AIBU to just f off back home?

[BusyMommaOf4]

Day one of a weeks holiday in Spain with DP and DC (age 4, 3 and 0)

Me and DP had an argument this morning which was in my opinion trivial but I know people are different. Basically I was stressed because the 2 older kids had been crying most of the morning as we had a late arrival and they haven’t slept enough (got to hotel at 1.30am and was up at 7.30). Wasn’t working in the hotel room trying to get them to sleep so I wanted to get them out in the pushchair. Partner suggested going to the shops and (I believe he said) then go swimming straight after. Baby was asleep so didn’t get her ready for swimming. DP was taking ages getting ready so I said I’d just walk them up and down to stop the crying. Tbf it was only a few minutes when I came back as he still wasn’t out the room as he was doing his hair. I was unreasonably annoyed, basically in a huff saying I might as well get baby ready as I was waiting for him anyway (but didn’t say that). It was just the stress of waiting around for 2 hours in the room already with them not settling. Then it was an argument over what we were doing basically. Escalated as he said that he was gonna stay in the hotel room so I was fuming because that meant me being left with all 3 kids and I genuinely can’t take them all out by myself very easily. So I got pissed off and threw a hat at him which knocked his water over (that was out of order I know). So he said he was going out before he got angry. This was 7 hours ago. He’s not responding to messages etc so no clue where he is. He’s probably just in the hotel bar. But I’ve had this before where he takes days to calm down regardless of whether I apologise etc. Yes it was my fault but it this a normal reaction?! I can’t stay on holiday like this. There is literally no point me being here because I haven’t been able to take the kids swimming or anywhere really today. Had a walk to the shops (2 in a pushchair whilst wearing a baby carrier. 4 year old is autistic which is why he needs a pushchair for safety) so only a small walk. Got some food etc to cook as I don’t see how I can go to the restaurant with all of them as I can’t leave them at the table. We’re all inclusive and haven’t brought enough money to keep buying food as didn’t think that was going to be needed.
A friend has said she’ll lend me the money for flights home if I want to go tomorrow. AIBU if I do that and just leave him here? I will let him know but he’s not replying to anything even me asking if he was coming back so I could get the kids some food which I think is out of order. Hence the walk to the shops. So I have no clue when he’ll be back. What would you do?

She threw a baby sun hat which are teeny tiny and it hit a water bottle, she didn't lob a 20kg suitcase at his head.

Parents are entitled to have holidays too, if you were to wait until they are older that's a lot of missed years with no holidays. It doesn't matter if kids don't remember some things the parents will.

Dear God, there's some horrific Mother Superior energy on this thread. Thank God the Magdalene Laundries are closed or all these Scolds would have you locked up OP!

Big hugs and best wishes from me. I had a partner like this too, so I feel your pain. You'll get through this xxx

Yet another so-called father who is little more than a sperm donor who thinks parenting is optional and he can dip in and out as he pleases. I'm sorry OP, that's really rubbish. I think you'll come to find that you're all better off without him.

He’s not mature enough for family life. When you’re home don’t forget this seismic event. He has left you high and dry on holiday and you need to call time on him. It’s not fair on you or the children to carry on like this. Hope you get home safely.

Did you actually think this holiday through before booking it? Sounds seriously stressful even with you both on good terms!

I think you're doing the right thing going home. He just doesn't see the kids as his responsibility at all and is happy to fuck off for hours and hours and travel home without them. Absolutely useless

She said he was OK dad so maybe he will step up.

I might get bashed for this, but why keep having children if the needs of your other children mean that you cannot cope alone with them?

If he decided to walk away tomorrow and never come back, what would you do then?

It was a hat and they are still your children.

I would report him missing, first to reception and let they try and locate him, then to the police. Never go on holiday with him again!

OP please double check the airline you're travelling with will allow you to travel with 3 under five on your own before you decide he definitely can't travel with one of the children.

@BusyMommaOf4

Maybe it is a bit OTT but sometimes you realise you’re not good for each other. And if we can’t be a team or resolve issues then there’s no future there. Sad but as people have said, this isn’t good for the kids

You are very wise to realize this. One of the most important things I've learnt in my long life is that sometimes love is just not enough. You can love someone deeply but that doesn't mean they are right or good for you. Or you for them.

I wish you well going forward and hope that you and he can get through this 'next stage' (whatever that turns out to be) calmly and fairly. I already know that you will put your children first.

