AIBU to feel uncomfortable if my child invites their father's mistress?

[Zoobaloo]

Looking for perspectives on the following:

Would you attend your adult DC’s wedding if they had invited their father’s mistress? Would it change if the affair was years ago? Would you feel disrespected?

Actions have consequences and those can be years later.

I would prioritise my mum over my dad in these circumstances.

I would just say to your mum you would like your dad to be there but appreciate it's difficult for her for the other woman to attend. Hopefully your mum will be the bigger woman. Just make it clear you don't want to invite her but he is your dad and is saying he won't go if she's not invited.

Oh right, the original post was a mess up. In that case I agree with others, invite your Dad but definitely not his wife. If your Dad doesn’t show up he’s showing his true colours.

No! The OP doesn’t even like this woman! Her Dad should be the bigger man and turn up without her fgs!

"She is your family dad, but she is the woman who helped destroy my family. I will not invite her. I would love if you can attend. I will not seat you and mum together. If you cannot come without your wife, I will understand. But please do not say she is my family again and please understand why she would not be welcome at my wedding."

I attended my daughter’s wedding and my ex husband’s partner -the other woman- was invited. I was nothing but gracious to her… actually, it made me feel superior to be that nice to her, if truth be told,…but the whole event went off without any bad words! It can be done!

Be very clear with your father stating that it is your wedding and you want both your parents there and both are invited. However, make it very clear that you have no, and want no, relationship with your father’s new wife and she is not invited to the wedding . It is YOUR day, not an opportunity for anyone to make nasty comments, name call etc. If your father is a gentleman he will acknowledge and respect your decision……if he attends then all well and good, if he declines at least you’ve tried OP but you will know that he has no respect for you.

I didn’t, but the wedding was only a short time after the affair... I probably wouldn’t have a choice now, due to the time that has past

It’s a big fat no - you need to make clear it’s your day and you invite who you want

I don’t like his wife. Affair aside, she isn’t a very nice person and is very nasty towards my mum, calling her names like a teenager in high school

You don't need invite people you don't like, to your wedding. And you need to point out to your dad that this woman might be his family, but she's not yours.

But OP has said that her dad's wife is actively rude and insulting to her mum (OP has described her as 'like a teenager in high school') so I doubt that the event would go off without any bad words if she was invited.

OP's dad has obviously married a really horrible woman and OP should be under no obligation to invite her. If her dad then refuses to attend, that's his decision.

I think it’s your wedding you invite who you want. I know someone who was the affair partner years ago, now married and doesn’t attend her dhs children’s weddings etc even though she has a relationship with them. I think your dad is wrong, affairs hurt people. If you don’t want a relationship with her that’s completely your choice. The affair partner had no right to be horrible to your mum. You need to be able to relax and enjoy your day that is the most important issue. If your dad cannot understand the continued hurt that’s his issue.,

No. Why would you invite someone you don't like, who is potentially going to upset your mum and spoil your day? If you invite her, you are going to be on edge all day.

I wouldn't invite her but I would also rescind my invitation to my father at this point for not respecting your boundaries and trying to manipulate you into changing your mind. Why would he want to sit through someone elses wedding vows knowing he made a mockery of his own anyway?

No woman should have to be the ‘bigger woman’ to prioritise a man throwing his toys out of the pram. Period.

1. Dad wants his new wife at my wedding. I don’t agree but he won’t come without her. I don’t think it’s fair to mum.

Well it’s not his wedding so he doesn’t get to dictate the guest list.

what do you want? If you don’t want the new wife there then “sorry dad, not happening but would love you to come”

Agree with this. It’s your day not your fathers, and certainly not his “new” wife’s.

Actions have consequences, your dad behaved badly, you don't sound that close to him, no great loss if he decides to stay home, it will save more heartache later on with, particularly as you don't want her playing granny.
Just tell him that you are not inviting his wife, you won't be changing your mind and you understand if he feels he can't attend. Don't mention your mum, she's suffered enough without more backlash.
He's made his position clear and now it's your turn, you're doing the right thing.
If you have a wobble just imagine your mum's eyes as she sees them arrive, and then as she makes her excuses straight after the ceremony to leave as she feels unwell.

Is anyone else getting fed up with posts where people are told to "be the bigger person"? It seems to me that most of the time it means let someone who has behaved badly get their own way again with no consequences. To quote Grange Hill "just say no". 😶

She is your Dad's wife, you can just ignore her. Weddings always generate family drama, so this would be no different. I would invite her but seat her away from the main table.

It's a shame for you that your father's partner is unpleasant about your mother. On that basis I'd probably struggle to be "civil" towards her - but realistically that is going to fracture and maybe even destroy your relationship with your father. It's really a question of how much you want to keep your relationship with your father going.

You’re going to get a lot of wrong answers because of the way you wrote it. Writing it like the DC has chosen to invite them when in fact you are the DC and don’t want to invite them will skew people’s perception. I voted you are unreasonable but in fact, when I know the actual story, you are not unreasonable as long as this is your choice and not made in some weird ‘I need to be angry because she hurt my mum way’, and my mum will hate it if she comes (your mum is an adult and needs to get over stuff in life so if you actually got on with the other women, you should invite her.

Your dad’s choice caused a lot of hurt but if she’s still nasty towards your mum I can understand why you don’t like her.

It is not unreasonable to not want her there, it’s your day and your choice. But also, this is your dad’s fault, not the mistresses. He was the one who was married with kids, he should not have pursued anything. Most people blame the other woman, but he is the arsehole.

Absolutely. Nothing would keep me from my DC’s wedding day. Nothing

Well she's his wife not his mistress now, so she is extended family to you.
. Since you dislike her so much it's arguably reasonable not to invite her, but the price is that your dad may not come, sadly. And your mum will be happier, so... there's no easy answer.

This.

Make it clear that his decision can lead to his loss too. Up to him if he wants to come alone or not. The same applies to any future grandchildren. He comes alone or does not meet them.

He sounds like he is being manipulative without realising the potential impact on himself.

Shame, dad. Cheating is never acceptable but had it been someone lovely we may have been able to try at some point. As she is utterly vile I never want anything to do with her. Your choice if you want to have a relationship with your child and any future grandchildren.