AIBU to just f off back home?

[BusyMommaOf4]

Day one of a weeks holiday in Spain with DP and DC (age 4, 3 and 0)

Me and DP had an argument this morning which was in my opinion trivial but I know people are different. Basically I was stressed because the 2 older kids had been crying most of the morning as we had a late arrival and they haven’t slept enough (got to hotel at 1.30am and was up at 7.30). Wasn’t working in the hotel room trying to get them to sleep so I wanted to get them out in the pushchair. Partner suggested going to the shops and (I believe he said) then go swimming straight after. Baby was asleep so didn’t get her ready for swimming. DP was taking ages getting ready so I said I’d just walk them up and down to stop the crying. Tbf it was only a few minutes when I came back as he still wasn’t out the room as he was doing his hair. I was unreasonably annoyed, basically in a huff saying I might as well get baby ready as I was waiting for him anyway (but didn’t say that). It was just the stress of waiting around for 2 hours in the room already with them not settling. Then it was an argument over what we were doing basically. Escalated as he said that he was gonna stay in the hotel room so I was fuming because that meant me being left with all 3 kids and I genuinely can’t take them all out by myself very easily. So I got pissed off and threw a hat at him which knocked his water over (that was out of order I know). So he said he was going out before he got angry. This was 7 hours ago. He’s not responding to messages etc so no clue where he is. He’s probably just in the hotel bar. But I’ve had this before where he takes days to calm down regardless of whether I apologise etc. Yes it was my fault but it this a normal reaction?! I can’t stay on holiday like this. There is literally no point me being here because I haven’t been able to take the kids swimming or anywhere really today. Had a walk to the shops (2 in a pushchair whilst wearing a baby carrier. 4 year old is autistic which is why he needs a pushchair for safety) so only a small walk. Got some food etc to cook as I don’t see how I can go to the restaurant with all of them as I can’t leave them at the table. We’re all inclusive and haven’t brought enough money to keep buying food as didn’t think that was going to be needed.
A friend has said she’ll lend me the money for flights home if I want to go tomorrow. AIBU if I do that and just leave him here? I will let him know but he’s not replying to anything even me asking if he was coming back so I could get the kids some food which I think is out of order. Hence the walk to the shops. So I have no clue when he’ll be back. What would you do?

Lovely to hear from you, @BusyMommaOf4 & so pleased things are a little bit easier.
Let's hope your little ones have an amazing time, & your other half stays civil. For you, I wish PEACE! Bless you. x

I’m glad you decided to stay and give your kids a nice holiday and I hope you can make some nice memories with them

Good luck with everything

Is this serious? How can she guide three kids on her own helping them select food. She can’t shepherd them, hold a baby and three plates all at the same time. She isn’t an octopus.

What are your thoughts and plans for when you return home - are you going to stay with the father of your children ?

I'm glad you've found a way to be civil to one another and hope you manage to enjoy the rest of the holiday for the children's sake. I also hope you can work out an amicable separation when you get back. Good luck @BusyMommaOf4

https://amzn.eu/d/01Sn7dYN

@BusyMommaOf4 this has been life changing for me with my SEN 6yr old who like your DC is constantly on the go and zero danger awareness. Yeah we get a few "looks" and one small child did ask why are you walking him like a dog (😂 the innocence of children!) But I can not genuinely rave enough about it, i think in your situation with a baby it will be even more life changing with it being able to keep your DC safe whilst also being hands free.

I hope the rest of the holiday stays civil between you and your (ex?)dp and you manage to have some fun

I think you both had a very tense time, due to flying, arriving late etc. This is normal.

Throwing a little hat is not the end of the world. It was an act of exasperation. It is not an unknown reaction.

I hope you have a good holiday and things get better as the week progresses.

Your relationship may be salvageable.

Did you read her post?

Well if the hat had been made of stone id be quite naturally horrified but im sure OP couldve thrown something alot more substantial had she intended to physically harm her DP, she was understandingly frustrated not violent

@BeardySchnauzer

The one at 20.08 pm - yes

OP, does your eldest child live with you? Do you have four children to look after? Does the eldest child help you with the three young children? I was just thinking of how difficult it will be to raise them on your own.

She says they are still separating in that post

“It’s strange because I think silent treatment is abusive. Particularly when he checks out with the kids too which is what usually happens… He still doesn’t agree.”

It is abusive behaviour. To you and the kids - little children who are likely confused as to why daddy is behaving in this way.

“It’s all very much my fault for causing it everytime. His moods that is. Apparently I’m the only one that has made him do this! The longest he has not spoken before is 5 days.”

