AIBU to just f off back home?

[BusyMommaOf4]

Day one of a weeks holiday in Spain with DP and DC (age 4, 3 and 0)

Me and DP had an argument this morning which was in my opinion trivial but I know people are different. Basically I was stressed because the 2 older kids had been crying most of the morning as we had a late arrival and they haven’t slept enough (got to hotel at 1.30am and was up at 7.30). Wasn’t working in the hotel room trying to get them to sleep so I wanted to get them out in the pushchair. Partner suggested going to the shops and (I believe he said) then go swimming straight after. Baby was asleep so didn’t get her ready for swimming. DP was taking ages getting ready so I said I’d just walk them up and down to stop the crying. Tbf it was only a few minutes when I came back as he still wasn’t out the room as he was doing his hair. I was unreasonably annoyed, basically in a huff saying I might as well get baby ready as I was waiting for him anyway (but didn’t say that). It was just the stress of waiting around for 2 hours in the room already with them not settling. Then it was an argument over what we were doing basically. Escalated as he said that he was gonna stay in the hotel room so I was fuming because that meant me being left with all 3 kids and I genuinely can’t take them all out by myself very easily. So I got pissed off and threw a hat at him which knocked his water over (that was out of order I know). So he said he was going out before he got angry. This was 7 hours ago. He’s not responding to messages etc so no clue where he is. He’s probably just in the hotel bar. But I’ve had this before where he takes days to calm down regardless of whether I apologise etc. Yes it was my fault but it this a normal reaction?! I can’t stay on holiday like this. There is literally no point me being here because I haven’t been able to take the kids swimming or anywhere really today. Had a walk to the shops (2 in a pushchair whilst wearing a baby carrier. 4 year old is autistic which is why he needs a pushchair for safety) so only a small walk. Got some food etc to cook as I don’t see how I can go to the restaurant with all of them as I can’t leave them at the table. We’re all inclusive and haven’t brought enough money to keep buying food as didn’t think that was going to be needed.
A friend has said she’ll lend me the money for flights home if I want to go tomorrow. AIBU if I do that and just leave him here? I will let him know but he’s not replying to anything even me asking if he was coming back so I could get the kids some food which I think is out of order. Hence the walk to the shops. So I have no clue when he’ll be back. What would you do?

God leave her alone!

Fair play to you girl, you sound like an amazing strong woman, wish I had your minerals tbh. Good luck from hereon xx

I feel sorry for the children. They have all this upset, disruption and trauma heaped on them because of adult behaviour.

They were no doubt promised a grest holiday, sun, sea, pools and fun and instead they have to go home.
Neither parent is putting the children first and that's so sad. Time for both parents especially Dad to take responsibility. Poor children

Hope your plane journey is ok xx

Exactly. And if the phone was off, the messages wouldn't have even been delivered. They would have only one tick to show as sent. OP didn't say anything about messages not being delivered or even messages not being read. She only said that he wasn't replying. Which would suggest he was reading the messages. How did he manage that if the phone was under the sofa bed.

This is going to be so confusing and upsetting for your children. Can’t you at least agree to be civil for the holiday and split when you get home? I’ve never read such a chaotic and ridiculous post. Your poor children 😔

Hence my suggestion of staying and doing things separately. In fact if husband could act like a grown up they could probably come to an agreement to see the holiday out for the children's sake, but it sound like thats not possible.

I just dont see the point of them going home separately and the hige extra cost for them when money is a consideration. With her wrangling the children and him comfortable.

If they must go home they should do it sensibly rather than all the drama, but sounds like with the huffy puffy manchild that's not possible.

Not much to add to what others have said, op, but I'm sorry your holiday (and husband) turned out to be such a dud. There is absolutely no point in people wondering why you had 3 kids with him. You went on holiday with the best of intentions, not thinking that he'd disappear. What a nightmare.

Safe travels home. Only you can decide what's best once you're back on home territory.

In fairness the huffy puffy manhole has offered to take a child and it was refused.

Neither parent is acting fairly to these children, I think the two eldest will remember this, which is sad.

I cannot fathom that two adults who are now “being calm” are going to return home separately and can’t actually get on the same plane with luggage and children to ensure the children get home safely from this awful experience.

As a previous PP said, the additional luggage charge of one person taking luggage from five is not going to be cheap? Just what is the point of this, book and sit separately (as they were on the way out), if necessary.

This is just dreadful behaviour, I doubt the DH is going to move out immediately they get home, so they’ll have to spend sometime together.

Don't be daft. The 4 year old likely finds holidays stressful anyway and the others are too young to understand. If the holiday is not making life easier for the OP coming home is absolutely the right thing to do.

