AIBU to just f off back home?

[BusyMommaOf4]

Day one of a weeks holiday in Spain with DP and DC (age 4, 3 and 0)

Me and DP had an argument this morning which was in my opinion trivial but I know people are different. Basically I was stressed because the 2 older kids had been crying most of the morning as we had a late arrival and they haven’t slept enough (got to hotel at 1.30am and was up at 7.30). Wasn’t working in the hotel room trying to get them to sleep so I wanted to get them out in the pushchair. Partner suggested going to the shops and (I believe he said) then go swimming straight after. Baby was asleep so didn’t get her ready for swimming. DP was taking ages getting ready so I said I’d just walk them up and down to stop the crying. Tbf it was only a few minutes when I came back as he still wasn’t out the room as he was doing his hair. I was unreasonably annoyed, basically in a huff saying I might as well get baby ready as I was waiting for him anyway (but didn’t say that). It was just the stress of waiting around for 2 hours in the room already with them not settling. Then it was an argument over what we were doing basically. Escalated as he said that he was gonna stay in the hotel room so I was fuming because that meant me being left with all 3 kids and I genuinely can’t take them all out by myself very easily. So I got pissed off and threw a hat at him which knocked his water over (that was out of order I know). So he said he was going out before he got angry. This was 7 hours ago. He’s not responding to messages etc so no clue where he is. He’s probably just in the hotel bar. But I’ve had this before where he takes days to calm down regardless of whether I apologise etc. Yes it was my fault but it this a normal reaction?! I can’t stay on holiday like this. There is literally no point me being here because I haven’t been able to take the kids swimming or anywhere really today. Had a walk to the shops (2 in a pushchair whilst wearing a baby carrier. 4 year old is autistic which is why he needs a pushchair for safety) so only a small walk. Got some food etc to cook as I don’t see how I can go to the restaurant with all of them as I can’t leave them at the table. We’re all inclusive and haven’t brought enough money to keep buying food as didn’t think that was going to be needed.
A friend has said she’ll lend me the money for flights home if I want to go tomorrow. AIBU if I do that and just leave him here? I will let him know but he’s not replying to anything even me asking if he was coming back so I could get the kids some food which I think is out of order. Hence the walk to the shops. So I have no clue when he’ll be back. What would you do?

Yes, if they can afford them and can look after them properly !

Judging by what we read on MN it seems an awful lot of women have married dead-beat bods who won't help or have too many kids than they can cope with.

She threw a small hat at a water bottle. He, on the other hand, intentionally caused a row by spending time doing his hair (what's a comb for?) and leaving her to deal with 2 fretting children on not enough sleep. He has done this intentionally because he is a coercive abuser. The silent treatment after provoking a row which can be blamed on OP is classic coercive control.

Because he is a cry baby. I don’t think that’s a particularly horrible thing to say. He’s also funny, very loving and full of energy if that makes it better? Just saying, he literally cries whenever I leave him anywhere. Even with people he knows. Even after going to nursery for 2 years, he is still dubious about going in. Just making a point that he would not go to kids club

I have three children one Sen 4 year old non verbal. I absolutely would not go abroad without the support of my partner, and if he left me like that with my three children in a foreign country I'd be binning him off to. Think some posters need to realise there is a broad spectrum and not all autistic children behave the same.

Message him and say you are going home and will be packing his things when u get there! That should get a reaction? But tbf you must know what he’s like when getting ready? You’ve ended up in a foreign country with 4 kids (including dp), you should of taken some help with you?

Why have you had so many kids with this man? One kid, I can understand. A lot of abusive men do not show their abuse until after a kid is involved. But then you kept having them, why? With an emotionally immature man who storms off after the smallest of disagreements and doesn’t speak to you for days, leaving you to solo parent all those kids? This is a bad man. He does this to control your behaviour - to make you less likely to talk back or stand up to him because you don’t want him storming off and ignoring you for days.

Stop having kids. Find a way out of this relationship and stop allowing your children to learn that his behaviour is how to deal with conflict. You’re raising kids who are going to treat their future partners like shit.

How was the flight op? I hope it went ok and that you are alright

Came here to ask the same thing. OP, Please drown out all these oh so perfect parents who can feed three SEn children with one hand while performing a circus act with the other. And also drown out the ones telling you that you should never have had children (bit late now!) Know that there are women here to support you in navigating a future without the weight of this utterly unreliable and emotionally immature excuse for a man.

How is this helpful?

Read the updates (press ‘see all’ under the original poster’s first post). The thread has moved on considerably,

Well she clearly needs it pointing out to her. She’s known about his behaviour for a long time, but has kept having more kids with him. Willingly bringing kids into a house with an abusive parent should be challenged. Those poor kids.

If you cant manage 3 children in a restaurant how are you going to manage to get 3 children back home to an airport, on the plane etc?
You are clearly annoyed right now but what would be the point of spending the extra money to get back home? Then what would happen? Would you split up, ignore him, make friends?
At the end of the day you were all tired and grumpy and now hes acting like a big selfish baby. Its not a big deal and he has over reacted.
I would try my absolute best to crack on with out him, not message him and try have a good time. Why should the children suffer for his childish sulky behaviour. He really sounds pathetic!

But how is it helpful?

