AIBU to just f off back home?

[BusyMommaOf4]

Day one of a weeks holiday in Spain with DP and DC (age 4, 3 and 0)

Me and DP had an argument this morning which was in my opinion trivial but I know people are different. Basically I was stressed because the 2 older kids had been crying most of the morning as we had a late arrival and they haven’t slept enough (got to hotel at 1.30am and was up at 7.30). Wasn’t working in the hotel room trying to get them to sleep so I wanted to get them out in the pushchair. Partner suggested going to the shops and (I believe he said) then go swimming straight after. Baby was asleep so didn’t get her ready for swimming. DP was taking ages getting ready so I said I’d just walk them up and down to stop the crying. Tbf it was only a few minutes when I came back as he still wasn’t out the room as he was doing his hair. I was unreasonably annoyed, basically in a huff saying I might as well get baby ready as I was waiting for him anyway (but didn’t say that). It was just the stress of waiting around for 2 hours in the room already with them not settling. Then it was an argument over what we were doing basically. Escalated as he said that he was gonna stay in the hotel room so I was fuming because that meant me being left with all 3 kids and I genuinely can’t take them all out by myself very easily. So I got pissed off and threw a hat at him which knocked his water over (that was out of order I know). So he said he was going out before he got angry. This was 7 hours ago. He’s not responding to messages etc so no clue where he is. He’s probably just in the hotel bar. But I’ve had this before where he takes days to calm down regardless of whether I apologise etc. Yes it was my fault but it this a normal reaction?! I can’t stay on holiday like this. There is literally no point me being here because I haven’t been able to take the kids swimming or anywhere really today. Had a walk to the shops (2 in a pushchair whilst wearing a baby carrier. 4 year old is autistic which is why he needs a pushchair for safety) so only a small walk. Got some food etc to cook as I don’t see how I can go to the restaurant with all of them as I can’t leave them at the table. We’re all inclusive and haven’t brought enough money to keep buying food as didn’t think that was going to be needed.
A friend has said she’ll lend me the money for flights home if I want to go tomorrow. AIBU if I do that and just leave him here? I will let him know but he’s not replying to anything even me asking if he was coming back so I could get the kids some food which I think is out of order. Hence the walk to the shops. So I have no clue when he’ll be back. What would you do?

Me too. Poor bairns. Mam and Dad yelling at each other, Dad pisses off and Mam's having a meltdown or Mam has a meltdown and Dad pisses off.
Six of one half a dozen of the other.
Poor bairns.
The op and her dh should be ashamed. The pair of them.

Given the cost and challange of flying home early alone with the children, and how tired you all were (and I hope you have managed some sleep), I’d be inclined to try and salvage the rest of the holiday in some form then consider splitting up when home.

If he comes back later tonight, which seems the most likely outcome, he can at least help you get the children fed in the morning and you can take it in turns to have time out between meals which you do need to do together. Divide and conquer to try and get some enjoyment out of as many separate activities with each of the children as possible just to get through until the end of the stay or a rearranged joint journey home.

It’s likely to gradually get easier as he emerges from his sulk at least on a practical, survival level and you may be able to give the little ones some sort of fun before coming home and facing the future.

Does this sound doable as a plan? Brace yourself, harden yourself and don’t engage in anything but giving the children as much fun as possible together. Fake the fun for them at this point until a controlled exit can be made.

The long term stuff about his utter wankbadgery behaviour can be dealt with at home when you formalise the break up. It’s amazing what hidden strength one can find as a mum to make the most of a difficult situation together through necessity. . You can do this.

long term, you don’t have to be with this prince amongst men but short term you need to survive this holiday or at the very least, travel home together, safely. Then you can batten down the hatches in your own territory where you and the children are safe and familiar to work on practical, manageable arrangements for your break up.

It sounds like you often, when tired, fly off the handle and become irritable with DH.
Your post sounds like you still have not had a breath. Your apology was not guenuine.

It is no more your DH's fault that the children were tired and cranky than it was yours. Do you have form for being impatient with HD when the children are causing you angst? Children sense your mood. DH escapes your mood.

Try next time behaving calmly in the storm, speaking calmly to DH. Delegating him tasks, or children calmly and proceeding as if you are wearing earmuffs to the kids' grizzling. Work as a respectful team. DH should try using a non silent treatment to recover (if you can cease attacking).

Have some make up hugs and a nice holiday.
Ask DH to take all children for breakfast until 10:00 am tomorrow.

I can understand all the replies saying 'try to salvage the holiday' but I don't feel this sounds like the best idea for @BusyMommaOf4. She knows her selfish prat of a husband will sulk for at least half the week, and then he may throw another strop - leaving her alone with her kids for the entire trip.

She's already said they'll have a better holiday at home, where everything's set up for the children and they can do fun things with her supervision. This is NOT the same as trying to organise three meals a day from a buffet and keeping all the children safe around a crowded pool.

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. It has highlighted your husband's priorities. In light of that, it does seem you'd be better off without him and his moods. I hope you can get yourselves home without too much more hassle, and then enjoy a comparatively peaceful five days at home

When he returns maybe he can have the kids for a day and you can disappear off and not answer your phone

presumably he will have to come
back to the room at some point? I think as soon as he appears I would take off for the day and leave him with the kids. He might be more amenable to communicating then. The silence thing is bordering on abusive. I think I would have to end things with him. I would definitely go and find him tomorrow. Can you track his phone. Dump kids with him and leave him to it. Enjoy a break yourself . I’d try not to go home. Besides anything you will have to pay your friend back at some stage

If you’d do that under these circumstances you’re as bad as him then aren’t you?

