AIBU to feel uncomfortable if my child invites their father's mistress?

[Zoobaloo]

Looking for perspectives on the following:

Would you attend your adult DC’s wedding if they had invited their father’s mistress? Would it change if the affair was years ago? Would you feel disrespected?

You are easily triggered. I was simply stating a fact. No need to get worked up.

Given your further posts with info on how she behaves and how you feel about her, no I wouldn't invite her. It might be different if your parents had split organically and moved on in time with new partners. However, your dad betrayed your mum multiple times throughout their marriage by the sound of it, with this woman. He doesn't get to tarnish the beginning of yours with the same woman if you don't want her there. You're not obliged to invite her and don't owe her anything. She's your dad's wife, she's not 'family'.

Wrong.
OP you’ve said you don’t want her there and you do want him there. He’s choosing her over you which is again as disgusting as he was when he picked her over your mum (and his family) the first time around. Have a wonderful day and maybe your DM can proudly walk you down the aisle.

If your father thinks his new wife is more important than his daughter’s wedding then I would tell him he can take it or leave it. What a ridiculous man.

This. He’s being very difficult.

I'd be tempted to say:

Dad i want you there... But I can't have your wife, as it would put me on edge all day - she's behaved very badly towards mum over the years... Any more than if the shoe has been on the other foot and mum's new partner called you names every time he saw you I wouldn't want him there so you could enjoy the wedding.

I want you both there to see me married... But. I need to be able to be relaxed to enjoy it on what is such a special day.

Your dad is using the wedding as a way to force you to accept her as part of the family.

You don't have to.

Just say no, you don't like her, and she's not invited - end of. Your dad can then choose to come or not come, it's up to him.

Your wedding is such an important and special day - you don't want to be worrying about this crap on the day. If you don't want her there, don't invite her.

I had this with my wedding 14 years ago, I was too young to deal with in the way I would now. Basically I think both your mum and dad are putting their needs before yours, on your wedding day. If the situation were to happen again for me. I would say clearly for one day they need to put my preferences first and then state what I wanted. The only caveat is if your parents are paying for your wedding.

She sounds very unpleasant and could try and deliberately upset your mum if she attends your wedding. Don't invite her and if your dad refuses to attend, fuck him.

You’ve invited your dad and he’s given his reply. If you don’t want her there them
n don’t have her there. If he wants to fall out with you about it then let him. It won’t be the first time he’s put his needs first. It’s your turn now.

Is she now. Not in my book.

My goddaughter did not invite her DF’s affair partner to her wedding. He accepted that and came anyway.

I put YABU because I read your title and made an assumption you were the ex wife and this was your kid’s wedding. My bad. Having read your thread I think your dad should just come alone. If he doesn’t want to then that’s on him. If you don’t want a relationship with her and you don’t consider her in the family now, what’s the point of upsetting your mum.

We had this exact situation. Ended up inviting FIL's new wife /ex mistress despite MIL saying she wouldn't come if we did. It was FIL who'd behaved much worss than his second wife (openly stringing them both along).

There was so much resentment there was a huge theatrical build up of how horrible the 2nd wife was which actually spending time with her since she's actually nice. MIL came to the wedding in the end and fully took part, and FIL's 2nd wife sat at a table far away from the main guests. It helped normalise relationships and stop the name calling and they're all now active grandparents to our kids.

Initially we weren't going to invite her but then they'd got married a few months before our invites went out and FIL said he wouldn't come without her. Prior to the wedding MIL never called her by her name, just rude names.

My DH also used to call her horrible names and it's taken him ages to calm down about it. I'd seen how horrible MIL was to FIL in their home before they split so I had sympathy with all.

If you can use it as an opportunity to heal the rift it will help in the long term. Now FIL helps his ex (our mil) with hospital visits etc with the blessing of his 2nd wife so they've all gained.

If you don’t like her, don’t invite her. Your mum deserves total respect & if DD turns up with the OW, that’s not going to happen. If your DD chooses not to come to your wedding, then that’s on him & it shows he cares more about his OW than he does you. It’s time for him to respect your wishes.

OP's dad's wife is actively rude and insulting to OP's mum 'like a teenager in high school' according to OP. Even setting the affair aside, would you invite someone to your wedding that will be openly rude to your mum?

What does OP's mum being the 'bigger person' look like? She isn't refusing to attend if OP's dad's wife attends. OP's mum has done nothing wrong. It's OP's wedding and she doesn't want this woman there. That's a perfectly reasonable and valid choice on her part.

@Zoobaloo
I would only invite your DD.

There's no way I would allow my DM to be put in such an uncomfortable position, having to share one of the most important life events with the OW.

Awful situation for both you and DM to be put in by your DD.

Not only have the pair of them ruined your DM's marriage, caused her untold pain (I imagine) the new wife is nasty to and calls your DM names, no way would she be invited.

My DM would come first, she'd be my priority.

I can't actually imagine how awful it would be for your DM, would the OW turn up dressed to kill? (to try to outshine your DM)

Would she be loud and proud, make her presence known?

Expect to sit at the "Top" table (she'll definitely expect to sit next to your DD)

Photos, I assume they'll expect to be in all the family group photos (slap in the face to your DM)

There's no way I'd subject my DM to that, it would be so upsetting and humiliating. I can almost feel the knot of anxiety that your DM must have in the pit of her stomach at thought of sharing your special day with these people.

The whole issue seems to be about what your DD and the OW wants, you dont want her there and neither does your DM.

A difficult situation for you and upsetting if you want DD to attend but theres no way would I invite the OW, invite DD then let him choose to come alone or not attend, be prepared for him not to come.

If the OW had anything about her she'd be saying "I won't come because it will be very awkward for everyone"

What an awful position to be put in by your own DF, I really feel for you and your DM ❤️

She’s his wife now, it’s sad for your mum but I’m sure she’s had to come to terms with it before this. Saying that I do think it’s unfair of your dad but get why (I can imagine the ‘dh won’t bring me to his dc’s wedding’). It’s a hard one op

Yes I’d attend regardless because it’s not my wedding, about me It’s for my DC. Hold you head up and go and enjoy your DCs wedding.

Sorry OP just seen update. I’d tell your dad he is invited but she is not simply because you don’t want her there.

He's married to her now. I'd disinvite the pair of them.

If you don’t want her at your wedding don’t invite her. What decision your dad makes is on him

Your dad sounds like a narcissist, tell him you want your parents there… this women is not a parent. If he can’t put you first then that shows what a knob he is.

Your Dad is in the wrong here. It’s your wedding and he’s the one who’s done this to your Mum.

Your Mum is the innocent party here, invite your Dad, invite your Mum and then it’s your Dad’s decision what he does, but if he feels comfortable putting you in this position then perhaps you need to consider your feelings towards him. He is utterly selfish to have done this to you at one of the happiest times of your life.

Nah. Ball in his court. You invite both, not the mistress. He can decide if she is more important to him than you are.

He's being a cunt, tbh

From what you have said, I'd be picking mum. He's already put this woman ahead of his family once, he's just continuing that theme, in a way that will cause you stress on YOUR wedding day.

"Sorry dad no plus ones!' I wouldn't bother getting into it. If he doesn't get it by now, he never will.