He will have turned it off, he is not daft. But I have a suspicion, you could be suggesting he had it with him, and that is an interesting idea and he perhaps only came back to control the narrative when she said she was going home if he didn't come back. Interesting thought!

I really feel for you and understand your frustration with the whole thing and obviously only you know what you want to happen in your marriage from here.

Just to let you know that he is going to have issues taking your cases. The case is under your name too, everyone who buys a seat will have the luggage under their own name he'll have to pay excess charges or re book the bags under his name which cost . It's not cheap. Also new flights for you all is going to be expensive.

Can you all not just try to continue the holiday, let the children enjoy the time and push both your feelings to the back until you get home. Or obviously money isn't a concern so ask the hotel for a second room if you can't stand to be in each others company and one of you use it to sleep in .

You've done this big journey the children have seen the facilities and it'll be confusing to them going back home after a day. Agreed with each other that you'll separate when you get home but for now try enjoy what you've paid for.

Don’t put all the food for them on the plate at one time. Just a very small amount and they can carry it then go back up.

Neithers choosing to get a dog.

Mines always on silent.

He was appalling, but frankly you both need to give your heads a shake and need to act as parents.

All of you (or any of you) going home, with all the costs of that, is frankly ridiculous. If you are going to separate (which you should), you'll need to be able to communicate enough to coparent. So for goodness sake grow up the pair of you, and start co-parenting and learn to be civil now.

If you go home, check in as a family, sort out the luggage and kids and faff as a family.

Though why you'd want to throw away thousands of pounds on an all inclusive holiday to come home on day 2 rather than try and make the best of it, I don't get.

If he wants to go home, can someone come out to you to replace him and help? It would be cheaper than all the new flights.

The poor kids don't deserve to be stuck in this. The fact that (1) things escalated so quickly and to you throwing things - albeit only a hat, and him storming off and disappearing and (2) you were so chilled about him disappearing that weren't going to worry until tomorrow, makes me think you have a volatile relationship normally.

It's clear you guys need to split - this is a horrifically toxic environment for everyone, especially your kids, but you do need to both act like grown ups now and not make any rash decisions.

I missed where he volunteered but yes its mostly what I'm thinking.

Ive four sprogs myself and travelled when the eldest was 12 and youngest 4 months. It doesnt compare with 3 so young and close together but the first day is always fraught with the travelling and going through airports at odd hours and it normally settles down.

In this case theres more going on and id be furious to be left with 3 under 5s and him knowing how difficult it is to get food etc.

So yes if they are calm why not sort things out in the most sensible way. Maybe they will as tempers are possibly still hot but why guve yourself more hassle than you have to.

Thinking of opening a book on the bloke being 'unable' to get a flight today - and reappearing in the UK at the end of the week, suntanned and minus the extra luggage.

OP has actually had 4 children. She left one at home.

It appears that she is not married to this man. Her life seems pretty chaotic even before this holiday.

Most people only have one or two children in the 2020s. I think the birth rate is something like 1.5 children per mother.

Those that do have 2 or more kids usually plan them, and are usually in a stable relationship first.

However, those with larger families are usually very well organised. They can navigate the hotel buffet with 3 kids in tow.

The husband sounds like a prick but it was the OP that resorted to violence which unnecessarily escalated the situation.

Never understand parents who take kids off on expensive foreign holidays when the kids are too young to even remember them!

@BusyMommaOf4

I'm not going to tell you that you shouldn't have so many kids (I have more!) or question taking young ones abroad (well, obviously you didn't see all this coming) - I fail to see how questioning your life choices is actually HELPING you, & it makes me so angry.
That said, I think you are being so strong & doing so well. I hope you're soon home with your babies & can RELAX. Big hugs.

Go home and then tell him to eff off out of your life. What an absolute B.

And another short post just to comment on the smug bitches that some of you are. Ye Gods. Have a day off.

You have an over inflated idea of violence

"Day one of a weeks holiday in Spain with DP and DC (age 4, 3 and 0)"

Sounds like hell, even before I started reading the rest.

Does your 'D'P have avoidant tendencies by any chance?

"Escalated as he said that he was gonna stay in the hotel room so I was fuming because that meant me being left with all 3 kids"

My hunch is that he was banking on you freaking out at him so he could flounce and spend some relaxation in the hotel bar.

"So he said he was going out before he got angry. This was 7 hours ago. He’s not responding to messages etc so no clue where he is. He’s probably just in the hotel bar."

Bingo.

"But I’ve had this before where he takes days to calm down regardless of whether I apologise etc."

Stonewalling. It's emotional abuse.

YANBU to leave - unless he's willing to give you a 7 hour break immediately.