AIBU to just f off back home?

[BusyMommaOf4]

Day one of a weeks holiday in Spain with DP and DC (age 4, 3 and 0)

Me and DP had an argument this morning which was in my opinion trivial but I know people are different. Basically I was stressed because the 2 older kids had been crying most of the morning as we had a late arrival and they haven’t slept enough (got to hotel at 1.30am and was up at 7.30). Wasn’t working in the hotel room trying to get them to sleep so I wanted to get them out in the pushchair. Partner suggested going to the shops and (I believe he said) then go swimming straight after. Baby was asleep so didn’t get her ready for swimming. DP was taking ages getting ready so I said I’d just walk them up and down to stop the crying. Tbf it was only a few minutes when I came back as he still wasn’t out the room as he was doing his hair. I was unreasonably annoyed, basically in a huff saying I might as well get baby ready as I was waiting for him anyway (but didn’t say that). It was just the stress of waiting around for 2 hours in the room already with them not settling. Then it was an argument over what we were doing basically. Escalated as he said that he was gonna stay in the hotel room so I was fuming because that meant me being left with all 3 kids and I genuinely can’t take them all out by myself very easily. So I got pissed off and threw a hat at him which knocked his water over (that was out of order I know). So he said he was going out before he got angry. This was 7 hours ago. He’s not responding to messages etc so no clue where he is. He’s probably just in the hotel bar. But I’ve had this before where he takes days to calm down regardless of whether I apologise etc. Yes it was my fault but it this a normal reaction?! I can’t stay on holiday like this. There is literally no point me being here because I haven’t been able to take the kids swimming or anywhere really today. Had a walk to the shops (2 in a pushchair whilst wearing a baby carrier. 4 year old is autistic which is why he needs a pushchair for safety) so only a small walk. Got some food etc to cook as I don’t see how I can go to the restaurant with all of them as I can’t leave them at the table. We’re all inclusive and haven’t brought enough money to keep buying food as didn’t think that was going to be needed.
A friend has said she’ll lend me the money for flights home if I want to go tomorrow. AIBU if I do that and just leave him here? I will let him know but he’s not replying to anything even me asking if he was coming back so I could get the kids some food which I think is out of order. Hence the walk to the shops. So I have no clue when he’ll be back. What would you do?

He'll have to come back to the room unless he goes stay in another hotel. Try and get some rest and have a serious discussion with him tomorrow explaining that you need help with the kids and that you just want to start over and have a peaceful holiday. NEVER EVER EVER go on holiday with him again.

Who is going to arrive at a hotel abroad with 3 very young children one with special needs and just book a random strange person to look after the kids

Do you know what i would do? I would contact the hotel staff and the local police and say he's gone missing - you can't imagine that a dad of 3 small children would just leave you to struggle.

Then when he eventually turns up he will be mortified. Shame him.

And contact his family and tell them he's gone awol and for how long.

Then I'd go home and it would be over.

Yes, you didnt behave well but you were reacting to him being unhelpful and pissing around with his hair. His subsequent behavioyr has been a huge over reaction and the intermittent sulking and disappearing is abusive.

I’ve got an older child who’s not here, not sure why that’s relevant.
I really think he’s just in a bar somewhere. But I will alert the hotel staff in the morning if he hasn’t come back. He doesn’t go out loads but when he does he often doesn’t come back until like 4am. AI is until 12 though so I imagine more around 1am unless he’s met some people which is likely given how long he’s been.
I think if staff can assist in the airport that’s the best option. My only concern is security with my 4 year old although they let him stay in the pushchair coming here so hopefully Spanish staff will also be nice. The plane seats are in 3s so I sat with them all myself anyway. I’ll just have to hope that my 3 year old behaves. Luggage I’ll leave for him to bring back and just take one hand luggage bag. It’s more manageable than being stuck here

I’ve got an older child who’s not here, not sure why that’s relevant.
I really think he’s just in a bar somewhere. But I will alert the hotel staff in the morning if he hasn’t come back. He doesn’t go out loads but when he does he often doesn’t come back until like 4am. AI is until 12 though so I imagine more around 1am unless he’s met some people which is likely given how long he’s been.
I think if staff can assist in the airport that’s the best option. My only concern is security with my 4 year old although they let him stay in the pushchair coming here so hopefully Spanish staff will also be nice. The plane seats are in 3s so I sat with them all myself anyway. I’ll just have to hope that my 3 year old behaves. Luggage I’ll leave for him to bring back and just take one hand luggage bag. It’s more manageable than being stuck here

His behavior is totally unacceptable.

However I would also want to try to salvage something of a holiday for the kids.
can you hire a babysitter from the resort for tomorrow to help you with meals, see how it goes? (And maybe with pool time or other activities)?
Or if you go and explain your problem to the hotel manager they might even assign a staff member to help grab food from the buffet. All you need is someone to load the plates while you walk along with the pushchair and point at what food you want.

obviously you shouldn’t be in that position!

