AIBU to feel uncomfortable if my child invites their father's mistress?

[Zoobaloo]

Looking for perspectives on the following:

Would you attend your adult DC’s wedding if they had invited their father’s mistress? Would it change if the affair was years ago? Would you feel disrespected?

This is the brides mother not the bride!!! The bride has invited her father and her fathers wife who was his mistress. Now the brides mother doesnt want to attend the wedding.
No way Id miss my daighters wedding whoever was invited.

I think the voting is all skewed now because at first we didn't know what we were voting for

He is the root cause of this, because he choose to have an affair. He disrespected your mother and broke up the marriage. She's clearly better off without him. It would be different if they had split up and then he met his partner.

Probably true, but he’s still the OP’s father.

If it were my child’s wedding I would take the path that would cause my child the least amount of anguish.

Even if someone was invited who had caused me pain and trauma, I would just buckle up and get on with it.

I would not make my attendance dependant on who was or wasn’t invited. My issues with people would be set aside.

I would not issue any sort of ultimatum or use emotional blackmail

This. Your dad seems to have forgotten it is your wedding. Your mum has been through enough as it is, it would be wildly unfair to invite the woman involved in her marriage break up who still seems intent on hurting her.

You should have just explained that in your OP, because even without the title, you've obviously made it look like you're the mother, not the child.

It's your wedding and therefore entirely up to you whether you invite your dad's wife, or indeed if you invite your dad. If he won't come to your wedding without her, that's up to him.

Personally, I think if you are disgusted that your dad had an affair, it's odd to put all the blame on his new wife and exclude her from the wedding but not him. They both hurt your mother. If your mother's feelings are more important to you than having your dad at the wedding, don't invite him at all.

If I were your mother, I would accept that you probably wanted your dad there and if that meant also inviting his new wife, regardless of how hurt I was by the affair, I would accept it because I wouldn't want to make your wedding about my beef with my ex-husband. I'd just rise above it.

Nope you invite your dad and it up to him if he comes or not

actions have consequences and your dads actions means his wife isn’t invited to your wedding

If your father chooses to stay at home with this woman instead of coming to your wedding, that’s his problem. Sounds in keeping with how he has treated your family life.

The only invitation I would extend to someone who called my mum names would be be invitation to get fucked, frankly. Your dad is a disgrace.

I'm normally of the opinion that "parents have to be able to be in the same room together, for the sake of their children" - but in your situation, no way would I would have her at my wedding.
She is someone who could ruin your day, and upset the MOB.
Your Dad is a fool if he misses your wedding, but so be it. I'd leave the choice up to him.

Speak to your dad.
Explain that although you like his partner, out of respect for your mum, you don’t want her attending the wedding.

If he refuses, then don’t invite him.

I wouldn’t be sending him an invite just addressed to him, in case he turns up with her.
Just don’t tell him the date or venue until after it’s happened.

It is your wedding and you can invite who you want.
If it’s more important to you that your mum attends and feels comfortable then I wouldn’t feel bad about not inviting my dad.

My sister was in a similar position and chose to invite neither parent as she just didn’t want the drama.
She was made to feel incredibly guilty and it was odd that neither parent was there but the wedding was stress and drama free.
In our situation mum and dad are both as bad as each other and so it was easier to invite neither.

Based off this you shouldn’t invite her as you are going to end up stressed the whole day

But by the time William got married, his mother had died, so they didn't have this problem.

I was you and I didn't invite the mistress, my dad didn't come to my wedding either and he wasn't missed 💐 mum takes precedence 🤷‍♀️

I can understand why you want to invite her.
Your dad says that she's ,' family '...but she isn't is she ? You don't accept as such and I think it's wishful thinking on your dad's part that she'll be accepted.
Your mums feelings matter more than your dad's. Why would you make your mum feel upset and have the day spoiled for her...you wouldn't..
Don't invite her..

Also my take. It isn't even necessarily about who did what to who, it's who can be trusted not to cause a scene.

Your dad probably wants his mistress their as he knows he's done wrong and doesn't want to show up alone and be the bad guy by himself.

It's your wedding, what do you want?

Personally for me if I was in that situation I'd rather my mother be there. Especially is dad is giving an ultimatum 'if she can't come, I can't come'.

It's different if you've grown up and had a bond with this woman or are good friends etc. But I would always choose my mum over my dad. Unfair opinion from my side though TBH my mum died 12 years ago and my dad turned to alcohol and we dont speak 🤣

It's your choice though.

Diana would have had to suck it up and would have been given zero choice. She wasn’t the type of woman who wouldn’t have attended her son’s wedding.

I would attend but cut her dead at all times.

I would say “it’s a shame you’re going to miss my wedding dad”. I would feel the same as you and there is not a chance I’d want the OW there under any circumstances, particularly if she’s been vile about your mum.

Really it's up to your adult DC, it's really no different to inviting your ex's new wife- if he married her, if it's a long term relationship i don't see the problem.

The mistress should have the decency not to attend knowing the hurt she had caused the family. Unfortunately he is your childs dad so up to him if he once again chooses her over his daughters happiness.
Edit:
Just seen you are the bride. Don't invite her.

This is your wedding @Zoobaloo and it's clear that you don't want this woman to attend, both for you and for your DM. Please don't be bullied into inviting her by your father. He sounds like a terrible father and a selfish man.

Given everything else you say (oh god can people please stop using the AI version?) I would tell my Dad that I am not actually inviting his wife but would very much like him to be there. His choice whether he attends or not.

It was HIS behaviour that has caused all this, and it sounds as if you yourself were upset by the whole thing. Your father has repeatedly put his new wife before family and I see that he now doesn't have the sensitivity to put your happy day before his determination to be loyal to his new wife.

Honestly I would prefer my Mum to have a happy enjoyable day shared with you than have to see him at your wedding at all!

If your choice is not to have a relationship with this woman, and you would not have invited her, then don't change that because of your Dad's ultimatum.

In this situation I think you just say <name> is not invited, it’s my wedding and she’s not welcome. You’re my dad and you are invited. If you choose to not go to your daughter’s wedding that’s up to you.