OP already has the kids so it doesn't matter how many times or how 'clearly' you 'point it out' to her, it's not going to change anything is it? It just comes across as extremely unpleasant.

She threw a small hat that hit a water bottle because a man had centred himself for 2 hours whilst she struggled with 3 cranky kids tired from a late night flight. OP's P set up a row so that he could do this and ruin the holiday for her (and DC) because he is an abuser. Being happy means he loses control of the situation and OP. He needs more than a hat thrown at him. A book might do it - the sort that makes him pay maintenance for HIS DC and lets OP have a decent life (and maybe a much superior partner) without him.

Why do I keep coming back to this thread?
It's just winding me up, & I can see several of you are finding the same..

POSTERS - she HAS her children, what use is it saying she shouldn't have had them, do you know how your own husband will behave tomorrow or the next day?
Plus, she'll be on her way HOME now, so no use telling her what to do / how to manage meals etc..

Ye Gods.

Trapping the partner with DC is a classic coercive control trope. DC may not be 'planned' by OP but 'accidents' - i.e. planned by abusive P. That is possible. But you are entirely right, this is an abuser and OP should leave him - which may mean keeping the peace whilst she gets things sorted so that she can leave.

I used to think it was a myth that there were pushy MC parents getting inaccurate diagnosis for their DC. Seeing posts on MN does make me wonder if it is in fact true. The amount of people claim to have an autistic child but seem to think it's easy to keep them safe and teach them boundaries/toilet train/teach them social rules and manners and claim that it's all to do with parenting makes me very skeptical. I'm not saying parenting doesn't make a huge difference, it does. But it takes a lot more time and effort. If a 4 year old is like a typical 4 year old it's highly unlikely they are autistic.

OP. As he didn’t have his mobile with him, what was his mood when he returned?

How did he know you were flying out when he returned ? Had you both kicked off again ?

Oh hun i totally get it. And you know what my eldest was a big cry baby, wouldn’t be left with anyone even his dad. Nursery he never settled would literally scream out the door after me when I left saying “why do you not like me” 🫣 I can laugh about it now he is 19 years old and tbh can still be a big cry baby when his toddler sister broke his model LEGO his girlfriend bought him (last year haha). But he didn’t ever cry when he started full time school which shocked me especially after screaming and never settling at nursery. We can point things like that out doesn’t mean we don’t see all the good and how amazing they are too. My eldest was an amazingly dramatic cry baby at times and I don’t think I am horrible to say that 🙈🤣 x

And leave the kids there?
Its was a hat not a brick.

Hmm. I'm curious whether you would feel the same if he'd thrown it at her.

Interesting question.

Maybe you could answer this one - Why be an arsehole to someone in a clearly abusive relationship, who is also basically alone with her 3 small children, including one with high needs SEN, in a foreign country?

To update, we didn’t end up going home. We are being quite civil (still separating) and juggling the kids. So today he has taken the 4 year old (who is autistic) and I’ve had the baby and 3 year old. We’re sleeping separately anyway as can’t leave the oldest alone so he’s in with him. I’m chilling in the room till he comes back. I don’t care about going out tbh as the baby still wakes up to feed etc during the night so I’m shattered by 9pm! But he will be back by 10 each night which is very reasonable I think. And he waited till the kids were all settled to go out.

He is generally a good dad. And believe it or not his moods have only started over the last year or so. So the kiddies were already here or on the way. It’s strange because I think silent treatment is abusive. Particularly when he checks out with the kids too which is what usually happens. But there are no other abusive things that he does.

He still doesn’t agree. But I can’t see getting past it as he doesn’t seem to think things need to change in that respect. It’s all very much my fault for causing it everytime. His moods that is. Apparently I’m the only one that has made him do this! The longest he has not spoken before is 5 days. Maybe I should have thought about it more before going on holiday but I obviously wasn’t at the point of ending things then so surely you wouldn’t normally second guess booking a holiday either your partner if you thought that things were ok between you?

I also disagree that a holiday abroad is a terrible idea with young children. Our life is hard. Any holiday is hard. The only thing is being alone makes is not doable. If he can work with me then I don’t think it’s bad at all. Our 4 year old needs constant supervision no matter where we are so that’s usually one of us doing that whilst the other entertains the other two, or 3 when we have the eldest. It’s not an issue managing neurotypical children. Not sure why it’s so hard to grasp. For example if I’m alone at the park and baby needs feeding, I would have to take them all with me somewhere secure to do that as I can’t exactly chase after a child with a baby hanging off my nipple and a toddler in tow. In terms of autism- the biggest challenge is how active he is. No sense of danger. He literally doesn’t stop moving. Doesn’t follow instructions or respond to much verbally to be honest.
Thank you to all those who sent messages of support and advice. I’m happy we’ve been able to communicate and glad we stayed for the kids even though we’re not really speaking unless it involves their care. So it is still quite lonely but I will try and give the kids a good holiday regardless. Now that I can manage it.

@BusyMommaOf4 - Once you're in "ongoing disaster" mode, rather than "desperate crisis" and have had some sleep, some food and are hydrated - have a quick read of this OP. It's inspiration for you 😎

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5562504-first-holiday-without-exh-and-its-such-a-revelation

I think you have an excellent imagination.