AIBU to just f off back home?

[BusyMommaOf4]

Day one of a weeks holiday in Spain with DP and DC (age 4, 3 and 0)

Me and DP had an argument this morning which was in my opinion trivial but I know people are different. Basically I was stressed because the 2 older kids had been crying most of the morning as we had a late arrival and they haven’t slept enough (got to hotel at 1.30am and was up at 7.30). Wasn’t working in the hotel room trying to get them to sleep so I wanted to get them out in the pushchair. Partner suggested going to the shops and (I believe he said) then go swimming straight after. Baby was asleep so didn’t get her ready for swimming. DP was taking ages getting ready so I said I’d just walk them up and down to stop the crying. Tbf it was only a few minutes when I came back as he still wasn’t out the room as he was doing his hair. I was unreasonably annoyed, basically in a huff saying I might as well get baby ready as I was waiting for him anyway (but didn’t say that). It was just the stress of waiting around for 2 hours in the room already with them not settling. Then it was an argument over what we were doing basically. Escalated as he said that he was gonna stay in the hotel room so I was fuming because that meant me being left with all 3 kids and I genuinely can’t take them all out by myself very easily. So I got pissed off and threw a hat at him which knocked his water over (that was out of order I know). So he said he was going out before he got angry. This was 7 hours ago. He’s not responding to messages etc so no clue where he is. He’s probably just in the hotel bar. But I’ve had this before where he takes days to calm down regardless of whether I apologise etc. Yes it was my fault but it this a normal reaction?! I can’t stay on holiday like this. There is literally no point me being here because I haven’t been able to take the kids swimming or anywhere really today. Had a walk to the shops (2 in a pushchair whilst wearing a baby carrier. 4 year old is autistic which is why he needs a pushchair for safety) so only a small walk. Got some food etc to cook as I don’t see how I can go to the restaurant with all of them as I can’t leave them at the table. We’re all inclusive and haven’t brought enough money to keep buying food as didn’t think that was going to be needed.
A friend has said she’ll lend me the money for flights home if I want to go tomorrow. AIBU if I do that and just leave him here? I will let him know but he’s not replying to anything even me asking if he was coming back so I could get the kids some food which I think is out of order. Hence the walk to the shops. So I have no clue when he’ll be back. What would you do?

@JLou08 Ha! Well, I said I had two SEN children. I said one was profoundly disabled and didn’t mention the disability but ok.

it is hard. It feels impossible. But you have to get on with it, because what other choice is there?! There are women carrying this many kids hundreds of miles to escape war and we’re saying going to a buffet is impossible? Really? IT IS HARD. But it’s not the impossible task people are pretending it is. If the op leaves her husband she is going to have to learn to parent them solo.

How can she go up with 3 kids and get 4 lots of food on her own !

I'd seriously go home , what a selfish man child .

I expect your life is perfect

OP, whether you separate or stay together I think you would really benefit from some mediation as a couple so that you can see each others' perspectives. Whatever happens you will be co-parenting for a long time and splits that are supported like this can have more positive outcomes. Or - if he's only been a dick for the last year or so - he may realise where he's gone wrong.

Hope you get to enjoy your holiday and get some quality time with the kids. Al is great with young children you get food and drinks with no mess, daily cleaning and activities for kids!

I agree with pretty much everything you have said except for that his silent treatment isn’t just unkind or manipulative, it’s emotional abuse.

To add - OP please consider his behaviours and whether or not therapy is a good idea. Counselling is not advised in abusive relationships.

Sorry to hear how your holiday is going OP. I assume you don't have a history of domestic violence? If not then yes his silence is controlling and emotionally abusive. A one off in response to an event might not be, but a recurring pattern is.

It sounds like you both also have a lot on your plate, if only you could both recognise the stresses you're under, apologise and move on to enjoy your holiday together. No doubt you both deserve a great holiday so stop beating each other up figuratively speaking.

Make friends with the animation team they’ll help entertain your kids don’t stay in the room . Go enjoy some nice food and drinks tonight.

Yes. But she only has three on holiday.. the fourth is older and back in the UK

Missing the point but if you have so little money you can't afford emergency flights home or feed yourselves for a few days with supermarket sandwiches, you really can't afford to be going abroad.

What would happen if one of you was ill in hospital and you had to pay accommodation for a few weeks?

Glad things have improved for you OP. Probably easier than going home with3 of them on your own

I think you made a stand and he wasn't expecting it. He was expecting his sulk and no contact disappearance to really get to you and punish you, leaving you to cope on your own.
That's why he suddenly said he was going home too. He knew how bad it would be if you went home without him because of his behaviour and he wants to be seen as a great dad. I think you shocked him by standing up to him and meaning it.
That's why he's suddenly co-operating now.. because he knows he went too far and its reputational damage, if everyone finds out about it, which they would if he stayed on holiday.

Not speaking to you for 5 days and blaming you for it is utterly ridiculous. He needs to grow up fast as I really do think this is very abusive. It keeps you on edge and in a state of high anxiety wondering when he will next do that.
Does he come from a family where they all do this? He needs therapy.