Another one displaying DARVO behaviour

Sending hugs 🫂

I want to start by saying that I feel you are describing many situations with my husband.
We started our relationship really young and he has so many fantastic, wonderful characteristics. He is also autistic with ADHD and it was his neuro divergence that would cause these 'unreasonable' outbursts or behaviours.
We also have an autistic son who is now 20 years old and we only realised that my husband may be autistic 5 years ago but immediately it meant so many things make sense. Have you considered this in respect of your partner?

What you are describing in the original post is someone who may have needed to go through a routine before he could leave the apartment, not because that is his routine every day but potentially because he had already worked out in his mind what his morning routine would be on holiday and then struggled to deviate from it.

My husband also doesn't do conflict very well. When we have had disagreements he would take himself off for hours, no contact at all. He would return and take days before he would return to anything like normal. We now realise this was his version of a meltdown/burnout.

Things have got immensely better since we acknowledged that he was neuro divergent. It has given him the ability to recognise and speak up on things that are going to create issues for him. I've also stopped thinking that he is being an a*hole in these situations and I am able to say "I know that you will need to do X but I need to do Y so are you Ok to take responsibility for Z and we can then come back together later".

I just wanted to give a different perspective as your situation resonated with me. My husband is a great husband and father to our 2 sons and it has never been as simple as being better off out of the relationship.

@BeardySchnauzer and then the Op goes on to describe how they are juggling their children separately on holiday.

Do some research and educate yourself, instead of boggling your mind.

Glad to read this update, been thinking of you all day. Try as best you can to make some memories with your little ones. First couple of days of holiday always the worst I think. Your DH's behaviour is similar to mine although not to that extent but very selfish but doesnt see it. Would have the mentality that 'he's on holiday too' and leave the childcare and mental load to me. I think power through the holiday if you can, be kind to yourself and start planning for separation when home unless you think counselling or something is worth a shot x

Honey, that's emotional abuse. He's doing it on purpose. It gets him out of ant y consequences for his own behavior, while punishing you for having reasonable expectations for him. He is NOT a good father, if this is how he treats the mother of his children, and how little responsibility he takes for caring for them.

I am in two minds OP.

1. You have three very young children, one with autism. You’re in the thick of it and most couples struggle during this period. It’s tense, you’re tired, the kids over stimulate you and both of you are quick to annoy with less tolerance. That’s all VERY normal and I personally think it’s worth fighting for a relationship before splitting a family.

2. however you need to both want it to work.

3. his silent treatment is very unkind. Arguments are normal, they’re always give and take, going silent on someone for days is very manipulative and I don’t think you’ll find a therapist who would challenge that.

Do you guys want to work it out? Find a better way to disagree? Would he be willing to speak to someone with you?

The impact on your children is profound, made harder by your eldest needs. Surely if the only thing wrong is your husbands (totally unreasonable) sulks, then there’s some scope for relationship work? But it has to be something you’re both willing to do, and it 100% will necessitate your husband stopping sulking, which he may or may not be prepared to do.

I would stop talking about splitting up, it’s too soon to think that and crying wolf isn’t going to help long term. Try to enjoy the holiday, and when you’re back, perhaps suggest some relationship counselling. Talk about what you both want the future to look like and what you both need to help make that happen.

Best of luck, whatever you decide.

Thanks for the update. I genuinely thought about this situation a lot today and showed the thread to one of my best friends who is a psychologist. This behaviour is very bizarre and being ghosted, stonewalled or giving the silent treatment is categorically abuse, he may not mean it to be, but it is. Like you have said. I’m glad you can try and enjoy the holiday, a change of scene and some food you don’t have to cook. I would seriously consider some therapy because even if you do separate he will need to grow up
to be a coparent. You sound strong and understanding and Im sure you lose your shit sometimes but he doesn’t allow you to be in your feminine energy, you are probably on high alert and feeling subconsciously anxious about any little argument or tiff ending in his gigantic moods. Are you close to his parents? I wonder where he has learnt to behave like this. Sending love x

No thanks

He can't just piss off and leave you in the lurch. That's his kids, they're his responsibility too. I can't understand at all why he would think that was acceptable to leave you on your own with three young children for a whole day on holiday. He isn't a teenage boy in a huff, he's a father and partner...
The fact that he has done this and thinks you will just accept this dynamic is disturbing.

I feel for you, Op. As an aside, the hyperactivity of your 4 year old sounds very like my niece with autism who was a ‘runner’ for many years before being diagnosed with ADHD. It took a while but the right medication has been life changing for her and her family. Worth checking.

You are not responsible for his feelings. He is. You don't cause his moods. He doesn't control his emotions.

What an absolutely toxic mess of a relationship. Do both of yourselves and kids a favour and seperate.