AIBU to feel uncomfortable if my child invites their father's mistress?

[Zoobaloo]

Looking for perspectives on the following:

Would you attend your adult DC’s wedding if they had invited their father’s mistress? Would it change if the affair was years ago? Would you feel disrespected?

@Arregaithel @thepariscrimefiles

I was referring to the dad....he should leave his wife at home.

My dad has had a relationship with another woman for the last perhaps 50 years. I would have no more had her at my wedding than I would saw my own leg off. She was Mum’s best friend and constantly treated Mum as if she was the other woman. Manipulative bitch.
However, no matter how much in thrall Dad is to her, there is no way he would’ve expected her to come to my wedding.

Who raised you? Who worked but also did the day to day to keep your thriving? Did your dad provide?

At least the OW in this case has not yet manipulated your DDad into dropping you altogether, which is what happened to me in the end. The OW was an evil witch who was allowed to come to the wedding and wore the biggest black hat she could find. Her only end goal was to get the DDad's first marriage children entirely out of her life, allowing her to come to the wedding made no difference in the end. She still won.

Fuck him I wouldn't invite her. Having a wedding free of animosity and that my mum was comfortable and happy at would be far more important to me. If your dad chooses not to come because his partner isn't invited, then that's telling you all you need to know about his prioritiess and feelings for you. If he didn't come I'd just cut him out my life entirely to be honest.

@Zoobaloo I feel your pain because this was me.

My mum and dad divorced as my dad had many affairs and the last was the deal breaker, my mum never remarried. I was brought up by my mum and felt for her as she was the innocent party.

I wanted both my parents at the wedding, no-one but me wanted my Dad there and Dad wouldn't come without his wife (the reason my mum and Dad got divorced) and his wife stated she would come but wouldn't enjoy it. My sister said she wasn't coming if Dad came. I had invited everyone, with a carefully considered seating plan and order of service to avoid unnecessary conflict.

In the end I sent them all a message, its my wedding and I invite who I want. I will arrange things to make everyone as comfortable as possible, no top table etc, but basically this is my wedding and if you all love me, you will button it for a few hours for my sake and after that if you wish to leave early you can.

Sadly I can't give you a positive outcome that is relevant to you as my Dad died just before my wedding and my stepmum was unwilling to attend without him, which I understood, so the probably was solved.

You’re not responsible for protecting your mum from the consequences of your dad’s choices. You’re responsible for creating the wedding day you want.
If you want your dad there, invite him. If he won’t come without his wife, that’s his boundary and you can decide whether you’re willing to accommodate it. You invite him and if he decides not to come, that is on him.

You can manage the day so everyone is comfortable: no top table, thoughtful seating, separate arrival times, and maybe no FOB speech if you feel he cannot be trusted, etc.

But ultimately, it’s your wedding. The people who love you should be able to put their feelings aside for a few hours so you can have the day you deserve.

And its sounds easier said than done but I made the statement and my mum, please her, said she loved me and would do want needed to be done to make the day as happy as it could be for me. Now that is what you call a mother and someone that loves you.

Honestly I think your mum needs to suck it up. The day isn’t about her, she can put on a happy face and go back to being upset the day after your wedding.

If I was in his woman then I would offer not go because of the past issues.

If I was OPs dad, I would encourage my wife (who doesn’t get on with the bride’s mother) to not go.

Considering that neither are doing this, tells me what type of people they are.

My wedding was the same. I invited my mum and my dad and his partner. They got on with it fine for me

No. A dad and his wife should be able to attend his child's wedding as should the mother. Everyone needs to be adult about this.

I think most situations where it’s a long time ago and everyone is civil, the OW new wife should be invited (my Ds is only 14 but I’m sure his dads partner who was OW would be invited to his future wedding and that’d be fine with me, we are civil and it’s all water under the bridge).

however your poor mum has been called names and basically bullied by this woman? Has all this happened recently? I think assuming that there has t been a
lot of time passed, no way would i invite her and it sounds like your dad is blackmailing you with his attendance. In this case, I’d put my mums emotional wellbeing first and not invite OW. Just say to your dad that the invite is for him only and it’s up to him whether he accepts.

Yes. It's about your child, not the other guests. You smile sweetly, think 'whore' and find someone else to chat to.

