AIBU to feel uncomfortable if my child invites their father's mistress?

[Zoobaloo]

Looking for perspectives on the following:

Would you attend your adult DC’s wedding if they had invited their father’s mistress? Would it change if the affair was years ago? Would you feel disrespected?

After reading your updates and now understand that the ‘Mistress’ is the woman that had long term affairs with your Father. He finally put your Mother through a painful divorce and married the Mistress. The Mistress is cruel and disrespectful to your Mother and yet he still thinks she should attend. It’s your wedding and I would tell both him and his Mistress to not bother coming. You don’t need the drama, and his new wife needs to ‘grow up’. Have a happy day with your Mum who was the the one who put you first.

This sums it up perfectly. It sounds a very difficult situation for your Mum, but both parents shouldn't be putting you in the middle like this. Having said that...if you don't like your Dad's wife at all, and don't really want her there then don't invite her. It's your wedding. If that means your Dad doesn't come then that's his decision.

Absolutely not, I wouldn’t invite her. His attitude shows he is minimising what he did to your mother all those years ago if he thinks it’s in anyway appropriate to bring this woman in the same place as her. Also the fact that he is doubling down by saying he won’t come if she doesn’t just shows he thinks as little of you now as he did then when he jeopardised his family’s stability and happiness. He should be grateful he’s invited not putting demands in place.

I had a friend in this situation and she invited her mum, the person who had brought her up and done everything for her.

The father refused to attend without his wife (who had actually been quite a mean stepmother to her).

I think you need to decide what you want - do you want your dad's new wife there? If not, simply tell your dad that and leave it for him to decide. If you do, then you need to speak to your mum about it.

At the end of the day, its your decision and both parties should respect that.

Why would she even want to go to the wedding? Oh look, this is the family I helped to destroy! Joy and blessings to all on this happy occasion 😂

I’d tell my dad that I’d love for him to be at my wedding, but if he isn’t capable of leaving the house without his wife, that’s a shame.

it’s your wedding just invite your mother and your father and if he chooses not to come.

@Zoobaloo I have been in similar situations- from age 18 my dad wouldn’t attend any event, eg my birthday, without his new partner.
both my parents had affairs and I sort of feel that’s indicative of a failed relationship so I don’t have a strong sense of blame to either of them- however, my dad centering his new partner has been hurtful.
i used to try and accommodate it - I wish I’d told him to come alone of fuck off.
it has simply got worse and worse over the decades- she is the most important thing to him, she gets very emotional and deregulated and has made some important events very awkward because of this.
i now just don’t invite them to stuff - wish id done it years ago.

How long ago did your parents split? I’m guessing it’s some time.

and I don’t feel it’s acceptable to keep refering to her as his mistress, she’s his wife.

I think after a long enough period you need to move on and stop taking sides, you know full well marriages are complex, and as much as your father should have ended if and not cheated, sometimes we don’t behave well or rationally.

your mother needs to move on as well, she can’t live her life in bitterness. My friends mum did it, and it only damages herself.

so yes I’d invite them all, this isn’t your circus, not your monkeys.

How long ago did he leave your mother?

My mother won't abide being in the same place as my dad, but they divorced over 30 years ago. At this point, she needs therapy. I do not pander to her needs.

Your real choice here is whether you want a relationship with your dad going forwards. He comes as a pair.

The alternative is to get married in private, and avoid the day altogether.

Oh cmon, no marriage split is that simple.

P.S. What you are describing is exactly the same situation as our King and Queen Consort were in - people really should forget and forgive over time!

Solution: similar situation in own family. Approached the new wife and politely requested that in interests of future family unity she graciously stood down and by her request the dad (her new husband) attended the wedding alone, thereby giving the bride a wonderful day, bride‘s mother peace of mind and the bride‘s father, the moral high ground. I considered this to be the action of an adult, a person of selflessness and quality. A person we would wish to welcome into the family gently at a future, more low key event. New wife refused and thus settled her future stance and status within the family. Father was disinvited from the wedding. The person who makes the choice for the greater good is the person to be valued. By your actions, shall you be known.

Don’t invite her. Your dad will follow his dick (what’s new?) and not attend, and that’s on him. You don’t need them there ruining your wedding.

BTW after that event at the wedding the years passed and the father died and the new wife also went on to disinherit his children. Truly, we have seen that by your actions you shall be known. Give her this chance….. she may truly be a good woman, generous and kind, wise, not greedy, and one you would welcome into your family…. Give her the chance to choose.

My dad and stepmum had an affair. That's both came to my wedding (and see my mum multiple times a year at various kids birthday parties etc.).

Honestly, I'd really struggle if they didn't all have a civil relationship. I appreciate it's slightly different if the split happened when you were an adult, but is there any chance all three will agree to be polite to each other and keep their feelings out of it for your sake? Otherwise you're looking at a lifetime of hard decisions.

How close were you to your dad growing up? Was he a decent father?

You don’t owe him anything.

I wouldn’t invite him if it was me as I loved and appreciated my mum far more as she did everything for me growing up as dad was an alcoholic.

I was in a similar situation but actually, my mum is in a lovely relationship, dads still with the OW, I invited them all and they all
behaved.

Your wedding is also a celebration of your origins - your Mum and Dad and extended family, neighbours, old friends.

Dad's 2nd wife is not part of that circle, in fact she helped to collapse your nuclear family alongside "Dear" Dad. Time for him to use his diplomatic skills - come alone, behave graciously on your Daughter's special day (quietly reflect on his shortcomings). If that's so painful, he doesn't need to stay till the early hours. But behave like an adult!

No it’s not remotely the same dilemma as William’s mum wasn’t still alive.

What would hurt more, her presence or his absence?
Setting aside his behaviour to your mother, has he been a good father to you?
What does your mother think?

This is a very complex on the face of it, but at the end of the day it's your day, your wedding. You're entitled to invite who you want. Neither of your parents should pressure you on this score. Your choices are:

• Invite both parents, but not your father's partner
• Invite both parents and your father's partner

If your father doesn't come because you didn't invite his partner that's on him. If your mother doesn't come because you're father's partner is invited that's on your mother.

Based on the little you've told us I would not invite the partner, and probably I'd not invite your father either. He is the root cause of this, because he choose to have an affair. He disrespected your mother and broke up the marriage. She's clearly better off without him. It would be different if they had split up and then he met his partner.

One thing you have not mentioned. How is your relationship with your father?

I'm afraid you are mis-remembering.

Diana always said "There were three of us in this marriage."

Charles and Camilla were together on and off from the 1970s. She was referred to as 'the most hated woman in Britain' by the press for - frankly - decades.

Not really. A wedding celebrates bringing two families together. And new spouses and children are part of that.

Truthfully OP your parents and the OW are all behaving badly here - they are all putting their own wants before you.

I think I’d elope it’s the only real solution.