AIBU to just f off back home?

[BusyMommaOf4]

Day one of a weeks holiday in Spain with DP and DC (age 4, 3 and 0)

Me and DP had an argument this morning which was in my opinion trivial but I know people are different. Basically I was stressed because the 2 older kids had been crying most of the morning as we had a late arrival and they haven’t slept enough (got to hotel at 1.30am and was up at 7.30). Wasn’t working in the hotel room trying to get them to sleep so I wanted to get them out in the pushchair. Partner suggested going to the shops and (I believe he said) then go swimming straight after. Baby was asleep so didn’t get her ready for swimming. DP was taking ages getting ready so I said I’d just walk them up and down to stop the crying. Tbf it was only a few minutes when I came back as he still wasn’t out the room as he was doing his hair. I was unreasonably annoyed, basically in a huff saying I might as well get baby ready as I was waiting for him anyway (but didn’t say that). It was just the stress of waiting around for 2 hours in the room already with them not settling. Then it was an argument over what we were doing basically. Escalated as he said that he was gonna stay in the hotel room so I was fuming because that meant me being left with all 3 kids and I genuinely can’t take them all out by myself very easily. So I got pissed off and threw a hat at him which knocked his water over (that was out of order I know). So he said he was going out before he got angry. This was 7 hours ago. He’s not responding to messages etc so no clue where he is. He’s probably just in the hotel bar. But I’ve had this before where he takes days to calm down regardless of whether I apologise etc. Yes it was my fault but it this a normal reaction?! I can’t stay on holiday like this. There is literally no point me being here because I haven’t been able to take the kids swimming or anywhere really today. Had a walk to the shops (2 in a pushchair whilst wearing a baby carrier. 4 year old is autistic which is why he needs a pushchair for safety) so only a small walk. Got some food etc to cook as I don’t see how I can go to the restaurant with all of them as I can’t leave them at the table. We’re all inclusive and haven’t brought enough money to keep buying food as didn’t think that was going to be needed.
A friend has said she’ll lend me the money for flights home if I want to go tomorrow. AIBU if I do that and just leave him here? I will let him know but he’s not replying to anything even me asking if he was coming back so I could get the kids some food which I think is out of order. Hence the walk to the shops. So I have no clue when he’ll be back. What would you do?

What a waste of a man.

It infuriates me when they manage to trick a woman in to allowing them to breed, then they just walk away from all resonsibility.

I'd rather struggle on my own with three children than put up with this disrespect and disinterest op. Sounds like he has checked out on your family already.

Throw the whole man out. I’m sorry this has been such a horrible thing to go through - make it your rock bottom and spring up up up from here. Because you and your children deserve a happier life than this.

Oh bless you @BusyMommaOf4, what a disappointing holiday. I would say end of but it never really started.

Maybe you could use this as a catalyst to extract yourself from this relationship.
Sometimes being alone is better than what you have!

I doubt his phone was under the sofa bed … he’ll have been drinking and scrolling. He wouldn't have been off his phone for 12 hours!

Don't take all the kids with you … he needs to take at least one.

Great plan!!!!!!☝️☝️☝️☝️

Even with a good husband can't honestly see how a holiday abroad with three small children in the height of the season is remotely appealing. Whose idea was it?

I honestly would divorce your useless twat of a husband and insist on 50/50. He can have the kids 50% of the time and you can get a life.

I also think you probably should stick to something more kids friendly for a holiday - a caravan, maybe, getting there in a car - home from home type of thing. Or wait until they are older - but with special needs child I doubt it would ever be easy. I doubt you would have had a relaxing holiday even with your H there helping. Shame you can't just fuck off for a day with no phone.

On the side note - I personally could never understand why people have so many children so close together. I know you cant stick them back - but surely after the first couple you know its hard work, and the more you have the harder it is to deal with them all? Two maybe ok, but 3, all so little?

There's no excuse to be subjecting your children to this shit show of a relationship. When you have to return from a holiday like this, the relationship needs to end. His behaviour isn't new, but you throw another baby into the mix, when it means that you each can't separately manage your children?
Your children need a child in need plan. I might get criticised for what I've written but both of you are willing to put your children at risk of harm.

This is such a sad update OP. Don’t let him off with just taking the luggage. He needs to help with the kids too.

You need to leave this abusive man op. it’s not a healthy environment for you or your children. He’s not a partner and you’re better off being a solo parent, which is pretty much what you’re doing anyway!

I really feel for you OP. It sounds like such a miserable situation he’s put you in.
I hope if you do head home that he has the decency to help with the children on the journey.

