AIBU to just f off back home?

[BusyMommaOf4]

Day one of a weeks holiday in Spain with DP and DC (age 4, 3 and 0)

Me and DP had an argument this morning which was in my opinion trivial but I know people are different. Basically I was stressed because the 2 older kids had been crying most of the morning as we had a late arrival and they haven’t slept enough (got to hotel at 1.30am and was up at 7.30). Wasn’t working in the hotel room trying to get them to sleep so I wanted to get them out in the pushchair. Partner suggested going to the shops and (I believe he said) then go swimming straight after. Baby was asleep so didn’t get her ready for swimming. DP was taking ages getting ready so I said I’d just walk them up and down to stop the crying. Tbf it was only a few minutes when I came back as he still wasn’t out the room as he was doing his hair. I was unreasonably annoyed, basically in a huff saying I might as well get baby ready as I was waiting for him anyway (but didn’t say that). It was just the stress of waiting around for 2 hours in the room already with them not settling. Then it was an argument over what we were doing basically. Escalated as he said that he was gonna stay in the hotel room so I was fuming because that meant me being left with all 3 kids and I genuinely can’t take them all out by myself very easily. So I got pissed off and threw a hat at him which knocked his water over (that was out of order I know). So he said he was going out before he got angry. This was 7 hours ago. He’s not responding to messages etc so no clue where he is. He’s probably just in the hotel bar. But I’ve had this before where he takes days to calm down regardless of whether I apologise etc. Yes it was my fault but it this a normal reaction?! I can’t stay on holiday like this. There is literally no point me being here because I haven’t been able to take the kids swimming or anywhere really today. Had a walk to the shops (2 in a pushchair whilst wearing a baby carrier. 4 year old is autistic which is why he needs a pushchair for safety) so only a small walk. Got some food etc to cook as I don’t see how I can go to the restaurant with all of them as I can’t leave them at the table. We’re all inclusive and haven’t brought enough money to keep buying food as didn’t think that was going to be needed.
A friend has said she’ll lend me the money for flights home if I want to go tomorrow. AIBU if I do that and just leave him here? I will let him know but he’s not replying to anything even me asking if he was coming back so I could get the kids some food which I think is out of order. Hence the walk to the shops. So I have no clue when he’ll be back. What would you do?

Best hope nothing happens to you then. Why wouldn’t you use holidays as an opportunity for him to use some of that Big Job energy and responsibility to be a parent?!

My sister and I spent the holidays before we were 12 or 13 travelling to see family in the UK and maybe a week at a UK holiday park.

Parents need breaks but foreign holidays aren’t a necessity. I’ve done 2 extended UK city breaks with teen DD this year and we are all off to a country cottage in a fortnight for a relaxing break. Easiest thing in the world for us to get flights to anywhere we like but it isn’t not at all a necessity. And in OP’s case what sort of holiday is it? Okay there’s no need to cook and there is a swimming pool but both of those still require significant attention and organisation even with 2 people there.

How has it been today?

Emotions and egos are obviously running very high, in an already stressful situation with being on holiday. I know you are aware that your behaviour had a lot to do with his reaction and just because he went out for ‘x’ amount of hours doesn’t mean he is the one who is completely out of order. Could he have reacted better, of course he could. But if my husband spoke to me in a certain way, then threw something towards me in an argument regardless whether it was a baby swimming hat or not I would remove myself from the situation till we had both calmed down the kids don’t need to be around that hostile environment. I wouldn’t have been ‘abandoning’ my children I would have been leaving them with their father, just like he had done he left them with their mother. In truth the first thing I thought was he probably didn’t remember to take his phone leaving in such a rush and if he didn’t have it to hand didn’t want to stay to look for it just wanted to leave the room from the situation. You did the first wrong and yes you have apologised but it’s not for you to decide when he should accept your apology. I understand that this maybe reoccurring behaviour from him and he does sound like someone who likes to huff and hold on to a grudge but then you do sound a bit hot heated and stressed meaning we can be rather snappy and a bit unkind, I mean thinking of leaving him and getting flights home was a very quick hot headed reaction in my opinion. Neither is ok. You both need to sit down and kiss and make up. Understand each others behaviours and how you each could have handled it so much better on tiredness.

It was one day where you were struggling with your three children alone on holiday because of your attitude and behaviour. I understand you have some logistical difficulties but you’ve said he usually is very hands on with the children and you have said he would usually come back to help when you have asked but not this time…..the fact he said he didn’t have his phone is plausible.

If arguments like this happen often then maybe it’s not an environment for the children to be around in everyday life let alone on holiday and that’s due to you both not just you and not just him. Sometimes children having two homes is better than struggling to make one work.

He can be amazing and would never do anything to this extent. I just think it will be less stressful for all of us if I actually plan to not need his help. Honestly if something happened to me he'd get a nanny. He's great with older kids (I've seen it with his god children) but babies and toddlers are a bit boring to him. Anyway, I'm not sure what I was hoping to get out of posting this response!

OP, I hope you are OK? I take it if he is leaving the home when you get back there is far more to it than just throwing a child's swim hat at him?

Honestly, if I was stressing with 3 kids and my DH said he was off out alone I too would be furious. If you would have thrown a glass or something, thats awful but a kids swim hat. A happy marriage would get past that.

I also think leaving you until midnight, knowing he didn't have his phone too is far worse. You could have had an accident, one of the kids could have. Especially if you have one thats additional needs.

I hope your travels home are safe and as painless as possible.