I can’t imagine either Dh or I behaving like this.

Is he okay? I know that you are angry but not replying to messages, leaving his young children in a foreign country, like I said I can’t imagine!

Have you apologised? Genuinely apologised, not just because you need help?

Sorry I was just wondering if the 4 in your username referred to your children and your partner that's all.

I hope you can manage to get yourself home without too much stress.
Sounds like a bloody nightmare!

Was it wise to take three children that small away on a holiday abroad? It sounds as if both parents are having difficulties with their relationship too. Holidays bring out the worst in people sometimes. All five were overtired and perhaps the heat got to them too. Things might feel better after some decent sleep.

so he’s deliberately caused an argument so he gets to strop off without the kids and holds onto the grudge so he can drink and sunbathe and have a lovely holiday without the kids having to “babysitting” them and leaving you managing them on your own!!!

he’s mastered the art!! Leave him with the kids on his own and go home or go to another hotel!!

I can't fathom how you think taking 3 kids under 5 on a plane on your own is easier than just staying in the hotel where all your food is paid for and you don't have to cook a thing. Just ask the staff to get you a plate or two of food if it is that tricky.

First day if a holiday is always stressful

I wouldn't be hanging around for him, OP. He's taking the absolute piss getting hammered in a bar somewhere. I'd be booking those morning flights and leaving his sorry arse there.

I really feel for you, OP. I was with someone who used to sink into silence for days and days and days, and it nearly broke me. I went from trying to appease and cajole to feeling complete rage that he would act in a way that was so emotionally stunted. I walked away. I didn't have children with him, so I can imagine it's 10X the stress for you. Go home. You cannot rely on him to be involved and make the holiday what you wanted it to be. Just get yourself home and try and remake your week at home into a nice time for you and the kids. And if that means being somewhere familiar with their routines do it. The airport wiill be tough but you will do it. Good luck.

Your partner is a selfish twat. From the sounds of it, he probably engineered the argument to give himself some time away from the kids. What he's done so far is awful and incredibly selfish. If he continues to ignore you for the rest of the night when he full well knows how much you'd struggle (due to SEN etc).. well, I'll be ending the relationship for sure. I'd love to see how he copes with his three kids on holiday without you.

@BusyMommaOf4 if you can't take the children to a restaurant alone (completely understandably in the circumstances) then I'm not sure how you'll manage to take them through airport security etc alone.

More importantly, why the fuck should you? He didn't even help on the plane and how he's gone off on his jollies alone.

I would be booking a flight home for me and the baby and leaving him to parent two of his children. And I would be looking at divorce too. Genuinely.

Please don't have any more children with this waste of space. Why the fuck did he need two hours to "do his hair" to go swimming? Does he often push you to your limits then play victim?

Really? A hat? Bit dramatic 🤷‍♀️

Also, a mother would never waltz out alone for hours on holiday. Maybe one or two mums may, but on the whole extremely unlikely!

There's been a fair few cunty dads on holiday recently going by these threads. So sad.

Explain exactly how she would get food and drinks for her and her children when she’s only got 2 hands?

You can’t say because you don’t know.

F

Sleep on it and see how you feel after tomorrow. It’s a shame now you’ve got yourself there not to try and salvage it. The hotel absolutely will help you get food at mealtimes. Most will also make up a packed lunch for you so you can go somewhere during the day as the pool clearly isn’t an option by yourself.
is there a play park nearby? Does the hotel have an enclosed football pitch or similar where the older 2 can run around?
would the 4 year wear a wrist strap if you’re near a beach? Pick up a couple of buckets and spades and set yourself up there, a reasonable distance away from the sea, baby in the buggy for shade.

@chocoluv one in the sling, 2 in the buggy, food on the tray…can people really, honestly not work this out?!

Sounds like he’s a nasty piece of work, selfish and immature. I’d return home to compose myself and kick him out leaving a woman abroad to fend for herself with 3 young kids is awful.

Is he usually an involved dad or does he work while you’re at home so he’s not used to the full horror of being with three young children for a full 24 hours?
His behaviour has been entirely horrible and unsupportive but I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of a peaceful 7 day holiday on his own and you clearly can’t abandon the children.
I think all you can do is explain you need to share the parenting while on holiday. It’s never a holiday with children that young and always likely to lead to stress and arguments. Hopefully you get through this and both manage to stay calm.

Have you definitely made up your mind to go home? Have you found out the flight times etc. I really feel for you. Are you sure that the holiday isn't going to be a wee bit salvageable. Do you think he will be sorry that he's ignored you for this length of time? I just wish I was there to give you a hand bringing them home!