AIBU to just f off back home?

[BusyMommaOf4]

Day one of a weeks holiday in Spain with DP and DC (age 4, 3 and 0)

Me and DP had an argument this morning which was in my opinion trivial but I know people are different. Basically I was stressed because the 2 older kids had been crying most of the morning as we had a late arrival and they haven’t slept enough (got to hotel at 1.30am and was up at 7.30). Wasn’t working in the hotel room trying to get them to sleep so I wanted to get them out in the pushchair. Partner suggested going to the shops and (I believe he said) then go swimming straight after. Baby was asleep so didn’t get her ready for swimming. DP was taking ages getting ready so I said I’d just walk them up and down to stop the crying. Tbf it was only a few minutes when I came back as he still wasn’t out the room as he was doing his hair. I was unreasonably annoyed, basically in a huff saying I might as well get baby ready as I was waiting for him anyway (but didn’t say that). It was just the stress of waiting around for 2 hours in the room already with them not settling. Then it was an argument over what we were doing basically. Escalated as he said that he was gonna stay in the hotel room so I was fuming because that meant me being left with all 3 kids and I genuinely can’t take them all out by myself very easily. So I got pissed off and threw a hat at him which knocked his water over (that was out of order I know). So he said he was going out before he got angry. This was 7 hours ago. He’s not responding to messages etc so no clue where he is. He’s probably just in the hotel bar. But I’ve had this before where he takes days to calm down regardless of whether I apologise etc. Yes it was my fault but it this a normal reaction?! I can’t stay on holiday like this. There is literally no point me being here because I haven’t been able to take the kids swimming or anywhere really today. Had a walk to the shops (2 in a pushchair whilst wearing a baby carrier. 4 year old is autistic which is why he needs a pushchair for safety) so only a small walk. Got some food etc to cook as I don’t see how I can go to the restaurant with all of them as I can’t leave them at the table. We’re all inclusive and haven’t brought enough money to keep buying food as didn’t think that was going to be needed.
A friend has said she’ll lend me the money for flights home if I want to go tomorrow. AIBU if I do that and just leave him here? I will let him know but he’s not replying to anything even me asking if he was coming back so I could get the kids some food which I think is out of order. Hence the walk to the shops. So I have no clue when he’ll be back. What would you do?

Well said

Jesus lets not cross the road as we might get run over by a car

People make choices and things happen that they don't work out as they hoped

What a smug buch of patronising piffle there is among some very good advice

Op i wish you well and hope it works out the way it should.

Because he has been like this long before she opted for the last baby. Their relationship is on the rocks, he storms off and does the silent treatment. Yet knowing she can't manage the children on her own, she agrees to take them abroad. Accidents happen, either her or her partner could be incapacitated, or one of the children, they wouldn't have coped. Now there's anger and DA from both of them. I grew up with a Mother who threw things, it's unnerving and it escalates, as time goes by. The OP is in denial about how bad things are.

Why did you have 3 kids so close together if you can’t take them out by yourself? I am genuine baffled..what would you do in an emergency??

YABU and sound like a child yourself. Throwing items didn’t help the situation. You need to have a calm, grown up conversation with your partner about the amount of shared parenting you require from him on holiday. Running back home won’t solve the issue long term - also: how are you going to be able to cope with travelling alone with kids if you can’t manage to even get them to the pool yourself..

The dynamic of throwing an object at your partner, even something relatively harmless like a hat, is still a violent action. Especially in front of their children, sets a terrible example.

What next, "I only threw a fork", "I only threw a cup", "I only threw a plate".

Kids will grow up thinking this kind of behaviour is normal and acceptable.

First of all, I’m sorry this is happening OP. It must be so stressful.

From your posts you are struggling to think practically. The hotel staff would help you at the buffet to handle the kids and get them all food. The staff are there to help it is their jobs. But instead you avoid the buffet you have paid for and go out and get more food.

and then the solution you and your husband come up with is that he will take all the bags home (previous posts have pointed out that this won’t work) and you take all the kids. That is the least practical way you could arrange things.

I think you need to take a beat and think how you practically manage situations and make use of the help
available to you

Or maybe you could stop projecting all over the thread.

SIGH.