There is nothing wrong with a holiday abroad with young children if you like that sort of thing even ND does not preclude good holidays abroad, we had them for years with young kids. There is a lot wrong with having a selfish, entitled arsehole as a parent.

@localnotail
“I honestly would divorce your useless twat of a husband and insist on 50/50. He can have the kids 50% of the time and you can get a life.”

And how do you force someone to parent 50% of the time ? If OP’s husband can leave her in another country with 3 very young children for hours on end , it doesn’t sound like he bothers that much !

Jezus. What a car crash. Bet its cost you a pretty penny too.
This relationship is toxic. Who disappears for so long with no communication to their partner, its even worse considering you have children.
Spending ages doing his hair?! I take 15 mins to do mine and its nearly down to my bum 🤣

Id be out of the entire relationship....who wants to live like this?! Whose idea was the holiday?! Sounds unenjoyable for everyone tbh, with children your ages why didn't you just go somewhere in uk for a bit those poor kids being kept up til 1.30am sometimes I think adults put such unrealistic expectations on kids, and the kids dont even understand the big fuss about holidays either, so the end doesnt justify the means. They'd be happy with a bucket and spade on a beach. Devon, Cornwall, Wales are all stunning. No need to go on a plane when they are little.

Mine are 12 and 6, they've not been abroad yet, first time next year. Weve done lots of lovely places in the UK, usually 3 holiday breaks a year, they have loved them all.

May I suggest you ditch the husband, neither of you are happy, the atmosphere for your kids will be awful, amicably split, work out co parenting and book a haven or park dean site for you and your kids as something to look forward go next year

Highly recommend Hafan y Mor in Wales, lovely place 👍

I'd pack up, get a cab to the airport and head home. I'd drop him a text at wheels up to let him know, of course. "Hadn't heard from you - assume it's over? I'll be back at LHR in a frw hours and will make a start on the divorce paperwork."

But that's probably why it's best I'm not in a relationship! 🤣

Some people just like to criticise other people’s life choices.

I’d love to know some of your life choices so I could pick them apart. Come on, let’s hear it. Tell us about your lifestyle, job, holiday decisions etc, and then we will tell you if you could have done better or if you have made the absolutely best decisions anybody could have made.

Perhaps they booked in February when it was raining every day.

@BusyMommaOf4 What a disgusting man. As if leaving his phone is an excuse. It’s so pathetic it’s embarrassing.

Show him this thread (if you feel safe to do so) so he understands how his behaviour looks to others.

As others have pointed out, he’s abusive and engages in coercive control. It might be worth a call to Women’s Aid when you get home. Ne aware that he may escalate now.

Good luck in future. I hope you get rid of him and have a better life.

I really feel for you, OP. Will you give us an update once youre home?

What would you like the outcome of this to be? Do you love this man?

Do you seriously think that this is the type of judgment that OP needs right now?
Jeez!!!!

Still, why is he palming all the kids, including one with SEN off on you? I get the flight times are possibly different but if they are from the same airport then surely he could take a couple of the kids too if you’ve got the baby?

If not, my advice would be to find the passenger assistance people at the airport as soon as you get there and explain about your child with SEN. They’ll likely help you get through security and take you to the gate. Even if your son doesn’t have a lanyard/ assistance booked. Explain it was a last minute change.

Oh and make sure this shit show never happens again- for your poor kids’ sake as much as yours. Start planning a life without him as soon as you can.

He needs to think again about taking all the luggage anyway as I think he'll only be able to take his own baggage allowance if travelling alone.

She's abswered already.

"As others have said you can’t compare it to being at home. I parent solely most days as I’m on maternity and he’s at work. And they’re all at home 2 days during the week. I can manage going out certain places if I’m prepared. At home obviously it’s safe and everything is secured."

I’m not sure why people keep questioning why I have so many kids. Do you all honestly think I best not have another child incase the father turns out to be a twat and I have to parent them alone? And even so, I am capable of looking after them myself. At home. Not in Spain. I could plan a holiday in the uk that I could manage. I just didn’t come here prepared for this situation. If I’d known I could have at least brought kids reins etc. I would have booked a villa. Not come to an AI hotel.
He has offered to have one of the kids but I’d rather just take them and not worry about luggage.
I don’t know if he didn’t have his phone. He blamed me and said he thought I’d taken his phone. He sees absolutely nothing wrong with his behaviour so can’t get past it. He did however take the 2 older kids for breakfast. So as I said we’re both calm now and still at the point where this isn’t fixable. So no point in staying. He will be leaving the house when we’re back. Maybe it is a bit OTT but sometimes you realise you’re not good for each other. And if we can’t be a team or resolve issues then there’s no future there. Sad but as people have said, this isn’t good for the kids