AIBU to just f off back home?

[BusyMommaOf4]

Day one of a weeks holiday in Spain with DP and DC (age 4, 3 and 0)

Me and DP had an argument this morning which was in my opinion trivial but I know people are different. Basically I was stressed because the 2 older kids had been crying most of the morning as we had a late arrival and they haven’t slept enough (got to hotel at 1.30am and was up at 7.30). Wasn’t working in the hotel room trying to get them to sleep so I wanted to get them out in the pushchair. Partner suggested going to the shops and (I believe he said) then go swimming straight after. Baby was asleep so didn’t get her ready for swimming. DP was taking ages getting ready so I said I’d just walk them up and down to stop the crying. Tbf it was only a few minutes when I came back as he still wasn’t out the room as he was doing his hair. I was unreasonably annoyed, basically in a huff saying I might as well get baby ready as I was waiting for him anyway (but didn’t say that). It was just the stress of waiting around for 2 hours in the room already with them not settling. Then it was an argument over what we were doing basically. Escalated as he said that he was gonna stay in the hotel room so I was fuming because that meant me being left with all 3 kids and I genuinely can’t take them all out by myself very easily. So I got pissed off and threw a hat at him which knocked his water over (that was out of order I know). So he said he was going out before he got angry. This was 7 hours ago. He’s not responding to messages etc so no clue where he is. He’s probably just in the hotel bar. But I’ve had this before where he takes days to calm down regardless of whether I apologise etc. Yes it was my fault but it this a normal reaction?! I can’t stay on holiday like this. There is literally no point me being here because I haven’t been able to take the kids swimming or anywhere really today. Had a walk to the shops (2 in a pushchair whilst wearing a baby carrier. 4 year old is autistic which is why he needs a pushchair for safety) so only a small walk. Got some food etc to cook as I don’t see how I can go to the restaurant with all of them as I can’t leave them at the table. We’re all inclusive and haven’t brought enough money to keep buying food as didn’t think that was going to be needed.
A friend has said she’ll lend me the money for flights home if I want to go tomorrow. AIBU if I do that and just leave him here? I will let him know but he’s not replying to anything even me asking if he was coming back so I could get the kids some food which I think is out of order. Hence the walk to the shops. So I have no clue when he’ll be back. What would you do?

He won’t be able to take all the luggage. Why not go back together then separate from this manchild once you get back. He needs to help with his children. I assume he is the father?

@Ponoka7 ”both of you are willing to put your children at risk of harm.

How has the OP put her kids at harm? She’s lost her temper and thrown a small
cloth baby hat across the room which toppled a plastic bottle of water- other than that she has deliberately not done anything she can’t manage with them and had a thoroughly awful day. I don’t think that’s fair at all.

Ignore these judgmental idiots who don’t understand relationships or abusive men. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but you seem to have reached the best decision for you and your children. His continued belief that his behaviour was acceptable is shocking, although not surprising. Stay strong, lovely.

Some possible responses to your questions that occur to me as highly likely:

• Because the weather hasn’t been nice all year and they likely booked in winter when they didn’t know what summer would be like.
• Because children are not fundamentally more difficult to deal with abroad than in the UK, all else being well.
• Because she wasn’t anticipating her partner behaving this badly and having to come home.
• Because she wanted to go abroad (and that’s allowed).

Regarding having three children ‘so close together’, some possibilities:

• Because they weren’t aware of the elder child’s needs until later.
• Because ages gaps of two years aren’t uncommon or even that close. It can be a bit challenging at times, but manageable.
• Perhaps they were older and wanted their family.
• Because she didn’t realise her partner would become so horrendous.

Regarding blaming her for being with her partner (they aren’t married, but the way, from her description of DP) these points may be useful:

• Coercive control often unfolds very slowly. It’s likely that he wasn’t anywhere near this bad until they’d had at least one child, perhaps more.
• Once in that situation, the way the victim is made to feel makes leaving very difficult.
• It is never the victim’s fault.

Just go on the same flight then you have the full baggage allowance and he can help with the kids. You can sit apart on the plane and break up properly in the UK.

She would have the help in the day from school, nursery, family. Here she is 24/7 parenting alone. Yes it will be hard but far better to be alone with 4 kids than lonely with an extra manchild to tip toe around.

Don't be gaslit by this awful man OP, throwing the hat was reactive abuse i suspect, so don't let hom paint you as the demon here.

I'm sorry you are struggling and if i were staff or a fellow holiday maker i would happily help you feed the kids in the restaurant, so do ask for help.

I'd take a serious look at what you get out of this relationship on return home and at any changes you need to make.

Has your friend lent you enough for him to have a flight as well ?

did you book flights then for yourself and the children last night / yesterday or do you still have to do that ?

Ignore the victim blaming cunts OP. We didn't all have the crystal ball and the emotional superiority they posess when landing a partner and making life choices.

It’s good that you’re being civil and calm. As you say, key thing is to get everyone home safe. And yes it’s sad, but sometimes it takes everything coming to a head for people to get a wake up call. In a way it’s good that this has happened now whilst your kids are still young and you can make some sensible choices about co-parenting and they are much less likely to be affected by the break up.

Think of it as a blessing you can now start to move on.

And I don’t believe him for one moment about the phone- plus even if it was there all the more reason for him to come back surely? I could understand him taking an hour to calm down but after that, no excuse.

I'm sorry OP - what an awful experience for you. Holidays with v young DC are extremely stressful, and SEN can put a real strain on a relationship.

