AIBU to just f off back home?

[BusyMommaOf4]

Day one of a weeks holiday in Spain with DP and DC (age 4, 3 and 0)

Me and DP had an argument this morning which was in my opinion trivial but I know people are different. Basically I was stressed because the 2 older kids had been crying most of the morning as we had a late arrival and they haven’t slept enough (got to hotel at 1.30am and was up at 7.30). Wasn’t working in the hotel room trying to get them to sleep so I wanted to get them out in the pushchair. Partner suggested going to the shops and (I believe he said) then go swimming straight after. Baby was asleep so didn’t get her ready for swimming. DP was taking ages getting ready so I said I’d just walk them up and down to stop the crying. Tbf it was only a few minutes when I came back as he still wasn’t out the room as he was doing his hair. I was unreasonably annoyed, basically in a huff saying I might as well get baby ready as I was waiting for him anyway (but didn’t say that). It was just the stress of waiting around for 2 hours in the room already with them not settling. Then it was an argument over what we were doing basically. Escalated as he said that he was gonna stay in the hotel room so I was fuming because that meant me being left with all 3 kids and I genuinely can’t take them all out by myself very easily. So I got pissed off and threw a hat at him which knocked his water over (that was out of order I know). So he said he was going out before he got angry. This was 7 hours ago. He’s not responding to messages etc so no clue where he is. He’s probably just in the hotel bar. But I’ve had this before where he takes days to calm down regardless of whether I apologise etc. Yes it was my fault but it this a normal reaction?! I can’t stay on holiday like this. There is literally no point me being here because I haven’t been able to take the kids swimming or anywhere really today. Had a walk to the shops (2 in a pushchair whilst wearing a baby carrier. 4 year old is autistic which is why he needs a pushchair for safety) so only a small walk. Got some food etc to cook as I don’t see how I can go to the restaurant with all of them as I can’t leave them at the table. We’re all inclusive and haven’t brought enough money to keep buying food as didn’t think that was going to be needed.
A friend has said she’ll lend me the money for flights home if I want to go tomorrow. AIBU if I do that and just leave him here? I will let him know but he’s not replying to anything even me asking if he was coming back so I could get the kids some food which I think is out of order. Hence the walk to the shops. So I have no clue when he’ll be back. What would you do?

Again you just must be a better parent than me. I struggle to push the buggy with just one hand. Maybe if they were younger. But my 4 year old is actually nearly 5 and my 4 year old is a big boy, same size as my other. So they’re big boys, not easy to manoeuvre. Or maybe I’m just weak. Could my 3 year old walk instead….. maybe. But he gets a bit silly sometimes and carried away. And it’s summer holidays, it’s busy! Maybe I’m just too stressy but I would never put myself through this. Happy for you that you can do it so easily. No need to keep saying that though. Well done you. But again unless you’re willing to come and help me do it, not helpful.

I'm a single parent.

Never felt MORE single than the one time I took my then 3yo to an AI holiday.

Thought it would be easy. Reality was kid was clingy and literally wouldn't be put down for the first two days (big and heavy in the heat!)

I had to carry him and a rucksack while dragging the suitcase to find the room in the first place (3*, not the sort of place with bell hops or whatever helpful people with trolleys you might get in a fancier place).

At the buffet on the first night, he refused to be put down again because it was overwhelming so I had to carry him and try to hold a plate and get his food on it one-handed. Eventually managed this, thought I was winning, put his plate down on our table, went back to repeat one-handed process for MY food.

To return to the table and see the first plate had been cleared away, because obviously nobody leaves a lone plate unattended so it must be finished with despite being full.

Honestly I almost cried.

I'm sure there WERE other single parents in the world but at that time in that restaurant it really didn't feel like it.

Of course it got better, I worked out to take a spare item of clothing to "bagsy" a table, by day two he let me put him down, by day three he would stay at the table by himself as long as he could see me at the buffet etc.

But what there wasn't was a kindly army of ex-pat grandmothers waiting to offer to help me like some people on here have suggested.

I think OP will have a tough time no matter what, and I'd assume a VERY hungover arsehole incoming in the early hours. Realistically I expect she'll stay and he'll make it hell for her but the logistics of leaving solo will be too much.

Thoughts are with you op. Any word? Have you thought about reporting him or at least asking staff to see if he's in one of the bars for peace of mind?

Have you ever manoeuvred a double buggy? With a child strapped to you too?
Ive done the double buggy and its not the same as a single at all, even the lightweight ones.
Then load food onto 4 plates and carry the tray with 4 plates back to the table. With a double buggy and a child strapped to you.
Id rather go on the plane myself and be home

This is exactly what he has done.

The preening his hair and getting himself ready.. All premeditated actions.

He sounds about 18. I despair reading these posts of women being shafted by nasty, ineffectual man children. It is depressing how collectively shit they are.

Having said that, OP I would try and get a decent sleep for you and the LO's, before making the decision to leave. Though I imagine he will have a stinker of a hangover tomorrow and extend the silent treatment to suit himself.

If no apology and contrition is forthcoming upon his return, then leave if you feel you must. There is nothing easy anyone can suggest for you here. You are in a very difficult position. I wish you strength.

