AIBU to just f off back home?

[BusyMommaOf4]

Day one of a weeks holiday in Spain with DP and DC (age 4, 3 and 0)

Me and DP had an argument this morning which was in my opinion trivial but I know people are different. Basically I was stressed because the 2 older kids had been crying most of the morning as we had a late arrival and they haven’t slept enough (got to hotel at 1.30am and was up at 7.30). Wasn’t working in the hotel room trying to get them to sleep so I wanted to get them out in the pushchair. Partner suggested going to the shops and (I believe he said) then go swimming straight after. Baby was asleep so didn’t get her ready for swimming. DP was taking ages getting ready so I said I’d just walk them up and down to stop the crying. Tbf it was only a few minutes when I came back as he still wasn’t out the room as he was doing his hair. I was unreasonably annoyed, basically in a huff saying I might as well get baby ready as I was waiting for him anyway (but didn’t say that). It was just the stress of waiting around for 2 hours in the room already with them not settling. Then it was an argument over what we were doing basically. Escalated as he said that he was gonna stay in the hotel room so I was fuming because that meant me being left with all 3 kids and I genuinely can’t take them all out by myself very easily. So I got pissed off and threw a hat at him which knocked his water over (that was out of order I know). So he said he was going out before he got angry. This was 7 hours ago. He’s not responding to messages etc so no clue where he is. He’s probably just in the hotel bar. But I’ve had this before where he takes days to calm down regardless of whether I apologise etc. Yes it was my fault but it this a normal reaction?! I can’t stay on holiday like this. There is literally no point me being here because I haven’t been able to take the kids swimming or anywhere really today. Had a walk to the shops (2 in a pushchair whilst wearing a baby carrier. 4 year old is autistic which is why he needs a pushchair for safety) so only a small walk. Got some food etc to cook as I don’t see how I can go to the restaurant with all of them as I can’t leave them at the table. We’re all inclusive and haven’t brought enough money to keep buying food as didn’t think that was going to be needed.
A friend has said she’ll lend me the money for flights home if I want to go tomorrow. AIBU if I do that and just leave him here? I will let him know but he’s not replying to anything even me asking if he was coming back so I could get the kids some food which I think is out of order. Hence the walk to the shops. So I have no clue when he’ll be back. What would you do?

I'm sorry you went through that. I also have had abusive relationships however I can differentiate between someone being abusive and someone at the end of their tether throwing a baby hat.

OP isn't your ex or you. Stop projecting.

You’re all absolutely exhausted. Best thing would be to go home as a family, get back into your routine and discuss things as adults in a quiet environment.

Just wanted to send you a virtual hug OP. Been there with the useless abusive husband. The passive aggressive time wasting, the leaving for hours/days because they feel slighted. It's all emotional abuse. I hope you get free of this man xx

I feel so sad for you, you sound so defeated.
having just left a similar relationship it is really hard coming to the end of any hope.
men like him love the control and punishment, for me the silent treatment and disappearance would normally result in his goal - me begging and promising and complying.

it really is the end when you just don’t have the energy to keep to the rules. My now ex will never change, these men are so entrenched in their own self-righteousnesss, rules and control that they cannot see any wrong.

im 6 weeks down the line and still panicking about not complying, questioning my actions, almost craving the control however mad that sounds.

This is really hard for you but I promise it’s the right path, you and the children will flourish as the atmosphere calms.

You are dealing with an incredibly hard decision, a scary leap of faith. Be gentle with yourself

The weather in the UK hasn't been lovely everywhere. The UK is a big place with four separate countries 🙄

Why did you choose to have 3 kids so close together

Some of these poor decisions are your responsibility too. Including marrying an idiot and having 3 kids

Would you say this to someone irl? It seems that empathy to you is only a shampoo from the 80s 🙄

He's punishing you OP and when you have 3 kids you do not get to disappear for 7 hours. They are as much his responsibility as yours. If it was me, I would go home.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Ignore the horrible unhelpful comments. You have three children aged 4 and under- vanishing for over 12 hours because you threw a baby swim hat in his general direction and it knocked a plastic bottle over, is not okay. As many have said it's controlling and punitive. To then attempt to gaslight you into believing he thought you had taken his phone. There was an easy way of locating his phone a good 12 hours earlier- come back and look for it!

I hope you have a safe journey home and the children sleep well on the plane x
(I also hope you leave this man!!)

Sorry it's all gone to rats OP. Safe and easy flight home and I hope you can settle into a nicer, easier life without his dramatics going forward. Sending big hugs over MN.

I'm not totally clear on what exactly happened BUT it sounds like he's assumed going on holiday with three under 5s (which is INSANE btw) will be just like going on holiday with one or none. We couldn't afford airplane sunny holidays when ours were that age but I know that factoring in people being tired and hungry is essential.

Sounds like you and he were both probably tired and hungry too?! That doesn't make any of us our best selves. You've both been petty and you've both become angrier quicker because you're knackered and need to eat.

