AIBU to feel uncomfortable if my child invites their father's mistress?

[Zoobaloo]

Looking for perspectives on the following:

Would you attend your adult DC’s wedding if they had invited their father’s mistress? Would it change if the affair was years ago? Would you feel disrespected?

Like fuck is she family! No way could you have her there. Think of your mum. If your dad won't come then too bad, he'll have to miss your wedding.

Honestly if I was the mother in this situation I wouldn’t attend with the other woman being there and made welcome, it would be such a mockery to the institution of marriage and would be grossly unfair.
You need to discuss it open mindedly with your mother though, and work on a solution.

I think as pp said, tell your dad you understand his position and that he’ll be missed.
There are lots of reasons you don’t want his new wife there, so don’t invite her.
Ask a good friend to walk you down the aisle. 🩵

Id invite just your dad and just your mum. Then its in your dads court. He shouldn't be manipulating you and frankly you suffered as a child as a direct result of their actions so I wouldn't be bending over backwards for either of them.

I'm that case I wouldn't invite her. Also your dad needs to be accountable and part of that means not doing something like this.

If he won’t come without her, then that would be the decision made for me. If either threatened not to come, I’d allow them not to come. However, if you want her there then I’d invite her.

I wouldn’t been keen to invite this woman based on her being the affair partner, but when you add in that she has the cheek to be abusive do your mum, there’s no way I’d be allowing someone that childish and potentially volatile to my wedding .

I was in this situation a few years ago except my ex’s girlfriend was only a few months in. She wasn’t invited by my daughter but her father steamrolled her decision and brought his girlfriend anyway. I attended the wedding and pasted on a smile throughout and had a civil conversation with the girlfriend. I felt uncomfortable throughout but I didn’t want to upset my daughter and son-in-law. I did leave mid evening though. It was mentally draining for me but my daughter knew I would do that and was fine about it.

It sounds like you want to cut her out of your life anyway OP.

If that's the case, then you need to accept you'll be cutting your dad out too. You can't expect him to attend without her for every wedding/funeral/baptism/family event for the rest of his life when you've said you want to cut her out of yours.

That's your choice: but make it with your eyes wide open.

Rubbish. Don't invite her, don't perpetuate the disrespect shown to your mother and he can do what he likes after that.

He's married to her- it's not his mistress, you can't invite him and not his wife- that's just unbalanced.

I wouldn’t invite her. My dad came to my siblings wedding with his new wife (who was also the OW). I don’t think my sibling even thought it through but it was very difficult for my mum. She behaved with absolute dignity and the rest of the family provided lots of support but it wasn’t fun.

I say that as someone who gets on ok with the wife (I suspect he lied to her as much as my mum), so I definitely wouldn’t do it if I actively disliked her.

My dad used her as a bit of a shield when he left my mum - wouldn’t meet us (adult) kids without her being there etc. I think he thought it would avoid us questioning him but we just thought he was being a dick really

I was going to ask how long ago this all was. My mum hated my dad for the rest of her life after their divorce, and I told her to play nice at my wedding or not come.

But this update changes things. I wouldn't want someone I didn't like and who called my mum names at my wedding. No invite for her because she's not someone you like or want to attend. Your dad can decide not to come, or he can attend with grace. His choice.

In your case I would want my mum at my wedding above msny other people. If dad wants to spit his dummy out I’d tell him he is invited but not his wife .She is not nice to your mum , I’d be not nice to her .

"Dad i want both you and mum there, but if I have to choose one of you it'll be Mum."

She doesn’t have to invite anyone that’s insulted her mother. You don’t get a free pass for being abusive.

No. I wouldn't be blackmailed into inviting someone who I didn't want at my wedding. Especially not given it will be inevitably be very upsetting for your Mum. If you wanted her there, fine, but you don't.

In this situation I would tell your Dad that he is welcome but she is not.

If he chose not to attend then so be it.

I didn't imvite the woman my dad left my mum for to my wedding and they had been married 10 years by that point, why would i? I don't like her and have no relationship with her. If my Dad had refused to attend one if my brothers could have done the traditional father of the bride stuff.

I feel for you OP, it's a horrible situation to be in. Your father sounds very much like mine.

I wouldn’t invite her.

It’s legitimising their relationship in a way that I don’t think this sort of relationship should ever be legitimised - ok the state recognises it but you don’t have to.

I have never been any of the parties in this scenario before anyone accuses me of being bitter or similar.

She can invite whoever she chooses to her own wedding. She is choosing not to invite this woman and to show respect for her own mother who raised her.

Not at all. The father is choosing not to attend his DD's wedding despite being invited. That is his choice. A very selfish one but hardly surprising given his past behaviour.

I sympathise, it's a very difficult situation where you don't want to cause your Mum pain.

In our family, my brother got married and both parents came. They are divorced and my "dad" came with his mistress/now wife.

To be honest they were the loners in the room.

My Mum although perhaps internally found it uncomfortable, but outwardly what she focused on was that it was her sons wedding and he should be able to have the day he wanted.

I see how tricky it is.

As it happens I am absolutely no contact with my Dad and for quite serious reasons but again did put it aside to try and give my brother the wedding he wanted.

Sorry just seen he is refusing to come if she isn't allowed and I don't think he should be allowed to blackmail you. Sounds very much like my dad and many others on the thread.

In this case where he is blackmailing you over whether he will or won't come, then I think I'd just let him be and say goodbye then! I recognise its not that simple but eurgh.

All things considered in this particular scenario, I would invite my mum, and my dad, but not his wife. Up to dad whether he comes or not.

Guilt tripping to get your own way is poor behaviour so I voted YABU. However with your update it appears to be your father who is trying to manipulate your decision.

You shouldn't be coerced into inviting someone you don't like to your wedding. Your dad, like all adults, is responsible for the choices he makes.