AIBU to just f off back home?

[BusyMommaOf4]

Day one of a weeks holiday in Spain with DP and DC (age 4, 3 and 0)

Me and DP had an argument this morning which was in my opinion trivial but I know people are different. Basically I was stressed because the 2 older kids had been crying most of the morning as we had a late arrival and they haven’t slept enough (got to hotel at 1.30am and was up at 7.30). Wasn’t working in the hotel room trying to get them to sleep so I wanted to get them out in the pushchair. Partner suggested going to the shops and (I believe he said) then go swimming straight after. Baby was asleep so didn’t get her ready for swimming. DP was taking ages getting ready so I said I’d just walk them up and down to stop the crying. Tbf it was only a few minutes when I came back as he still wasn’t out the room as he was doing his hair. I was unreasonably annoyed, basically in a huff saying I might as well get baby ready as I was waiting for him anyway (but didn’t say that). It was just the stress of waiting around for 2 hours in the room already with them not settling. Then it was an argument over what we were doing basically. Escalated as he said that he was gonna stay in the hotel room so I was fuming because that meant me being left with all 3 kids and I genuinely can’t take them all out by myself very easily. So I got pissed off and threw a hat at him which knocked his water over (that was out of order I know). So he said he was going out before he got angry. This was 7 hours ago. He’s not responding to messages etc so no clue where he is. He’s probably just in the hotel bar. But I’ve had this before where he takes days to calm down regardless of whether I apologise etc. Yes it was my fault but it this a normal reaction?! I can’t stay on holiday like this. There is literally no point me being here because I haven’t been able to take the kids swimming or anywhere really today. Had a walk to the shops (2 in a pushchair whilst wearing a baby carrier. 4 year old is autistic which is why he needs a pushchair for safety) so only a small walk. Got some food etc to cook as I don’t see how I can go to the restaurant with all of them as I can’t leave them at the table. We’re all inclusive and haven’t brought enough money to keep buying food as didn’t think that was going to be needed.
A friend has said she’ll lend me the money for flights home if I want to go tomorrow. AIBU if I do that and just leave him here? I will let him know but he’s not replying to anything even me asking if he was coming back so I could get the kids some food which I think is out of order. Hence the walk to the shops. So I have no clue when he’ll be back. What would you do?

He's got this down to a fine art, hasn't he? Left you dealing with all 3 children on the plane, left you dealing with all 3 children whilst he got himself ready, manufactured an argument (or at least escalated it) and then swanned off for a day in the bar or wherever, all alone, leaving you either contemplating spending your holiday effectively alone with 3 children - or heading home with 3 children. Either way, he gets his alone time! And then gets to play the victim when he - chooses to - come back. Wow. Not even sure what to suggest here OP (apart from finding him and handing over all 3 children and then you disappearing for an equal amount of alone time - which probably isn't fair to the children!)

This sounds really really tough Op.

i don’t blame you for throwing the hat.

ive been at AI with a 3 yo and 14 month old and pregnant and husband got drunk and had a strop and I did a couple of meals solo.

i strapped baby in high chair or buggy and asked another table to watch them (i have no shame!) and either made 3 yo sit at table or ordered them to stand by me. I realise this isn’t the same as 1 less child than you and also no SEN.

good luck OP I would stay another few days before making your kind up, you are probably feeling a bit rash because of anger

2 in the buggy?

How big is the restaurant where a double buggy can fit?

Most places aren’t wide enough for a double buggy.

How are you going to hold a tray, whilst having a baby in a sling plus using your hands to push the buggy?

Where are you balancing the drinks?

I'd go home.

Even if the children lose out in a holiday at least you'll have shown him that you're not going to put up with his punishment, and you're not going to struggle while he ignores you and then end up grovelling an apology so he can take the piss while simultaneously playing the victim. He's a twat.

It was only a hat ffs. Get down off your high horse 🙄

Who’s pushing the buggy or carrying the tray? Cant do both with a double buggy

You tell your husband to get his shit together now, for the kids' sake, and he can go back to being an asshole when you get home. Then you sit down at home and have a through discussion.

She can't give them back.

Pointless question

The consequence of his actions currently is he gets to have an AI holiday for a week, by himself.