Most of our hols when our kids were that age were a 2.5 hour max drive from our home and in a caravan or a cabin at a site with an indoor pool. We'd mostly treat it like being at home but with the bonus of a dishwasher!

Your mate offering to pay for your flights does suggest this is kind of a big deal though and probably not the first time he's acted like this?

I would ask the staff at the hotel if they can assist you with your meals at the restaurant. As a guest I'd be happy to help out a single parent with a lot of young children with carrying a tray to their table.

My blue sky thinking suggestion is: get the friend who's offered to pay for flights to buy her own flights to join you at the hotel!

That way, you and the kids can still have a holiday, you solve the challenge of looking after them as you'd have an extra adult, you get some pleasant adult company, you can go swimming, she'll probs be more helpful at mealtimes etc. Tell your husband that he's chosen to check out of his parental responsibilities by going AWOL for 7 hours so he can have the solo holiday he clearly desires while you make memories with your children and your friend. Bin him off.

This.

His behaviour is unacceptable, manipulative and controlling.

When you get home start planning to get rid of this man child. He has no respect for your or your kids.

Wow. What possible use is this hurtful and pointless comment to the OP at this point in time ? Decisions get made over time, usually for all the right reasons. Sometimes things go wrong or don’t work out as we expected/hoped. No point in being judgemental after the fact. She has asked for advice not judgement.

I’m sorry you’ve had a rough few days op. I think you’re amazing trying to manage it all given the circumstances.
im sorry it’s gone so horribly wrong for you.

To the people saying why take three young children including a baby to Spain well I say if she’d had the support from dickhead husband it would probably have been fine, but no he had to have a massive sulk and saw a way to check out of doing any actual parenting and left op to it.

Too bad that none of these super parents on here that are full of criticism weren’t around to show her how it’s done.

and the phone thing… switching it off and hiding it under the sofa and then trying to blame op, what a piece of total 💩 he is.

A poster further up asked if your friend lent you enough money to cover dickheads flight home. I hope she hasn’t and he has to pay for himself. Nasty selfish piece of work.

All credit to you op for managing to get through this drama, and all because you threw a light cotton child’s hat at him which upset some water. He was probably upset because it spoiled his hair and made his mascara run and he would have had to start his preening all over again 😱

Hope you have a safe, drama free journey op,and that the DCs won’t be too wound up.

what you decide to do about dickhead/husband/child remains to be seen.

All the best and sending great big hugs. 🫂

Bully for you

You’d rather risk navigating with all three children across an airport on a flight etc, than accept he take one of them? Surely the 4 year old would be better off with 1-1 parenting on that journey?

Sorry, but this comes across as being a martyr.

op I’m so sorry you are going through this. Is there any way you could stay with any of the children, to give you some space? Let DH take others home? It seems such a shame for you not to get to enjoy any of your holidays.

I’ve been in a similar position with now ex dh, although we had no children with us at the time. I flew home from Vegas alone. Sending you lots of support.

OP o can see you e both agreed the relationship is over.

However rather than spend a fortune getting home can you just divide and conquer for the week and salvage some holiday?

take 1/2 kids each and mix it up.

once they are in bed take it in turns to have an evening watching the entertainment, going for a walk, sitting somewhere quiet and reading?

I know it’s not ideal but surely better than starting life as a single mum in debt for flights home?

Kudos to you being able to carry 3 plates , hold a baby and supervise 2 toddlers at n a busy area with hot stuff everywhere

Choosing to have 3 children is not a particularly sensible choice as no one knows what the future holds.

On that basis why have any at all?

Eh?

Maybe this message is too late but wouldn't it be better to get some use of your holiday, rather than spend one evening flying there and then spend the next morning flying home? I presume it was all paid for in advance - the all inclusive food at the hotel. What a shame to not get any use of it at all.
Plus it must cost a lot to book last minute new flights home. I realise the holiday feels ruined and not manageable, so maybe you could still cut it short but not this short... so have at least a day or 2 at the hotel so the kids can go in the pool.
It must feel very unsettling to them to fly straight to Spain and straight back.
I realise you might already be on your way home now though. Hope it all goes ok. x

Exactly.

OP I'm so sorry things have turned out like this.

I would divorce him and then you would at least have some quality time on your own while he has them all

But if his phone was under the sofabed surely you would have heard it ring OP?

Totally understand why you want to go home. However if youre speaking sensibly to each other would it not be better to say look we're going home, we arent speaking to each other but lets get the children and cases home sensibly? Rather that than you wrestling them and paying a huge amount for extra baggage if he takes it?

Practically in high season it might not be possible to get flights at short notice and along with the baggage its going to cost a fortune, you mentioned being careful with money so its obviously a consideration, you will have to pay your friend back.

I would have a conversation if you can and say lets see the holiday out doing things separately with the kids, eating separately if you wish, and when you get home do whatever you need to for the future.

By the way no wonder other forums take the piss! You have a desperate young mum reaching out for practical advice right now and we have Klampits asking why she had kids so close together, fuck me talk about tearing someone down when they most need support.