AIBU to just f off back home?

[BusyMommaOf4]

Day one of a weeks holiday in Spain with DP and DC (age 4, 3 and 0)

Me and DP had an argument this morning which was in my opinion trivial but I know people are different. Basically I was stressed because the 2 older kids had been crying most of the morning as we had a late arrival and they haven’t slept enough (got to hotel at 1.30am and was up at 7.30). Wasn’t working in the hotel room trying to get them to sleep so I wanted to get them out in the pushchair. Partner suggested going to the shops and (I believe he said) then go swimming straight after. Baby was asleep so didn’t get her ready for swimming. DP was taking ages getting ready so I said I’d just walk them up and down to stop the crying. Tbf it was only a few minutes when I came back as he still wasn’t out the room as he was doing his hair. I was unreasonably annoyed, basically in a huff saying I might as well get baby ready as I was waiting for him anyway (but didn’t say that). It was just the stress of waiting around for 2 hours in the room already with them not settling. Then it was an argument over what we were doing basically. Escalated as he said that he was gonna stay in the hotel room so I was fuming because that meant me being left with all 3 kids and I genuinely can’t take them all out by myself very easily. So I got pissed off and threw a hat at him which knocked his water over (that was out of order I know). So he said he was going out before he got angry. This was 7 hours ago. He’s not responding to messages etc so no clue where he is. He’s probably just in the hotel bar. But I’ve had this before where he takes days to calm down regardless of whether I apologise etc. Yes it was my fault but it this a normal reaction?! I can’t stay on holiday like this. There is literally no point me being here because I haven’t been able to take the kids swimming or anywhere really today. Had a walk to the shops (2 in a pushchair whilst wearing a baby carrier. 4 year old is autistic which is why he needs a pushchair for safety) so only a small walk. Got some food etc to cook as I don’t see how I can go to the restaurant with all of them as I can’t leave them at the table. We’re all inclusive and haven’t brought enough money to keep buying food as didn’t think that was going to be needed.
A friend has said she’ll lend me the money for flights home if I want to go tomorrow. AIBU if I do that and just leave him here? I will let him know but he’s not replying to anything even me asking if he was coming back so I could get the kids some food which I think is out of order. Hence the walk to the shops. So I have no clue when he’ll be back. What would you do?

This person can be with you and you can supervise them. Just another pair of hands.

Op, there are a lot of dicks on this thread who seem intent on dragging you down further. Ignore them. They have no idea of your situation. Personally, I would give it until morning and then leave if he’s not returned. Depending on his mood, I might also leave if he’s does return. He needs a wake up moment and to understand you mean business. Awful man child.

Ah man, I really feel for you OP. Holidays with small children are stressful anyway, in the very best of circumstances. Heightened emotions, high expectations. It sounds like he was being a dick. You are over tired, overwhelmed. That he's buggered off and left you all day without a thought as to how you can manage to feel and care for your children is unforgivable. Have his wanky sulk when the kids are in bed!

In your position I would stay - change of scenery for the kids. I would try and make the juggle of food and care work. I would not allow your DH to call the shots from this moment on. You need to talk to each other without the sulks - and when you get home you need counselling.

Why on Earth would you take 3 difficult young children abroad? Just why?

What a sham of a relationship. Whether you go home or not let’s be honest it’s over. I hope your employment and RL support is good.

Some of these replies are awful. I don’t believe them and neither should you. You have done really well in awful circumstances today. Sometimes getting three children and yourself to bed is the absolute biggest win 🏅.

Take stock tomorrow. Xx

I'm so sorry for you 😞 mine are older now but at one point I had the exact same as you, a 4 year old who was autistic, a 2 year old and a baby. If you feel confident enough to fly on your own with the 3 of them (I wouldn't have been brave enough!) I would just go home, doesn't sounds like this is salvageable.

It would honestly be making me question my marriage though if I had to go to that extreme.

Sorry you’re having such a shitty time. Rather than spend the money on flight changing why not see if you can rent another room and split the kids and then both take responsibility for the rest of the holiday including childcare but not together and then have a serious look at your relationship when you’re home?
leaving you alone for a whole day/ night on holiday with your babies and a child with extra needs is unforgivable, particularly as he has history of being a sulker (silent punisher)
how unkind to his children.
you will find later down the line that shared custody might give you the respite you need.

Stop making OP feel bad about needing help with 3 kids!! It’s great that some of you are super mums that can handle 19 kids and still have a spare hand for a cocktail. We’re not all the same. She’s clearly struggling. She knows she did wrong by throwing things and has owned it. Doesn’t mean it’s ok for husband to eff off in a hissy fit and leave her on her own in a different country. I hope he comes back op and you get to enjoy the rest of your holiday.

I’d be absolutely livid and the relationship would be over. What a fucking twat

Take no notice of people trying to get their kicks out of putting you down. My youngest is autistic, I really do not know how I'd cope if I had him and a toddler and a baby. It's hard enough with having 2 older ones who I can take my eye off and know they won't come to any harm.

