AIBU to just f off back home?

[BusyMommaOf4]

Day one of a weeks holiday in Spain with DP and DC (age 4, 3 and 0)

Me and DP had an argument this morning which was in my opinion trivial but I know people are different. Basically I was stressed because the 2 older kids had been crying most of the morning as we had a late arrival and they haven’t slept enough (got to hotel at 1.30am and was up at 7.30). Wasn’t working in the hotel room trying to get them to sleep so I wanted to get them out in the pushchair. Partner suggested going to the shops and (I believe he said) then go swimming straight after. Baby was asleep so didn’t get her ready for swimming. DP was taking ages getting ready so I said I’d just walk them up and down to stop the crying. Tbf it was only a few minutes when I came back as he still wasn’t out the room as he was doing his hair. I was unreasonably annoyed, basically in a huff saying I might as well get baby ready as I was waiting for him anyway (but didn’t say that). It was just the stress of waiting around for 2 hours in the room already with them not settling. Then it was an argument over what we were doing basically. Escalated as he said that he was gonna stay in the hotel room so I was fuming because that meant me being left with all 3 kids and I genuinely can’t take them all out by myself very easily. So I got pissed off and threw a hat at him which knocked his water over (that was out of order I know). So he said he was going out before he got angry. This was 7 hours ago. He’s not responding to messages etc so no clue where he is. He’s probably just in the hotel bar. But I’ve had this before where he takes days to calm down regardless of whether I apologise etc. Yes it was my fault but it this a normal reaction?! I can’t stay on holiday like this. There is literally no point me being here because I haven’t been able to take the kids swimming or anywhere really today. Had a walk to the shops (2 in a pushchair whilst wearing a baby carrier. 4 year old is autistic which is why he needs a pushchair for safety) so only a small walk. Got some food etc to cook as I don’t see how I can go to the restaurant with all of them as I can’t leave them at the table. We’re all inclusive and haven’t brought enough money to keep buying food as didn’t think that was going to be needed.
A friend has said she’ll lend me the money for flights home if I want to go tomorrow. AIBU if I do that and just leave him here? I will let him know but he’s not replying to anything even me asking if he was coming back so I could get the kids some food which I think is out of order. Hence the walk to the shops. So I have no clue when he’ll be back. What would you do?

Sounds like you were both tired and stressed after travelling and little sleep with 3 very young children. The difference is you have continued to look after your children alone where he has thrown a tantrum and disappeared for a full day! What man leaves his wife and kids alone on holiday like that. He's a nasty bastard who is trying to manipulate you. When you get back you seriously need to consider leaving this man child

Leave him as soon as you can UK.

Bless you OP this sounds so tough, I really don’t blame you at all. I went away all INC with my 1 year old and it was so HARD. I had to push the pram one handed round the dinner hall load her food then put it down then go back for mine then I was trapped at the table whilst she was in the highchair and she was having melt downs I think from the sensory side of it. No way I could do it with 3 kids sooo stressful. Their dad is an arse hole to leave you like that especially knowing how hard it is. How dare he! Hat throw or not, Jesus Christ he is useless no wonder you lost it. I don’t know who wouldn’t!! These people on their high horse ignore pls. You do what’s best for you, sod him.

It has always been me that’s pissed him off but I don’t know why it takes so long for him to calm down.

Because it suits him. The longer he can pretend to be in a huff after a manufactured problem, the longer he dumps all the child care on you. He's an utterly selfish arsehole.

@BusyMommaOf4 I'm really sorry you are experiencing this, my heart goes out to you.

I have written this on the assumption he is Dad to the kids.

You’re not being unreasonable. You’re overwhelmed, sleep‑deprived, managing three children including a baby and an autistic 4‑year‑old, in a hotel room after a late arrival, and your partner has simply… opted out.

A few things stand out:

1. You were stressed, not abusive. You were juggling crying kids, a baby asleep, a partner faffing with his hair for ages, and plans changing. You snapped and threw a hat - not great, but it wasn’t violent or dangerous. It was frustration. You apologised. That should have been the end of it.
2. His reaction is wildly disproportionate. Seven hours of disappearing, ignoring messages, refusing to tell you when he’s coming back, leaving you unable to feed the kids because you can’t get to the restaurant alone? That’s not “cooling off”. That’s punishing you. And you say he does this for days sometimes. That’s not normal conflict resolution - that’s stonewalling, and it’s a form of emotional control.
3. He left you with three children abroad. You’re in a foreign country, with limited money, no ability to get food, and no support. He knows this. He still walked out. That’s not a partner having a sulk. That’s someone who is comfortable abandoning you when things get hard and its controlling, leaving you to deal with the pressures whilst he swans off.
4. You’re doing everything. He’s doing nothing. You’re the one:

• settling the kids
• walking them around
• cooking
• managing the baby
• trying to keep the holiday afloat

He’s the one:

• doing his hair
• changing plans
• withdrawing
• disappearing for hours

This isn’t a “both sides” situation. Leaving early wouldn’t be unreasonable. If he’s not engaging, not helping, and not even communicating, then what holiday is this? You’re essentially solo‑parenting abroad. If your friend can help you get home and you feel safer, calmer, and more able to cope there, that’s a perfectly valid choice.

But before you book anything, consider:

• Is he likely to escalate if you leave?
• Will he accuse you of “ruining the holiday”?
• Will he use this as another reason to withdraw for days?

If you do leave, make sure you message him clearly: “I’m taking the kids home because you’ve left us without support or communication for seven hours. I can’t manage them alone abroad. We’ll talk when we’re back.” You don’t need his permission. You just need to keep yourself and the kids safe and fed. Do not leave any of the kids with him, he will weaponize it and he cannot be trusted.

I said this earlier but the bigger issue is his pattern. You’ve said he:

• disappears for days after arguments
• leaves you to cope alone
• withdraws instead of resolving conflict

That’s not sustainable in a relationship with three young children. This holiday is just exposing what’s already there and I suspect he instigates this so he gets free time and leaves you with the stress.

It would annoy me that he gets a child free holiday but don't leave the kids behind, he is not trustworthy and he will use it against you.

I think you shoudl be reconsidering the relationship, this is not accidental, he sets you off with his avoidance, winds you up, and then storms off saying its all you. He is trying to control you and seems to be succeeding. Is this really what you want your kids to grow up believeing is OK?

You are in a tough situation of his making and don't let him convince you any differently.

Look at the pattern you have painted for us. He doesn’t “lose his temper”. He withdraws strategically having wound you up. Some men don’t shout, slam doors, or throw things. They punish by vanishing. It gives them:

• free time
• zero responsibility
• the moral high ground (“I’m calming down”)
• you doing all the childcare
• you apologising, placating, walking on eggshells
• you feeling guilty and responsible for “fixing” things

It’s a very effective control tactic because it looks like sulking rather than aggression. But the impact is the same: you’re left holding the entire load while he gets a break.

The timing is suspiciously convenient.
He didn’t disappear:

• when the kids were asleep
• when things were calm
• when you were both relaxed

He disappeared when the situation was at its hardest:

• three tired children
• baby asleep
• autistic 4‑year‑old needing safety
• you exhausted
• you unable to access food
• abroad with limited money
• no support

That’s not someone overwhelmed. That’s someone who knows exactly what happens when he walks out. You cope. He doesn’t have to. He is a leech.

He is stonewalling you by shutting down, withdrawing, refuses to communicate, and leaves the you in emotional limbo and practical abandonment and he is also Passive-Aggressively punishing you. He engineers chaos to punish and abandon you and that is a mild form of coercive control.

No idea if this would be feasible, but if you aren't too far away flight time wise, is there anyone who could fly out just to help you get home? Your DP has behaved appallingly, I would be absolutely furious at his neglect of his children, regardless of anything else. He knew you would struggle to even get them fed, let alone entertain them, and that is unforgivable.
You can request airline assistance for any reason at all, and they have to honour the request, so you should be able to navigate the airport if you have to. It'll be easier at home in your usual surroundings I imagine.
Do you have a support system at home? I know it's easier said than done, but you do need to give serious consideration to your future, and that of the children, as soon as you are safely back in your own home.

Sounds absolutely miserable, if it’s still the same in the morning I’d book to go home and make plans to separate.

Oh sack him off. Honestly! I’ve got the ick even!

If it was me there would be no coming back from this whatsoever. If I ever had to leave a holiday early due to DHs behaviour, it would be the end of the marriage

Feel for you but I am incredulous that you decided to do this trip in the first place. That is so much pressure with two hands on parents, let alone for one who has form for not mucking in. Please take this as a learning experience, keep it simple, go somewhere kid friendly in the UK. They don’t remember holidays at that age, there’s plenty of time for holidays abroad when they get older. Seek out kids clubs and creches in the meantime.