Holy shit what a terrible person he us. Just unbelievable! Travel safely and then try to leave him.

Travel safe and then work out an escape plan OP - get some legal advice and garner some support from friends and family. This is not a good situation for either you or the kids - cut loose from this manchild and forge a way forward. Don't be coerced into staying, this is not a safe environment for any of you.

Yes, he's a childish twat. How are the children going to react if you fly off home leaving Daddy behind? Will you be "the baddie"?
I'd tough it out, manage as best you can until the holiday ends. Let the other guests see you struggling while your dickhead husband hogs the bar. Ask the hotel for help to get food at mealtimes
When you are home, then you can decide, in a less stressful situation, whether this is how you want to bring up your children.
Bite your tongue, let him be the one who spoils thing. You can occupy the moral high ground and have plenty of ammo for whatever you decide to do when you get back.

Do you all honestly think I best not have another child incase the father turns out to be a twat and I have to parent them alone?

Frankly, yes, especially when you already have a child with 1:1 needs which are only likely to increase in future. (My profoundly autistic nephew is a 2 year old in a 7 year old’s body so can pull curtains and curtain poles off the wall and cause himself serious harm if not properly supervised. Hormonal changes in boys are likely to cause aggression as they grow and it’s not fair to younger children when you know you will be unable to give the attention needed to them.)

But when he’s pissed off then no, he does check out basically and leave me to deal with it unless I literally go and hand him the kids. It has always been me that’s pissed him off but I don’t know why it takes so long for him to calm down. Same cycle. Silence for a few days and then we’ll have to argue about it again.

And this isn’t the first time he has been a twat, is it? You’ve had at least one child with him in the full knowledge of that.

I think it sounds very toxic on all sides tbh. If it's reached the stage where this kind of thing is normal I would go home and start proceedings to split up.

The way some people live is genuinely mind-boggling to me.

So OP’s husband started behaving like this after 3rd child was born?

You say this has ruined the kids holiday. Your kids are too young to even know where they are. Possibly have been just as happy in a holiday park here.
I don't understand why you would take a newborn on holiday abroad.
But you had 3 kids with a manchild. This is your life now.

Don't borrow money you can't pay back. Put winging kids to bed, sit on the balcony if you have one.
Why oh why did you have 3 kids .....its just amazing in the age of free birth control that you did not see this coming.

Well that all escalated quickly. From huff over taking too long to do his hair to water bottle being knocked over =12 hour AWOL and texts unanswered. Now rather than work through OP and still for now DH are flying home separately but both ‘calm’.

OP from an outsiders point of view you both sound very stubborn, proud and like the types who would cut off your noses to spite your face (ala no I’ll take all the kids). The same kids couldn’t feed in AI restaurant but can navigate an airport? I’m sure a member of staff if asked on that score, would have helped, but I get it. You were cross.

Separate flights = no way back. Such a shame really, as inability to communicate and repair properly on both sides seems main issue. Sorry it’s worked out this way OP.

Can your sister not fly out then, if he is leaving? You could have a holiday with her.

Haven't RTFT so sorry if this has been covered, but if you can't manage them on your own, how are you going to fly back with all the luggage etc?

Just go and find him and tell him he either sorts himself out, or he can take the kids if he doesn't want to spend the week with you and you'll fly home alone.

She threw a hat towards him and it spilled some water, it's hardly a vicious assault. This is all very OTT.

Regardless of what happened he should have responsibility for his children and not expect the OP to look after the 3 of them alone for such a long time.

I hope you get home ok, OP

Yes, it goes some way to explain why men's reports of being physically abused by their wives are so high.

ugh i was in a similiar relationship. both people get angrier and angrier at each other and there is no calming each other down. you cant talk it out.

you had an argument - he escalated it by storming off - you escalated it again by deciding to leave the holiday.

when you both go home - you will argue more and more, sleep in seperate rooms until you both eventually calm down or break up.

its key to try to communicate better and not communicate angrily at the start

She was obviously so full of rage, threatening and terrifying to him that he had to run out and hide for the entire day and night…

Leaving his three young children in her care. 🙄

i used to be in a relationship just like that.we would get so annoyed at each other that one of us would go off for the day.