Hang on. Mum and dad yelling at each other? How about dad arsing around then decides to cancel himself from the family going out? The ops explained how hard it would be on her own and swimming with 3 that age is not possible, so what the fuck was she supposed to do? You need to rewrite that as the dad effectively told the mum to fuck off with the fucking holiday she’s on her fucking own to have a miserable time, and she got mad, because no shit. I’d be mad too.

I'm not sure you'll manage travelling back alone if you can't manage a restaurant in the hotel. My advice is to get on with your holiday let him sulk. Get some sleep. You are all tired and emotional. Get up in the morning. Go for breakfast and head to the pool

To be honest with you, I think deep down you know what the answer is

fair enough it was only a hat you threw at him, quite possibly not capable of causing serious harm. But you must surely realise you crossed a line, you were raging and unable to see straight. It doesn’t seem like the holiday and stress of all the kids is great for you right now, everything is taking a toll. You need to go home, get some family support and just try to mellow out and clear your head? I think at the melting point and no good will come of staying

Effectively you are having to act as a single parent on this holiday with 3 children, one of whom has special needs, which is adding to your stress.

As you have said, you wouldn't have gone on the holiday, or this type of holiday if you had known you would have to do everything on your own. If you are sure you can't get help from the hotel staff at the buffet, and get the children into a pattern of eating in the restaurant, then I don't see you have much choice other than to go home, if you can't cope with the set up.

I wouldn't report your husband as missing if you think he is just being a sulking selfish man child. The moment you involve the police everything will escalate further. it seems to me that your husband takes perverse pleasure in not helping with the children as a punishment for you criticising him for hot helping enough/ taking too long to get ready when you were stressed, and he uses the very unhelpful silent treatment to add to your stress.

Even if he turns up tomorrow, this particular holiday is ruined, and quite frankly it establishes an undesirable pattern of immature behaviour on both your parts .

I think you both need some relationship counselling when you return to break this unhelpful pattern, assuming it is a pattern. And for future holidays while your children are so much work , maybe go self catering where you can control the travelling times better and will have some more space to relax and can get the children into a routine. All inclusive package deals may not be the most relaxing way for you to holiday while your children are so young, .

I’m so sorry OP at the replies you’ve had here. 3 under 5 is tough, I don’t think anyone’s even realised you might not actually be able to go swimming because of the ratio so it’s not that easy to just get on with it!

sadly however, I don’t think the holiday relationship is salvageable. He’s abandoned you and now making sure you are punished. You don’t need this. I’d go home and start making plans for life without him.

I can't believe how mean people are to you on here OP. I hope he comes back soon and you sort it all wether going home or staying. Sorry your DH has treated you like this.

This is possibly the oddest response I have ever read on Mumsnet . Are you a bot or living in 1948? She doesn’t have to behave like an angel in case he decides to disappear into a strop. She threw a baby’s swim hat. Not great but hardly crime of the century. And anyway the children still need looking after so he is now completely in the wrong IMO

His response is entirely disproportionate. And so is yours. He is an abuser. he controls her with his moods, it is immature and embarrassing at best , cruel and manipulative at worst. How is she supposed to be the best mum she can be now with days of no sleep and support? You should be applauding her not criticising her.

I can't believe he didn't come back! Has he gone this before? Abandoning his children like this is unforgivable. I would be going home without him or children though. Leave him to parent for once.

As others have said it was always going to be exceptionally difficult taking 3 children those ages/SEN on holiday to a busy AI in August, especially with those flight times. Definitely a lesson learnt for next time - do a self catering villa / cottage.
Personally I wouldn't fly home unless you are pretty wealthy as the cost of 4 new last minute flights will be high (i know the friend is paying but presumably she will need paying back, it could be a lot of money??)
The hotel can help at the restaurant, and hopefully your hubby comes back soon (as others have said, what a sick!)

I'd book flights home and file for divorce when I landed. I don't think this relationship is healthy for either of you but abandoning you with the kids abroad and not communicating would be the final nail in the coffin for me.

Probably the usual band of men that crawl over threads like this to give the OP shit for being a woman.

Go home and call a solicitor because this isn't reasonable or kind behaviour from him. Silent treatment is abusive. Leaving you all day like this isn't ok. Is this really the man you want to be with?

Im sorry OP that’s so stressful. I’m another team stick it out for a day or 2- you’ve paid for it and the kids will get until the swing of I always find it takes a few days to find your holiday groove with little kids.
ignore your husband. Make plans for leaving him when you get home. I’m sorry he’s such an arse.

This ^^

Hope you are enjoying some freshly cooked pastries now while you decide what to do next.

Given the number of good replies already, feeding it into ChatGPT feels like a waste of natural resources.

So he returned at midnight. I couldn’t settle for ages. Then he woke me up at 5.30 packing and saying he’s going then if I’m booking flights. Said that he didn’t have his phone with him so didn’t see my messages. Apparently it was under the sofa bed. To me that’s worse that he didn’t think to come back in the 12 hours he was gone to get his phone. We are both calm now but still going. He’s taking the luggage. I’m taking the kids. Going separately.

Does he have any remorse at all about leaving his children to struggle?

In the kindest way, what are any of you gaining from this holiday? The kids won’t remember it, they’re just dealing with stressed out parents arguing which will make them feel tense, they’re also knackered after a late flight and adjusting to new surroundings. Honestly wouldn’t bother taking such small children abroad, particularly when there’s 3 of them and the eldest has autism.

That aside, since you’re there now… I think you’re both stressed and knackered and things got out of hand. It happens with all parents of small children at points, they are naturally stress inducing. I’d see if you can work things out first before flouncing off home.

Cross post, just seen your update, I think you’re both being a little bit OTT but again, maybe leave the holidays till the kids are older.