Honestly, you both behaved badly and were in the wrong. I hope this is not how either of you behave usually (and throwing something at someone is a complete no), especially with kids. Was this brought on by the stress of travel with young kids? To be honest, I don't think a foreign summer holiday with three that young is ever a good idea, as clearly one of you can't look after all three. What if one of you got sick? However, the next escalation is on him and is appalling. If it was just the two of you, fine, he huffs off to calm down for a few hours. But with young kids they should come first. So frankly, I think you need some relationship counselling at best.

Yes, I have been abroad hundreds of times, including with baby/toddler twins + other DC. A one-off flight home (can ask for help checking in/picking up luggage)is far less daunting than being left to deal with 3 DC all week in a foreign country with the buffet, swimming pool, etc.

You seem to be irate that someone's got a different opinion. Very weird.

Its astounding how many posts are concentrating on the adults while ignoring the behaviour of both.
@BusyMommaOf4 threw a hat towards her partner which knocked a glass of water on him.

He responds by storming off.

OP then decides to book a flight for the following morning and return home with the children. It was pointed out to her how unreasonable that was so she decided to leave it for tomorrow.

Her partner returns at midnight. She tells him of her plans to leave.

He then decides he too is leaving and offers to take one child.

Meanwhile there are 3 young children who were promised a holiday in an all inclusive hotel with no doubt facilitates including swimming, playground, activities, lots of fun and treats. Instead they witness their parents arguing, Mum throwing something at Dad who then storms off, Mum on her phone ringing friends and posting here. The children are tired and distressed. They finally sleep only to wake up to find Dad and Mum packing bags. They have decided they are all going home. The children have had no holiday. They have been brought to a country, away from their home, and now going home again. As I said before my sympathy is with the children. Neither parent has put them first. They are so caught up in their frustration and anger and the children are left paying the price.

Whatever the relationship difficulties which seem to have been in existence for some time, having the children pay the price is cruel.

They're not married.

How is being so sanctimonious and judgemental of any help to the OP?

people can choose to have as many or as few kids as they please.

Tagged wrong person

@UnintentionalArcher Regarding having three children ‘so close together’, some possibilities:

• Because they weren’t aware of the elder child’s needs until later.

OP has said that the eldest was diagnosed with SEN at 3 yo. At that time No2 child was 2 and last child wasn't born.

That was a good time to send DP for the 'snip' ( or take other actions) seeing as there was already another older child in the mix (unless I have read it wrong)

Are you op? If he is not like this usually, then can you both take a couple’s therapy and not go on foreign holidays for some time. Maybe things got escalated as there were too many stressors for both of you.

His habit of storming off and not listening needs to be addressed.

A soft hat? Then you’re a drama queen who’s flounced off without caring about your kids

I think poster meant if there were problems in relationship or with husband, not because kid had neurodivergence.

Having 3 kids is a luxury nowadays, unless you have enough money to hire a nanny.

No, I'm not the original poster. If my husband had done what the op's partner had I would be leaving him, unless there were extreme extenuating factors.

The children have had no holiday. Neither parent has put them first.

All of you saying this, have you given any thought to how a woman's supposed to supervise a baby, a toddler and a SEND infant alone in a crowded pool?

Evidently not, as you're all still wittering on about buffet strategies despite having the logistical difficulties explained many times.

We know this chap follows his epic walkouts with two to three days of stonewalling. He will not be co-operatively parenting. The chances are very high that he'll find a reason to repeat his spectacle on day three.

I suggest trying to picture OP's actual situation, not the one you think it should be. We all know what it should be - two adults parenting in tandem, working with the known vulnerabilities of their children. This is what OP planned for when she booked the holiday.

As to the rest of the "Why didn't you ..?" comments: Nobody's yet found the returns policy for children, so what's the point of those stupid questions?

You both seem very wound up and stressed, I think for future holidays stay in your country of origin (I am guessing UK)? Drive to a caravan site or hire a cottage and stop adding to your life where you have 3 children. Honestly it’s not worth it. These holidays abroad are more for adults than small children, they’d be happy on a beach even if not sunny and digging in the sand and filling up an odd bucket with sea water.

This is so toxic, those poor kids. I can assure you at their ages they will remember that. I have a 3yo who remembers our holiday and details so well. I feel sad for your kids op but best you both go home and part ways. This isn’t ok for your kids.
4,3 and a newborn sounds like a hell of a life anyway and being with a useless and toxic partner makes it so much worse

Or maybe you could grow a single brain cell to realise someone who can't control their anger to the point of physically abusing their partner by throwing something at them, will do it again. It happens again almost every single time when physical abuse occurs within a toxic relationship, like this one. Educate yourself, perhaps.

Well said… unfortunately in the ever increasing one up man ship think OP said DH is moving out now as soon as he’s home. If either could communicate or repair better they could be now enjoying a family holiday.

OP mentioned once triggered her DH struggles to draw a line quickly but without resolving and talking it through, nothing gets fixed. When he was AWOL OP (cross/hurt) upped the ante. All of a sudden it was that’s it I’m taking the kids home tomorrow.

Instead of I’m sorry I went in the huff, we’re all tired, lets talk about it, for his part I’m sorry I went AWOL and left you struggling etc, I should have dealt with it better this is how it’s developed.

From an outsiders pov it seems they are very similar. Proud, stubborn and not willing to back down. Such a shame all that money wasted and it’s come to this.

To be blunt, you are on holiday with 4 children, not 3 and one of them has gone missing. Has he come home to bed, if not, are you not wondering where on earth this man-child is?

Why won't people read the thread before commenting????

Sound alike it's his turn to have the kids tomorrow so you can have a day at the bar/beach/pool 😏