AIBU to feel uncomfortable if my child invites their father's mistress?

[Zoobaloo]

Looking for perspectives on the following:

Would you attend your adult DC’s wedding if they had invited their father’s mistress? Would it change if the affair was years ago? Would you feel disrespected?

I suggest ignoring the poll. I voted on the information implies in your first post and the situation seems very different.

Given your subsequent posts YANBU to refuse to invite her. It is your wedding you can invite who you like. It also sounds like you are much closer to your DM than your DF. You just have to accept any consequences which you seem happy to do.

This is one of the reasons people elope. I know friends who have had this, it made for a really awkward day even though everyone planted a smile on their face. Christmases, christening etc all made really awkward for ever more …

I would not let her come after causing so much heartache and If he didn’t come it wouldn’t bother me, he didn’t think about how it was affecting you either when he kept cheating. My mum is more important to me than any cheating man and I never saw my biological father again after we left our family home after he did the same thing. I didn’t like him and didn’t want to see him.

She’s not his mistress, she’s his wife. Sounds like it was all such a long time ago too. Has your mum not moved her life on?

If he doesn’t come because the wife isn’t invited, that speaks volumes. He’s putting her above you, just like he put her above his family all those years ago. Why on earth would you put his preference over your own mothers? Invite your dad and if he doesn’t come, it’s his loss and shows what a horrid man he is.

That's a shame dad I'd love to have you there but it's your choice. I have to finalise the food by (date) so be aware that if you change your mind after that you won't be able to come. Bye now.

He was a selfish shit years ago and still is.

She sounds like a fish wife. Who on earth has an affair and then berates the man’s poor wife. Your father should have addressed this at the time. He can hardly be surprised that you don’t want her at your wedding. He’s reaping what he’s sown.

Are you sure you want your Dad there? Is there a chance he will just bring the fish wife anyway if you invite him?

My husbands mum said the same thing before we got married, after a month of her calls and crying that the affair partner is not invited, she decided she will come to her sons wedding by herself after all. Wishing you lots of luck navigating this tricky relationship

Wow, why would your Dad expect you to invite her?!

I'm sorry your Dad and his wife are such lowlifes. He is a prat / they are prats not to respect your feelings towards your Mum here. New wife doubtless feels insecure, given his history of cheating and on-off treatment of her....bit she plainly isn't rising above it.

My (not invited) dad's new wife materialised at the end of my sister's wedding (which was only a couple of years after my parents marriage had broken up and it was all still raw - though the breakup was mutual, it was horrifically messy).

I was a bit shocked, as she sidled into the reception venue to change the new baby's nappy which felt extremely 🤨🤨. Though in hindsight she had probably come to fetch him because he would have drunk too much to drive himself home.

Personally I'd invite my mum and him.

Explain you arent interested in a relationship with her for valid reasons.... if he wants to let that interfere in your relationship its his call.

She'd have been welcome at the wedding if she hadn't done x y and z but HER behaviour means you cant reasonably invite her.

IMO he wouldn’t be coming then 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have dealt with this situation. With a wedding and a funeral. It was just a case of no one causing a drama and just acting respectfully towards each other.

Weddings and funerals are not days to kick off or sulk about anything.

Another vote for invite your dad but not her.
It's up to him.
I'd support my mum too.

You should totally rewrite this post as it’s confusing compared to what you have explained in your other posts. I voted you were being unreasonable as I thought it was about your children.

I do not think you are unreasonable to not invite your father’s wife. If your dad chooses not to come to your wedding that’s on him not you.

Name changed for this. I was in a similar situation to you OP. My dad had an affair with a woman who went on to become his long term partner. My mum never remarried.
i didn’t invite my dads partner to my wedding as I was not particularly interested in having a relationship with her and I felt it was extremely disrespectful to my mum. If he has separated from my mum and then got together with his partner, I think I would have felt differently about the situation.
The difference in our situations was that my dad fully recognised the consequences of his actions, and he would have done anything to be at my wedding.
Your father is being totally selfish. This woman is not your family and it doesn’t sound like you want her to be. Invite him only and let him wrangle with the consequences of his actions.