Sorry, I read your last update and changed my mind. Don't invite her and tell your dad if he is willing to miss his child's wedding because his affair partner isn't invited, he was never much of a father to begin with. Please RSVP as soon as possible as you will want to get another relative to walk you down the aisle if he isn't coming.

I don't like being emotionally blackmailed, so what I'd say to my dad in such a situation is this: "You are invited, because you're part of my family. Your wife is not invited, because she's not a part of my family and never will be. If you choose not to come, that's your right. Unlike you, I won't be marrying again, so this is your one and only chance. Now it's up to you."

If he doesn't come, don't let it ruin your day. He's only showing you how selfish he is.

Of course OP can decide not to invite her dad's wife! There is no rule or law that says that OP has to invite her step-mother for 'balance'! Her step-mother has been extremely rude to OP's mum so why on earth would OP even want to invite her to her wedding? From what OP has said about her dad, if he decides not to attend her wedding if his wife isn't invited, it would be no great loss to OP.

I'm getting strong vibes that New Wife is determined to go in order to demonstrate her power and spoil it for Old Wife.

It's YOUR wedding so you and your partner choose who to invite.

If your Dad chooses not to come if his wife isn't there, that is his choice.

I was confused by the original post but the follow up helped me understand what's going on.

I can assume your Dad and his "mistress" (which does rather make it sound like she's some evil woman who lured him away when we all know it takes two to tango) will both be hurt and possibly angry about the snub but I get the understandable impression that it's more important to you that your mum is comfortable and content at your wedding.

You could just post out invitations. You could include a letter with your father's invitation which explains your decision and what your priorities are. e.g.

"Dad, you will notice that your invitation is just for you and that Valerie is not included in the invitation. The main reason for this is that it's of the utmost importance to me that my mum is present at my wedding day and I want her to feel comfortable. I think Valerie's presence will be upsetting to her and a distraction for the whole day. I understand that you won't be happy with this decision and you are welcome to choose to come to your child's wedding or stay at home with your wife.

"As I stand on the precipice of my own marriage, I am embarking on a life long commitment to Sam, the person that I love with all my heart and want to spend the rest of my life with. I want Sam to be embraced and welcomed into our family. I am still incredibly hurt by your choices and actions with regards to your affair with Valerie and the devastating impact that your betrayal had on my mum, my family, and my sense of trust and stability. To have her present would do a disservice to the sanctity of marriage and taint the vibe of positivity, love and celebration that I want my wedding to have.

"If you feel that you cannot bring yourself in your role as my Dad to be present on your own, I don't want you to be there. I love you and want you to be there but please understand that if you are to prioritise Valerie's happiness over mine on what should be one of the most important days of my life, you will do further irreparable damage to our relationship and I don't want that drama.

"You are an adult and it is your choice to make. Sam and I are paying for the wedding day and we are inviting the people that we love and trust to share this special day with us. I hope that you can make it."

Or something like that. I don't know.

My sons would never invite their step-mother to their wedding, and their father would come without her.

In this case @Zoobalooi wouldn’t invite her or your dad actually.

You really only have to options OP

Invite her and have your dad there
OR
Say she isn't invited and don't have your dad there. Because he picked her over his family once before and he will do it again.

When I look back at my wedding, despite trying my best to manage everyone, my fil spending the day glaring at sfil is an abiding memory. He wasn’t the affair partner but fil hated him anyway.

What was even less great was that DH wasn’t really that pleased to have sfil there and then his mum had split up with him before we were back from honeymoon 🙄

Its your wedding so you can do as you like especially of you don’t like someone, why invite them. Personality traits aside, not quite sure why everyone is ok with your dad coming when he betrayed your mum in the worst way….why is his wife taking all the hate and flack?

Then you've answered your own question, this isn't about your mum. You don't want someone who you don't like at the wedding and that's fine, but that is what you need to get across to your dad, keep how they met and how your mum would feel out of it.

I had this situation years ago. I didn't want new wife there as i didnt particularly like her and mum was still v hurt. Dad not happy but that was up to him. In the end he came to the wedding but not the reception. Suited everyone.

After your updates I would say it’s your wedding and you obviously don’t want her there. I would stick to your guns that your Dad is invited but not your step mum, if he chooses not to attend then so be it.

Your dad should have realised there would be consequences to his actions and breaking up a family by having an affair brings hardships (karma) in the future. Invite just him and if he doesn’t attend that means he chose his affair partner over his family twice.