AIBU to feel uncomfortable if my child invites their father's mistress?

[Zoobaloo]

Looking for perspectives on the following:

Would you attend your adult DC’s wedding if they had invited their father’s mistress? Would it change if the affair was years ago? Would you feel disrespected?

You’ve seen the hurt the affair cost your family so don’t invite her. Your dad should come to your wedding regardless if he partner is invited.

If he is not willing to put his own daughter above the woman that he cheated with on her own wedding day, then I'm not sure that he is worth maintaining a relationship with tbh.

Make it clear that he is welcome to attend without her but that there is no place for her at your special day.

It wouldn't make any difference to me at all that she is now his wife, because he has already demonstrated that marriage means nothing to him in any case - why would I need to respect his marriage vows when he couldn't even respect his own?

Team dm, all the way!! Dads new wife must have some big massive balls to want to attend anyway.
If your df chooses her over your big day, then, so be it!!

Well that is reason enough not to invite her. Unless your father has been a great father over the years and has had some of your care growing up then I wouldn’t give in to his blackmail. If it has been your mother doing most of your care growing up then I would put her first. My friend’s father insisted that he bought his new woman to her wedding, along with the demand that they both be seated at the top table. My friend just turned round and told him that neither he or his girlfriend were invited.
Who is paying for the wedding?

It's really not a hard one

"I" would. And DID invite the OM to my wedding. However that was 20 years after it happened and my dad and stepdad are civil and perfectly capable of being in the same room together without name calling.

For you I think you need to ask yourself.
Would you be ok if your dad doesn't attend your wedding?

If the answer is yes - don't invite her.
If the answer is no - I would have a conversation about behaviour explaining no name calling your mother or even hinting at anything difficult. Also I would likely do a sweetheart table and put your parents on 2 different tables so you don't get a issue over her being in the head table.

Your fathers hurt if she doesn't attend
Your mother's hurt if she does attend.

They both have to love you as their child more than they hate their x. So work out what makes YOU feel the less hurt and go with that.

Off course this is difficult we are talking about her parents and she will feel hurt if her dad is not there and anxious if her mum is uncomfortable. Let's not downplay this because you feel there is one moral way for this. For the OP. This is her life and this IS hard.

After reading your updates, it's a hard no! Your dad sounds like he is willing to prioritise her over his child and showing no remorse for the heartbreak caused. You say you are civil with your dad, would you actually miss him if he ddnt come?

Tell him plainly that she's not your family and she never will be. Say if he doesn't care enough about you to come alone then he doesn't need to come at all. I don't think I could stop myself adding in that he's prioritised this woman over his family plenty of times before so this is hardly anything new.

Absolutely the right decision not to invite her, then.

Your dad sounds like a complete arsehole. If he doesn't attend it's his loss. Even if he did attend I wouldn't be giving him the honour of walking me down the aisle or doing a speech.

Walk down the aisle with the groom, or with your mum. And ask someone else from your side to do a speech.

It’s your wedding. You invite who you want there. If you don’t want dads new wife, she can’t come. Your dad is entitled to refuse the invitation

This is one of those "superficially easy" (you don't want her there so don't invite her) but "actually difficult" (but that means no dad either) situations and I feel really sorry for you.

I think you probably have to decide how you'd feel without your dad at the wedding vs how you'd feel with his new wife there given her behaviour. If you really want your dad there and not having that would be the worst outcome, have a chat with your mum to explain how you feel and how sorry you are it might hurt her feelings, but you really want dad there and it's the only way it can happen and can she please support you in that.