I would go home yes.
it won't be mucb of a holiday for you or the children.
My dh is a serial faffer. He is the only person I know that has to get up at 7 to be out at 11 and still have to be told to hurry up because he faffs about. He gets me absolutely bubbling with rage because it blows my mind how I can I get up, feed the dogs, let them out, get myself & ds (3) fed / washed / changed, nappy bag packed & house tidied and still be ready before him.

OP, after my earlier response I'm coming on here again having read all the subsequent replies and I'm going to repeat - I cannot believe just how many people are blaming and/or judging you!

One thing I wanted to add, that I hope you'll see in the morning, is that if you do go home, you must not leave behind anything you don't want to lose forever. Your OH will not be able to bring all of your luggage back with his one seat and one person's baggage allowance - regardless of the fact that originally there were supposed to be 5 of you travelling together. He will get charged significant excess baggage. Even if you think you can trust him to pay that and bring the bags despite it, the other point is depending how much luggage you actually had, it may be impossible for him to manage it all (even without the kids in tow). So yes, I appreciate you won't be able to manage everything but prioritise what you pack - leave behind the cheapest/ oldest clothes and shoes (and to be honest, most of the kids' clothes as they're cheaper to replace and they'll grow out of them soon anyway!)

Others have given good advice about how to juggle things at the buffet to have some chance of getting some food - I would think there'll be the odd staff member to help you but as another PP said, you can't rely on an army of people who will so take the advice of the PP who mentioned getting pastries in a nappy sack, that seems more likely to lead to success, to me.

And I wish you well, OP. Everything crossed for a miracle and the absolute t0sser who is the father of your children, waking up and smelling the coffee and realising what an arse he's been, and at least attempting to make it up to you (all).

@BusyMommaOf4 if book a flight for the morning op . I’d also be re thinking staying with this man long term . He deliberately started this so he could go out and leave you to struggle . Knowing he would ruin the full week for you and the kids. .
Go home I stead of struggling . Take your friends help

Hi OP,

I hope you're ok, it sounds awful. Honestly I would not do anything rash. Myself and DH have had some clangers on holiday. See how tomorrow goes.

If you do manage to salvage the holiday I think you need to really commit afterwards to changing your relationship. You can't put each other through this sort of stuff again.

Yes op you must spend the rest of your life treading on egg shells hoping you don’t piss him off too much so he doesn’t speak to you for days on end.

Would be a shame if his passport went missing before you left 😉

Not much of a holiday. Why on earth anyone thinks taking young children abroad to a really hot country, with all the stuff they need and flights and so on is a good idea is beyond me. I did it with 3 kids ages 8,3 and 4 months and my DH got stroppy too and I decided not again until they were older. Then we decided to cruise as no hassle. Not much help to you, maybe tomorrow will be better?

Op I just wanted to add, I’ve spent many a holiday/event wondering if ex would
come back, what I did to deserve the silent treatment, and then somehow being manipulated into believing that it was me who was doing the ignoring because i’d gone quite after begging to be spoke too.

Honestly it’s left me a shell of who I was, I now believe he did it on purpose to get attention; he was pissed off I was enjoying myself, it made him feel
powerful to have so much control over another persons well being, he also got to be the hero when he decided I had suffered enough and all was forgiven.

God, what a nightmare. He’ll be in a right state when he does finally return no doubt.

He's using this as an excuse to have a great holiday on his own, he's probably at the beach or in some bar. I expect he will string this out for at least half the holiday so that he can enjoy himself.

And I think he had every intention of doing this.

Him pissing off for an hour or so would be one thing, but this long is simply unfair. If he does come back tonight inform him that you will be out on your own for the day and he can deal with it.

Well it’s a good job us women don’t throw our toys out, stomp off, go silent, disappear and basically relinquish all responsibility!! What the fuck has happened to these men? They are worse than kids. Endless stories of silence etc it’s seriously very worrying.

oh gosh op - I really feel for you.

if I was holidaying and saw you struggling I'd offer to help watch the kids at meal times or load up plates. I don't know if you'd feel comfortable speaking to the hotel and see if you can get assistance.

I also agree with the idea of seeing if someone else can fly out to you, to help you get through the week or help you get back. is this an option.

I'm hoping this man child appears so your not left alone with the kids but the minute your back on home soil is better leaving him.

I’m so sorry OP you’re going through it. I know everyone is telling you to leave him but I’m sure it’s not an easy decision to make with 3 children. I hope you find the strength to leave this abusive relationship though, sometimes it just takes time.

as for food, every hotel does the room service so maybe your AI covers that if you pay service fee? That’s what we usually do for breakfast if we can’t be bothered to go to the Buffett with the little ones.