In any case, at least he's finally contributing to parenting his own children at last and being civil. I hope this means that you can relax a bit and its easier taking care of them all. At least, with another adult, you don't have to worry about cooking and cleaning. I hope you enjoy the rest of the holiday. Some times, being out of the normal routine and environment can open our eyes to things we might dismiss as normal at home. Wishing you all the best x

Hi op maybe this is for the best for all of you sadly his immaturity is crucial here he gets a strop on and disappears without a care in the world selfish is an understatement a dad doesn’t get to leave his kids that long because he isn’t happy with you. I hope the rest of the holiday goes ok but having someone just walk away or ignore you for days is very childish if he’s moody that’s on him unless he can tell you honestly why it’s on you. You won’t be the first or last female to be literally left holding the baby I don’t understand why men think it’s ok to just piss off for hours because it’s not just their holiday imagine his response if you had done what he did. I bet it would have been worse for you leaving him stranded,

He can't just piss off and leave you in the lurch.

The sad thing is - yes he can.

And did.

As do many men - leaving their partners to pick up the pieces.

These pathetic men have no shame and are utterly selfish.

Good you have managed to find a way forward this week and hopefully you can enjoy the holiday now you are working together. Having an autistic child who has no awareness of danger and being in a strange place especially with two other young children is challenging so some don’t seem to get that. It sounds like you annd your DP are not compatible so long term separation might be best. Sulking and just disappearing off is very immature.

As a forum we need to move away from always siding with those posting in the first person. LTB, it’s abuse… we don’t know the full background.

OP I’m sorry but at times during this thread there have been red flags 🚩 that you could be hard work too… don’t get me wrong, jeez oh, none of us are perfect but just mean likes of:

He is generally a good dad. And believe it or not his moods have only started over the last year or so. So the kiddies were already here or on the way. It’s strange because I think silent treatment is abusive. Particularly when he checks out with the kids too which is what usually happens. But there are no other abusive things that he does.
He still doesn’t agree. But I can’t see getting past it as he doesn’t seem to think things need to change in that respect. It’s all very much my fault for causing it everytime. His moods that is.

Obviously two sides but stand by my earlier post, based on what we know that you’re both needing to find a better way to communicate/repair, and find better way to not be so proud, stubborn and when hurt/cross finding a way of upping ante.

Even the posts you opt to respond to OP are defensive and selective.

Might sound harsh and you can take advice or leave it (maybe it’s corroborating you want not advice) but also worth considering how much of a pain in arse you are too.

Humbling of course but those of us older or those of us younger who ‘got it’ sooner might’ve avoided the whole situation. Imho. Know we are all different but seems very immature all round from wider viewpoint. Like silly games. Again just imho and know it’s not the wider view.

You’re hearing one side. OP might be a total pain in arse - if it was a male relative we might feel very differently. Sorry OP no harm to you as could of course be opposite but just general point we don’t have full info.

How do you safely shepherd 2 very small children and carry a baby AND get 3 meals from a buffet without help?

Thanks Captain Obvious - we ALL are very well aware that we are hearing one side. That is the nature of posts - it is always one sided.

So we give our viewpoints on that, the OP can decide what she wants to listen to or not.

And would that justify fucking off to the bar then on a separate flight home leaving the OP to figure out on her own how to manage 3 kids with special needs to teach her a lesson?
People, usually men, use their innocent children in this way to fuck over their wives/partners, but, really, it's their kids that they're sticking it to.
It's typical with rampant misogyny, and internalized misogyny, that the mother is suspected at being at fault somehow. 🙄

Carry 3 plates, control two toddlers, and carry/push a baby? While queuing and filling all the plates?

Not so aware 🤔 folk don’t caveat said advice or responses? It’s clear OP is lalalala (hands over ears) to anything she doesn’t want to listen to - or that doesn’t fully support hence 🚩. Maybe she is a poor overwhelmed mother of 4, or maybe as some of her posts allude to, she is also part of problem (short fuse included)? Also maybe the truth is in between. Maybe it is obvious to point out MN equivalent of caveat emptor, but you’d not know it was obvious from some of the replies.

I understand, I had an eldest child with ADHD and ASD but not diagnosed until older. It’s so tough and people don’t get it. They are teens now and the eldest is the easier one!

It is likely you and/or your husband is neurodivergent too. This is the case for us and it helped me to work around it. He always finds jobs to do before leaving the house so I’m waiting for him and we are late. It was bloody hard, and he can be very stubborn with the silent treatment and shutting down. Somehow we stayed together. We actually have a healthy relationship with good communication and any rows are short lived. But it took ages and work from us both.

In my book that is a mild response to his behaviour. He’a not stepping up as parent and wants an easy life with you doing all the labour.

Are you both quite young, OP? You both sound immature and prone to reacting impulsively and strongly when faced with a problem. You throwing something and being angry when he’s fiddling with his hair and taking ages getting ready and him storming off for a full day. Both of those were overreactions to the situation and ultimately made the whole thing worse. Shouting and throwing things didn’t get you or the kids out any quicker, in fact it meant you were stuck inside all day. Him taking off didn’t make you apologetic and regretful, in fact it’s thrown away the marriage (although again, I suspect this may be an impulsive reaction that may change when you both calm down).

You both need to remember in stressful moments that it’s you both against the problem as a team, not both against each other.