I’d go home OP. The kids won’t care about the holiday. They’re too young. Just get your stuff and go. And tell him it’s over when he finally turns up.

@tomatoplants of course you can, I’ve done it hundreds of times 😆 Honestly you are all imploring op to leave her husband, but agreeing that she can’t manage them alone for 7 hours. This seems like a very, very bad idea!

I really feel for you OP. He sounds like an absolute prick.

Sleep on it tonight and then decide in the morning whether you want to go home or not, but whatever you decide please have a serious think about whether you want to stay in this relationship.

See how you feel in the morning. Surely someone could watch your 2 in a pushchair until you grab some food. But this is probably the end of the relationship if he thinks it's OK to leave you alone to manage 3 small children. Glad your friend has offered you money to get home x

Not one bit of this was a good idea. Babies with someone that behaves this way. Another baby when you have such a high needs child. So many young children that either of you can’t manage them on your own. An August holiday in Spain requiring serious supervision and frequent reapplication of suncream.

Goodness this sounds like a lot of drama. My guess is that your husband has used the strop (throwing hat etc) as an excuse to have some me time. I think maybe start acting like adults, agree to put things aside whilst you are on holiday then have a serious talk when you are home.

He's a twat. That is all.

I imagine he arranged the argument so he could fuck off and enjoy himself.

I think it has been established that your comments and suggestions aren't relevant or helpful - regardless of what you have done or would do.

Sorry he knows exactly what he is doing. He's having a nice holiday while you are doing the childcare...all under the guise of 'being in a strop' which of course he will blame you for.
It's a nasty little game he is playing with u doing all the work and then you will be taking all the blame. So he gets away scot free and you are left reeling. You need to think seriously about him if this is his usual form.
Re the holiday: do what is easiest for you.

Can you not ring his mum and say he’s been missing all day so you’re just checking if she’s heard from him before you report him missing? If either of my sons treated my DILs like this, and I got wind of it, they’d get the bollocking of their lives, grown up with kids or not. I’d be so ashamed of them, I really would.

I wouldn’t rush into booking a flight home just yet. I’d go to see the rep first, because they can arrange the assistance you need at the airport. You wouldn’t have to queue at all, someone from the special assistance team would help you right through to the gate and then come back when it’s time to board.

If you want breakfast in the morning go to the table nearest to the buffet and park the pushchair there with the two eldest in. Quickly get what you need. There’s usually some staff members, or some other people, in the restaurant, who will keep an eye on them for 2 minutes or will help you out. You can do this. 💐

It’s different being alone with three kids (one autistic and one baby) in a foreign place though compared to home which is safe and known. They won’t have their toys and she can’t safely take them far or to the pool.

it will be hard for her to get them home - but with airport staff. Snacks and at least something to do, she has a purpose. And hopefully someone at the other end to give her a big hug and some help. At the moment she has nobody.

why should she stay there and wait for his selfish arse to come back to the room.

I do think she should report him missing though. 1) in case he is and he’s had an accident; 2) to show him up when he does return.

Are there even any seats on a flight available?

Second post nailed it

I would be booking a flight home for me and the baby and leaving him to parent two of his children. And I would be looking at divorce too. Genuinely.

Yes, really tempting.
But could you seriously leave a 3 year old and a 4 year old with special needs with an untrustworthy man?

@BusyMommaOf4 , but he has to come back to sleep surely? Could you go out in the morning with the baby leaving the two older kids with him (even if he is hungover and grumpy)?

@BertieMartini do you think it is helpful to encourage the op to fly alone with 3 small children when she can’t navigate a buffet with them? Or to encourage her to leave her husband when neither of them can parent all of their children solo? I don’t think that’s helpful at all! I’ve given advice-actual lived, completely doable advice. Some of the advice given by others is completely dangerous!

Agree.

OP my DF would do the silent treatment all the time, sometimes for days and weeks on end. As a child, it was awful, beyond awful in fact. Not knowing what was going on, why dad wasn't speaking, was it my fault...please don't hang around with this man anymore.

Stressful as it is, I'd be on a plane with all 3 kids tmrw and ignoring his texts for 24 hours. What a vile individual.