Congratulations on your forthcoming wedding op.

I think if you want both of your parents at the wedding, and your dad’s mistress is now his wife, then you have to invite everyone, and unfortunately your mum may be upset but it’s your day op, and I think you need to allow your parents to sort it out between themselves and hopefully take the higher ground. It’s not up to you to control your parents’ ongoing relationship is what I mean. They have to do that themselves. Sorry this must be incredibly stressful for you though 💐

If you think your mum may genuinely not be able to cope then you have to consider not inviting your dad and his wife and seeing them for a special dinner on another occasion.

FWIW, a friend of mine in her 60s, attended her daughter’s wedding a few years back, and it was the first time she had seen her ex dh (who had cheated on her multiple times) and his new wife, and she was surrounded with love and support from the whole family who knew the score and she was never left alone as everyone took turns to rally around her.

If anything it was her ex dh who struck rather a forlorn figure bc, despite being remarried, he had made decisions that had alienated him from family and his relationships with his daughters were just not the same and hadn’t recovered and most people thought that the loss was very much his ifyswim,

It’s funny how when people realise the original post is not from the mum it’s from the child the views totally change.

Yep, It's a hard "NO" from me.
Your wedding, your rules. She sounds vile so why should you and your mother be put in a difficult situation for your father's benefit.
If he loves you he will come. He is your family, not her and as much as he wants you to all be one big happy family to justify his behaviour, it ain't gonna happen.

I wouldn't invite the misstress, and if dad can't understand why, I'd ask him not to come either.

If your dad loved you he would respect your decision, not try to blackmail you into forcing to invite someone you wouldn't have, and that's without your mother's thoughts, you don't like her..

I'd invite my mum and my dad only, if he chooses not to come, that's something he will have to live with.

I think he already did that when he wrecked his home and insisted on being the other home wrecker with him to his daughter's wedding.

Actually, I wouldn't invite him full stop, come to think of it.

A decent father wouldn’t be putting you through this.

A decent father would say something like…..of course I would prefer my wife to be there but it’s your day and I’m honoured to be there for you as a guest with or without my wife. I would never react negatively to your wedding wishes. My wife will be totally understanding and i can assure you it won’t change our relationship at all if you want me there on my own. Please tell your mum not to worry about it at all.

I would send a single invitation to him with a note to say that you really really want him to be with you on your wedding day and will be disappointed if he feels his invitation presents an issue to his current wife as you intend no discourtesy towards her whatsoever. You very much hope that he can overcome any difficulty and be there by your side on your wedding day.

Oh this is such a tough one and so difficult for you when you should be enjoying your wedding planning.
Pros- your dad can’t really be expected to come alone.
You're asking him to choose between his wife and daughter that’s never going to end well!
Your mum will be happier if he doesn’t attend.
Cons- his new wife has been a bitch about your DM, not acceptable! I’m my DH’s second wife (not mistress we met after he was divorced) and I never bad mouth his ex! I accept he loved her once and she’s the mother of his children so she will always be part of his story.
His new wife isn’t very nice

I suppose it just really comes down to who you want there, do you have someone else to walk you down the aisle if your dad doesn’t attend?
Fo the record if my DH was invited to his daughters wedding and not me I’d of course be upset but would encourage him to go as it’s his daughter!

It sounds like your mum is saying whilst she would feel disrespected she hasn’t said she won’t come if the AP is there. So even though your mum would be uncomfortable and unhappy she would still put you first and attend your wedding.

Your dad on the other hand is issuing an ultimatum about a woman who he had an affair with and says nasty things about your mum. He is putting AP above you.

I would invite mum and dad only. It’s up to him if he can’t put you first like your mum would and decides he won’t attend. And if he doesn’t attend then I would not let it spoil my day

Sorry you're in this position OP.

You don't have to invite your dad's new partner if you don't want to and frankly if you don't want a relationship with her it seems sensible.