He is behaving disgracefully . He is a father. 50% of the caregiver to your children , his responsibility to make sure they are ok and looked after and how is treating their Mum
like this in any way good for them. The kindest thing you can do as a father is treat the mother right. He is disgusting disappearing on you, abroad whilst you have 3 children under 5 WTH! I can’t believe someone could do this it’s so immature and disproportionate.
Have you decided what to do? I don’t blame you for wanting to leave it must feel hopeless right now. All I would say is try to get some sleep and see what he says when he gets back but I would be so let down by this, it’s controlling and abusive . If you don’t behave in the exact right way to him he will skulk off and ghost you. He needs therapy asap. I hope you’re ok it sounds incredibly lonely x

FWIW if I saw you struggling in AI trying to get food I would help you. I’m sure many would. Obviously you shouldn’t have to.

Yes, I could. OP says he's usually hands on. He's perfectly capable of taking care of them and if not, he can learn just like OP had to.

At some point in certain situations we go from being victims to volunteers. OP taking the three kids out of his way does nothing other than to give him a free holiday in the sun. Fuck. That.

The sulking and silent treatment is abusive, OP. And obviously in this case not remotely proportionate to anything you supposedly did wrong. I'm sure it never is. I agree with PP that he engineered the arguement. So sorry you're going through such a stressful experience. You're doing so well just holding it together for your kids and you sound like a wonderful mother. Best wishes to you and hope you can find the least shit option to the resolve the situation.

I’ve given advice-actual lived, completely doable advice.

No you have not.

You’ve made up some random scenarios that don’t even make sense and called them advice.

Every single poster on here has given better advice than you.

What OP did was wrong but her DH is a parent and he doesn’t get to just refuse to look after his own kids.
Imagine if they both fucked off for hours.

My oldest has not long settled so I’m going to try and sleep now. It’s 10.50. Still no word from him. I’m not worrying about him being missing unless he actually doesn’t return by the time we’re up. I need some sleep as it’s a shitty day tomorrow regardless of what I do. But even if he starts speaking to me in the morning I don’t think we can fix this right now. I don’t really want to. Why would I want to continue a holiday with him now?! If he wants a solo holiday he can have it. I don’t care if that’s what he wanted. I would never want to holiday alone but each to their own. I feel lonely even though I’ve got the kids here with me.
Thanks to everyone for the support.

This isn't a thread for you to boast about how very fucking 'good' you are at parenting. Who cares, aren't you great. That's not the point. She doesn't want to lug all 3 around, she came for a holiday, she expected an involved partner. She'd rather do it at home. He'll punish her for days. What is the point in staying?

Well she might stop before she has any more.
When someone shows their true colours with one child you just don’t have any more with them.

That is not the immediate problem. The OP is not asking for advice about that.

How is she meant to go up to the buffet table to dish up with a 4, 3 and 0 year old? By herself. Please - tell me? How is she meant to carry 4 plates back alone? Of course at some point she would have to leave some at the table.

Or perhaps the other parent could I dunno, parent. Surely that's her point?

I hope you have a better day tomorrow. Whatever his argument is with you, this is totally unacceptable behavior as a father.

If you can’t manage the kids on your own at the hotel you should definitely just book a flight home.
can you rebook something else with friends or family that would be willing to help you?

Couldn't agree more. He's a twat.
I'd report him missing now OP. Why should he get a free pass to disappear until the early hours? Let the whole resort know that he abandoned his 3 small children for hours and hours and hours.

Sending love and strength OP, you can do whatever you need to , you’ve got this xx

He will be charged extra for more luggage if he brings back more than his allocation.

I hope it all works out for you one way or another OP 💐

Just to give you some support, that sounds like an incredibly difficult situation for you. I completely feel for you and can’t imagine how alone and overwhelmed you feel. I wouldn’t be willing to do theee days silence treatment etc. Unless he kicks into gear tomorrow, apologies for leaving you with zero support when he knows how tough it is, I would be on a flight home tomorrow night. Sometimes people need a genuine reality check so this continue into the future. Honestly feel awful for you, know someone is thinking of you and wishing you well even from far away

usual question from me. What does he bring to the party? And do not say oh he's a great dad.

Your husband has behaved appallingly and his use of the silent treatment is abusive so I’m not sure your relationship is going to survive. If you and the children go home tomorrow then the writing is well and truly on the wall tbh.
However, if you stay on the holiday there is still a chance that the two of you can make things work.
I understand why you feel the way you do and you might be better off without him long term, but you need to think about this very carefully before you act. After all, you have three children together.
If it was me I would make it very clear to my husband how close he had come to causing the end of his marriage - and then I would give him the opportunity to behave better before I pulled the plug.

Don’t mind the people telling you they could do it. I barely know anyone who would even try. I have 3 and 1 is autistic and he was a flyer when young. There was no way I could have done it. I think suit are right to see how tomorrow goes to figure out how best to approach going home but there is no way I could ever trust a partner again after this level of betrayal. It is inconceivable to me that a father and husband would do this.

I feel for you.. someone taking days to calm down when there are 3 little ones to look after is exhausting.
Its a babies swim hat its laughable he is using that to beable to stay away for hours because he doesn't want to deal with his own children.
Could you not get up very early in the morning get yourself ready then disappear for hours let him know how that feels .
Going home allows him to stay and relax you'd be on a plane on your own with 3 little ones would you manage.
Hubby needs to grow up and get over himself I seriously hate him.