If you really don't want the new wife there, even if that means no dad, you just tell him "new wife might be his family but she isn't yours, and her behaviour towards your mum has been abhorrent, so clearly she isn't coming. If he puts his wife above his daughter and doesn't come either that's on him". But only do that accepting he will put his wife first most likely.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Well surely this makes up your mind, she is not in invited. Just invite your dad, if he won't come that's on him. Your not causing the issue, he is. Don't put your mum through more than she already has been

Given your Dad's behaviour and abuse of your Mum during the marriage, I wouldn't be inviting his new wife. By extension you were also affected by his behaviour. They both now want to.continue this at your wedding which given the wife's continued abuse of your Mum has the potential to cause difficulties during the wedding.
It would be a line in the sand for me. Make it clear he's welcome which given his carry on, he is lucky to be invited. He doesn't get to dictate. Under no circumstances is the new wife getting an invitation. I would imagine your Mum wouldn't be the only one who would be uncomfortable with her presence.
On an other note your title is proof that Al is not to be relied on. It has completely skewed the narrative and I would imagine has had an impact on the poll results. Many just respond to title and first post. Your further posts give a very different reality.

Then I would get married without him there. 💐

Why would it make a difference if they're now married?

It clearly didn't matter to the OP's father that he was married to her mother, so why should his new marriage matter to anyone else?

Surely marriage is meaningless in this situation apart from the legal protection that it provides?

Don’t invite her.

This is all your dad’s making and it’s your wedding. Shitty decisions have repercussions and even if it’s many years down the line it doesn’t erase the past.

I think it’s very crappy of him to try and insist like this, it isn’t about him. Sounds as though he is choosing his new wife over you in a sense.

Assuming they got together years ago, she’s now his partner. However hurtful his affair was, if your adult child invited her as her Dad’s +1 then that’s the way it is. She’s no longer his mistress which is a very old fashioned term.

Your dad sounds callous and selfish, and this woman sounds like an absolute piece of work. This woman is not your family unless you want her to be and you are absolutely not obliged to have this woman at your wedding. If your dad insists on putting this woman ahead of you on your wedding day (ie he won’t attend if she doesn’t), then that just makes him a shit dad who doesn’t deserve to be at your wedding.

And as a PP said, the incorrect AI summary will have skewed results. It’s perfectly reasonable of you not to invite her.

My ex had an affair with my best friend and following a horrendous divorce they subsequently married. My DD got married about 15 years later . To be honest I had moved on though I was still angry but it was my daughter’s day. I held my head up high and made sure I looked fabulous. Some of the women who had been mutual friends were at the wedding and I am sure the wife felt their displeasure at her previous behaviour. She looked on edge all day so I don’t think it was a very nice day for her . I did actually speak to her at one point! Support your mum but let your dad bring his wife .

It is for the couple to decide on the guests. Talk to your mum. . If including your dad's wife ( the former affair partner) would definitely upset your mum, I would ask my dad nicely if he would come alone and explain my reasoning . I wouldn't invite his wife knowing it would distress my mother.

. It's up to your dad to decide whether he wants to attend his own child's wedding., at least for the service even he is unable to leave his wife at home for a few hours.

Please don't be another person to trample all over your mum.

Moving forward, who will be the person who is going to be there for you when you arrange your wedding, have kids, and have hard times in the future? Is it your mum?

Does your dad help you out at all. Is he paying anything towards the wedding? Has he been there for you?

The adult thing to do is to invite him, and only him. If he declines, that is on him. Get your mum to walk you down the aisle.

It won't stop here. It'll be the wedding, then it will be your kids being told to call her Nanna, and come to the hospital, see the baby and be involved. As an adult you need to draw your boundaries with her now. She may be your dad's wife, but she (and him) took a wrecking ball to your family and your mum. He needs putting in his place too, which is not using threats of emotional blackmail to control how you feel.

As someone who in now in her 50's and put up with a selfish dad and putting a step mum and her kids before his own DC, I can tell you that I wished I had put him in his place years ago and cut him off, rather than do the "pick me" dance for 35 years. I am still waiting for him to put us first before her DC.

Your DF's now married to the OW so they're trying to re_write history, they want to pretend you're all a happy family and no invite to the wedding shows them you don't feel that way. Tell your DF he's welcome alone or not at all.

P.s. Why are you letting her get away with calling your mum names. Clearly she is a nasty piece of work and needs calling out on it. She will be bad mouthing you too.

This.