am and involved a 2-3 hour flight suggests:

flight from an airport far from home
accommodation far from the airport in Spain
possibly flight delays

And yes, it’s August so everything is busy and hot both sides of the trip. It was never going to be a walk in the park given the ages and challenges of 3 children but these sound like extraordinarily bad choices.

He absolutely did the right thing by leaving and not escalating it.

It must have been horrible for the kids to see their parents arguing and then something being thrown.

However, he knew that it would have been incredibly difficult for OP to juggle all 3 kids and as a parent your one job is to make sure they’re safe and being looked after.

I’m sure he trusts OP to care for them but he knew how it would have been almost impossible for her to have taken 3 kids to the buffet area and get them all food and drinks etc.

He could have stayed away for an hour or 2, then gone back or texted to offer to take one of the kids or look after all 3 whilst she went and got some food for herself.

You can’t just wash your hands of parenting for 12 hours and not check in once.

However, considering he once did this for 5 days then I question why OP didn’t end things after that.

This happened to me once in Egypt I couldn’t manage with all 3 and he wanted to get drunk and sleep all day
i had to learn how to manage it was a wake up call that was his way of punishing me not to help with kids
I eventually got rid took me longer than u though good luck x

Read alot but not the full thread.
I am in a similar position but with only one DC. Can't imagine it with 3, you are a saint.

Turns out my DH had this dream/fantasy/idea that our child would wear himself out playing, go to bed at 7.30 and sleep all night so we could do civilised adult things like watch a film and presumably have together time.

Our child rarely does this at home, and having no where to take him and tire him.out just messes with his sleep so he naps st lunch and is awake til late.

I guess your DH has similar frustrations about life and hoped gor something better on holiday.

I hope you find a way to enjoy your time away and give your kids a decent break.

Btw one 3 year old in a buffet is tricky imo, 3 under 5, very difficult.

Hope you find happiness.

what an awful man. OP you are stronger than you think you are handling so much.

How's she carrying all the plates and making sure the kids get back to the table?

How is she carrying all the food/drinks and making sure the kids get back to the table?

You need to stop and take a moment to reflect on what’s happened.
You both sound very stressed and tired, (understandable), so you are taking things out on each other.
Call your husband and apologise for throwing the hat, ask him to come back so you can both talk, communicate how you feel. You’re a team, you need to work together, they’re both your children.
I don’t think you need to go home, you both need to recognise you’re stressed, you need to support each other and enjoy a nice time together.

This. Always.

OP, have you had any reflections?

What happened last year to trigger his change of mood? Could there be an OW?

You said that this problem only started about a year or so ago - is it possible that this is just a reaction to you both being overwhelmed by your 4 children and the extra needs of the 4 year old ? Is there room here for counselling ?

I've made the point previously that throwing objects at your partner, no matter how seemingly harmless, is still a violent action which often escalates into more dangerous items, and sets a terrible example to children that this is somehow normal behaviour in a household.

Just seems like a waste of money and a monumental pain in the arse trying to organise with 3 young kids. You could bring them to a resort somewhere closer to home for a lot less and they'd be none the wiser!

You might want to read OP's updates.
It's two days later.

The 151 people who have liked my comment must all be awful twats too then 😂

Yes not one child but three

Is there a lot riding on this holiday? Have you looked at paying for help OP?

I am sorry you are going through this OP, You are doing your best in an awful situation. Give yourself some time for you. after the baby has settled and asleep, let him take the other 2, and take an hour or so for you to gather your thoughts.

My Dc were diagonsed very late because they didn't fit the sterotypes - doesn't mean they didn't have huge problems but running off this age wasn't one.

I did on occaions manage baby todder and 4 year old and service style food palces by myself - was hard wouldn't have been possible if my 4 year old despite being ND wasn't very sensible and it certianly wasn't my preference and frankly a shop and eating in room later would have been easier if shop wasn't too far.

In fact when we had just two and I was pg with third DH and I did a hotel weekend UK trip and we chose to eat from shops in room rather than do hotel restaurant as it was less pressured - fewer eyes and less stress. We managed breakfast in morning when every one was less tired and took one child each.

Our first hoilday DD1 was 4 toddler baby and DH on crutches - we stayed in UK chose butlin and have awkward ling train journey and taxi ride there - I was done by end of it and my kids weren't running off - difference was DH and I and even the kids pulled together and worked towards getting us all sorted.

I think hoilday and flight with kids ages and needs was always going to be stressful and be at edge of possibe - just OP DH has let her down here but I do wonder if they are both in denial a bit about the limits and additional stress the 4 year old autism is placing on them

Giving the silent treatment IS emotional abuse and he is responsible for his moods and the way he reacts to whatever he thinks you have done. You do not make him behave in this abusive way. He needs to take responsibility for himself.

All seems a bit dramatic.

Why couldn’t you just go for a walk whilst he was getting ready? Take the baby’s swimming stuff with you? In a bag? Or leave the baby with your DH?

I say this as a parent of, at the time, 4,2,0 who travelled with and without a DH.

Oh, lady. Read the OP's posts. "Just take the baby for a walk" ..... and the other two children do what, with DH pratting about for 2 hours doing his hair?

They ALL go for walk.

How would you manage the 3 kids on a plane alone?

You’ve not bothered to read any updates then?

Your partner has massively overreacted . What kind of man leaves there partner to struggle in a foreign country? Awful situation to be left in , he comes accross extremely selfish . Hope you manage to salvage the rest of the holiday for your children's sake .

They are not going home. They’ve decided to stay for the duration of the holiday. There now you don’t need to be bothered to read the updates like the rest of us have.