The things that jumps out to me isn't that you threw a hat at him in anger/frustration, it's that he regularly goes off on 2 or 3 day sulks after an argument. And his behaviour on this holiday of just leaving you all day, with all the DC, and no way to contact him - well it's unforgivable isn't it.

I hope you get home safely.

Yes, people tend to stop having kids when they know the father is a twat.

This. I made enough bad choices to put Mumsnet into a spin if it had existed when I was younger. I am in my 70s now and can assure you I have very few regrets although there are some things I would do differently given another go. What I have gained from my life experience is that not everyone makes perfect calculated choices and things can start well and deteriorate - it's called maturity.

What would I do? I wouldn't have gone on a holiday abroad with 3 kids under the age of 5 in the first place, especially with flight times at such unsociable hours. We waited until ours were 5 when we resumed holidaying abroad, by which time they were more self-sufficient and able to cope better with the heat and early morning flights. Sorry, this isn't very helpful I know. I guess DH has to come back to the room at some point, and then I would try and put emotions to one side to try to salvage the remainder of the holiday and admit I was a dick for throwing something at him and hopefully he will accept that and then you can address his behaviour and make him realise that he was being an equal dick and the only way forward is to both admit your faults and move on for the sake of the kids.
Sorry, just seen your update. It seems like you did talk it out and I'm sorry for how it's ended, but I think it's been an eye-opener and wish you all the best.

Babe, I'm just sending you love. From one Mama of children with SEND to another. We've bailed out of more holidays than I care to remember, but we've been able to do it as a parenting team - that's not a boast by the way, it's empathy for you in doing this solo whilst labouring with the emotional baggage of your checked-out team mate. The stress you must be under! I can feel it from here!

I am just so sorry. The trauma is real.

Sending you all the good vibes you need for getting home safely and for whatever comes next x x x

Really sorry OP. Hope you find a way through this.
It's irrelevant now, but did you think of asking staff for help with meals? Surely they would have brought you food from the buffet in these circumstances?

It is not OTT to split up after the way he has behaved. He is worse than useless and you will be better off without him.
Maybe start a new thread in the Relationships board if you need help with how to split up.

If he’s like my ex then he’s decided once dc are here he doesn’t like being a parent. He was hands on dad for while then it’s like his battery died and he got frustrated by the impact on his life.

He used to ruin every holiday with his moods if he didn’t get enough sleep or couldn’t do his hobbies/choices.

He didn’t do 50:50 or anything close after we split. You can’t force them and dc didn’t want to live with him and his moods any more than I did. It’s very common for men to check out once they realise how hard work parenting is. He’s happy to go home because he doesn’t want to be there and doesn’t want to make sacrifices to give his dc a good holiday.

It’s physically exhausting solo parenting but mentally the load is easier without someone in your life like this.

Safe travels OP. Head over to the divorce/separation board and make sure you secure your finances so he can’t drain your accounts or run up debts.

But this assumes he was a twat before either the second or third child. Remember there is a 3 year gap between the second and third child when everything might have been fine- we don’t know. But I have seen men change hugely in a short time, because they have had an affair, because the power dynamic has changed in the relationship once kids are involved and their partner isn’t earning. Because they hate being a dad and are shit at it. Or they have their own mental health issues which become apparent at a point in time. Or because yes they always were abusive but have done a good job masking it. This is not an excuse but it does happen and suddenly you don’t know who you’re living with.

And even if he already was a twat after baby 2, do you know how difficult it would be to have an abortion if you had an accidental pregnancy as a mother of 2 young kids? Some people might be fine with it, and no judgement on them, but for others it might be impossible when you’ve got their 2 young siblings with you all day.

You are doing the right thing OP. You will get through this and one day the kids will be older and you’ll be able to take them on nice holidays which won’t be ruined by this awful man.

How often do you flounce off with radio silence for a day and leave him with all of the kids? Is it around the same amount of times he does, or more? How would he/does he react when that happens?

You shouldn't have thrown something at him (which you know and have already admitted and apologised for) but completely abandoning the family like that with no communication is just staggeringly awful parenting, and it would make me worried to think about leaving him in charge of any of the kids by himself.

I agree with @Bonbontutu go to breakfast together and take it slowly. Suggest he takes the older children swimming. I’m not staying stay with a man who’s abusive but take a beat, both of you.

So you are abandoning your holiday? I think maybe have a rethink. Go to the kids club and get some help. They will be happy to be earning extra. Your children will be happy.

I hope you have a safe journey home and you are able to find some peace and happiness in your life.

Just wanted to send you my best wishes as I’ve been following this thread since the start.

I am so sorry you’ve been put through this.
Not the same, but I am a single parent to twins aged 4 (both with suspected ADHD) and going anywhere out of the house with them both is hellish as they don’t do as they’re told and run off, putting themselves and others at risk. There’s absolutely no way I’d be able to ask them to sit nicely at an AI buffet whilst I got food, let alone with a baby strapped to my chest! The supermums on here who think they could manage it are clearly better than me, and if they ever want to lend some babysitting hours I’m here 👋🏻!

I split with their Dad when they were a few months old. Despite our twins being much wanted… he wasn’t cut out for parenting and wasn’t prepared for his life to change, became snippy with me and seemed to find any excuse to not do actual parenting.

Years down the line, we are now divorced and he’s an every other weekend Disney Dad which suits him. He can have fun with them and then hand them back to me for actual parenting for 12 days… it’s not easy, but easier than it would have been to have lived in a marriage where I was essentially parenting a grown man.