She planned her kids with her partner. She didn’t expect him to be an arse.

nobody knows what’s around the corner. If we all thought like this then we’d never have kids.

Are you for real?

Kids aged 4,3 and 0.
Eldest has autism and needs extra attention.

How is mum meant to watch all 3 kids, serve food at a buffet and bring it back to the table on her own? 🤷‍♀️

“you all go up together”

🤯

Next trip for food to the buffet. Find table closest to it or the bit where you’ll eat most food from. Park pram with two big ones securely strapped at table. Go get food with baby strapped to you. You have two hands free. Might take a few trips but you’ll all get fed. Staff should also help, just ask.
l would be raging with my hubby if he’d done that. Throwing stuff when stressed is out of order. How would you like it ? Though he does know you’re left with the kids which is a bit unfair.
Surely there’s play areas etc at the hotel where you could go. Go swimming when everything has calmed down. You two need to talk though as it doesn’t sound like a nice relationship

He blamed YOU, as he didn’t have HIS phone?! He’s a grown up right? I can see why you are going home. I think this was a classic man avoidant strategy so he could lurk in the bar all day and leave the hard work to you. I wouldn’t tolerate this nonsense either, life is too short

She has 4 sets of arms so it’s easy surely?! I agree there is no need for a pile on and it would be challenging (l say that as someone with twins!). Maybe people could be more constructive 🙄

Read all of your updates OP.
Being annoyed is one thing, leaving you with your three children all day whilst he swans off and does as he pleases is not okay. He could have taken one or two of the children. Then to not have his phone and not bother checking in on his family.

Regardless of how he feels towards you he isn’t behaving like a father. I hope you have a safe and uneventful journey home. I hope you have some support when you get back.

She can't leave the kids at the table whilst she gets plates for them all.

You need to read the updates.

OP has provided the following info:

Older child is almost 5 and was diagnosed ASD aged 3. It has to be pretty severe to be picked up so early. He has 1:1 support which is pretty hard to get. So the challenges are constant. It’s an interesting enough choice to take a child with these challenges abroad at this age where the routine and environments are completely different and you have none of the usual support mechanisms. It makes meltdowns more likely and you have to put more energy into everything to manage it. It’s also peak holiday time and the hottest part of the year.

3 year old is a handful.

Baby is 5 months old so 4 year old’s issues must have been known before she was conceived. And it’s unlikely the holiday was booked without knowing she would be 5 months old.

Partner (assume unmarried) has behaved badly previously.

They had a long day to travel which was 18 hours from one bed to another.

I see my sister’s (totally single parent) struggles with her lovely ASD son. She takes him to lots and lots of places but always in the UK and often with a friend or one or both of my parents for help. She doesn’t have other children to manage but the added stress of airports and flights and climate and availability of particular foods and activities has her rooted here for the time being. It’s a huge amount of work to manage his needs in and out of school and I just don’t understand some of the decisions OP has made.

Other issues aside, flight times influenced out choice of holiday destination when DS was small and we only had the one! Make things as easy as possible.

In your shoes I would be asking for help from staff at meals and using holiday clubs but if this goes on beyond today I would be seriously looking at whether I wanted to stay with him.

Sorry this has basically ended your relationship, although it sounds like that was coming anyway.

I'm not trying to give you advice, as I don't feel in a situation to, but it has been a wake up call for me. I'll explain - my lovely husband who at least earns us lots of money can often be pretty hands off with the kids and doesn't enjoy holidays. We have a 2.5 year old and nearly 6 month old and I think I should basically be prepared to be solo parenting 24/7 especially on days outs or holidays so will pack for that scenario (with reins, entertainment, buggies, supplies etc etc) even if he's with us, because I need to be able to handle the kids alone. I'm not sure it was a good idea for you to not be equipped to handle them alone. Although there's no way he should have f-'ed off for a whole day.

As above, older child’s needs were apparent before most recent baby was conceived. Partner has been an arse on previous occasions. Unlikely these are all in the last 5 months since baby arrived so this was also known.

Having 3 children close together should always be thought about very carefully as it’s always going to be challenging holding 3 small hands in 2. When the first child has significant additional needs which could require lifetime care, even more thought should be given, especially if you are in an unstable relationship with a man who behaves like an arse on occasion.

(I know OP has a 4th older child as well but being as they were left behind they are either much much older or have a different father which likely means different considerations for them.)

You are quite right. She should probably have an abortion.

Oh. Wait...