Honestly, I knew it's not ideal, but I'd strap the two youngest ones in a pushchair by a table as close to the buffet area as possible, find then something to watch on my phone and then go and get food with just baby in sling, take the plates back and repeat. If you are lucky with a table, they won't be out of your sight at all.

Not ideal, but better than some crazy juggling act which probably involves dropping food over them.

OP, he's behaved appallingly blowing an argument out of all proportion, but I'd stay and try to find a way to make it work. Things always feel stressful at the beginning of a holiday even without arguments and abandonment, but see how you feel when you've slept and you find your feet a little. Then start divorce proceedings when you get back.

You are a super mum already. You can do this.

Sending moral support - you sound an amazing parent, very strong, and very capable. You're not overreacting at all.

If you would be happier and things would be easier at home, then go home.

If you're getting breakfast tomorrow - are there any hotel staff who could bring your breakfast to the table?

Please LTB OP you’d do a better job parenting alone without the stress he brings you!

@Becuriousnotjudgemental1980 absolutely no one is trying to make her feel bad! But it’s happened, he’s behaved badly and the children need looking after. She doesn’t feel confident to do it, but to be blunt she’s going to have to, especially if she rightly leaves this relationship. Once she realises she CAN do it it will hopefully make her more confident to leave him.

Exactly

Oh love, I didn’t want to read and run. This sounds really, really hard and he sounds like an idiot. Don’t get wound up by people on here.
It sounds like you know what the best thing is for you and the kids.

I hope you’re doing okay OP and you managed to get some food. I have two dc with asd and adhd and both required 1:1 support in their specialist schools so I know how hard it can be. Do you have a short flight home? If so, I’d be tempted to go home if your husband doesn’t show up because at least you’d be able to do things with your kids safely rather than being confined to a room. Unless they’ve got a kids club that your NT kids could go to?

There’s always tension going on holidays with kids as it is never easy especially if you’ve had a really late flight but to storm off and ignore you knowing the kids would need feeding is unacceptable.

I agree that it sounds like he has half engineered a fight to have some 'me time'. Selfish twat.

Throwing a cotton baby hat that hits a small plastic water bottle is really an act of frustration and nothing more. Not great but they are 'not as bad as each other'.

OP hope you get some sleep and I wouldn't make any decisions tonight. You're exhausted, fed up and angry (rightly so). See what tomorrow brings and do whatever feels good for you.

Sometimes the stress of just taking 3 small children away can be overwhelming. You think it will be amazing then it just isn't. I did it many times and cried a lot - and none of mine had autism. It just didn't live up to expectations.

OP, hope it works out for you. I get throwing a hat at an irritating man.

Yeah, I realised that. It was more about not showing her husband that it upsets her.
I wonder if there's any kids clubs there too? Help with the number of children for one person to look after for a couple hours so she can help her 1 to 1.

Edited - see creche already been mentioned. Cool.

Breakfast in the morning - take a nappy sack with you, baby in the carrier, other 2 in the buggy. Use the nappy sack to put pastries/anything dry in and hang it over your wrist. Grab a couple of plates on your way back to the table. That way all kids are contained and no one can escape and you can get something to eat for all of you. I’m sure after seeing you do this, someone will offer some help anyway, but if they don’t you know you can get you and the kids fed. Either that or just suck it up and ask another family for help, I would help anyone in this situation without a second thought.

during the day, is there a play park/splash pad at the hotel? Just thinking you could take all 3 but only allow one out of the buggy at a time so the other two are either strapped to you or the buggy? Take a walk around the local area, along the beach front paths if you have access to any?

I agree it doesn’t sound like much fun or what you imagined but I’m a stubborn person and I would not be letting my husband ruin my holiday like this. Yours sounds like he would get a kick out of knowing and seeing you struggle so show him it’s not bothering you (even if it is) and leave him to it. If it hasn’t improved in a couple of days, then book a flight home and accidentally take his passport with you.

Sounds dramatic, but with all these people telling you to leave him, if that’s something you are considering you will have all 3 kids by yourself all the time so a couple of days is a good test run to prove to yourself you can do it! - which you absolutely can! Give yourself some credit you have done it today, you can do it again with a little bit of planning.

This.
Sometimes you need to get away to calm down but to ignore your messages about the kids dinner is absolutely shocking.

Hi OP, sending sympathy and hope you all manage some sleep tonight, you must be exhausted both physically and emotionally.

I’m sure it will already have been suggested but you mentioned that your partner is a hands on dad usually. Is it salvageable for the next few days until he returns to baseline that you split who is taking what children? Why should you take the brunt of parenting all 3 whether it’s on holiday or getting the plane home? And why should he get a holiday to himself, he absolutely doesn’t deserve it.

Of course he may not ‘want’ to do that but why should he get the option! If he is still ignoring you in the morning, just get up and ready with who you are taking out and leave him to it? Or as others suggested - head out by yourself for a coffee and let him be the main parent for a bit. Perhaps might not be long until he is messaging you!! So angry on your behalf and hope tomorrow is a better day. X