AIBU to feel uncomfortable if my child invites their father's mistress?

[Zoobaloo]

Looking for perspectives on the following:

Would you attend your adult DC’s wedding if they had invited their father’s mistress? Would it change if the affair was years ago? Would you feel disrespected?

Oh im so sorry. He hurt your mum and now he hurts you…what a selfish man. If anyone said they wouldn’t come to my wedding unless they got their own way, against what they knew I wanted, their invite would be rescinded.

My ex had an affair with a good friend of mine ( not the first as I found out afterwards!) and married her as soon as we were divorced. Even though this was over 25 years ago I still haven’t forgiven either of them. It’s not so much our divorce but the way it happened and how my children were treated afterwards, they were not really welcomed to stay at their new house, never went on holiday with them and her daughter ( same age as my daughter and at same school) bullied my daughter for years.

However, I knew that in time my children would accept the situation especially as they grew up as they did want a relationship with their father. So I’ve had to be at a few family events when they were both there but I just ignore them, as do my brothers and sisters. We are not rude, just don’t engage with them and my siblings make sure I’m not upset.

it’s not ideal but it’s one way of dealing with the situation, it’s been so long now and I’m not prepared to waste my time being emotional, I just live my own life. In reality they have now been married as long as I was to him and I know he thinks we should have a friendly relationship now but I’m not interested.

Very easy one. You invite your dad, on his own and explain it’s his choice if he doesn’t want to attend, if he’d prefer to choose his wife over his child.

Then that's his decision.

Tell him it's a shame and you'll miss him and go and enjoy the day with your mum. Your father sounds like an incredibly selfish and entitled man but I guess that tracks with a man who was having multiple affairs. Harsh but true..

Sounds to me as though your dad has always put himself first regardless of your or your mum’s feelings.

Time to take back control of the power he’s had over you. I’d put myself and my mum first in the scenario. If he wants to come alone that’s up to him but he doesn’t get to decide how you conduct your own wedding.

It boils my blood that some men think they can dictate everything and have the control. Sod him (and the horrible wife).

I hope you have a wonderful wedding op.

In that case if that's what YOU think, don't invite her. It's your dad chucking his toys out the pram, not your mum. Your instincts are obviously to be loyal to her.

On balance I wouldn’t invite her but I would try to explain why, and do something separate with them another time. I would make it clear that he’s still welcome but you will understand if he can’t come. I’d really hope that your dad and his new wife would understand how difficult this is.

You may well have a downturn in your relationship with your dad but IMO that’s better than ruining the day for your mum.

I wouldn't invite her, if your dad doesn't come that's his choice.

I say know yourself and regardless of any threats what do you want? and who do you want there the most.

For me no way would she be attending and if I had to fall out with either parent it would be the Dad in this situation.

MIL's affair partner/current husband was not invited to any of her kids' weddings or GC baptisms as FIL was uncomfortable with it. She did mention that she wanted him there but ultimately it was a product of her decision so she didnt get a choice.

I dont dislike step FIL but DH chose to prioritise his DDad's comfort over the new bloke. It was actually really nice for DH as DH got to see his parents have a nice conversation and get on a little bit which wouldn't have happened otherwise.

Talk to your mum and dad, separately, first. Explain the dilemma. While bearing in mind this won't go away over the years - christenings, birthday parties - it's going to recur at every family gathering.

Not having your dad there is going to be hard too (even if he is being an arse).

I had this and yes she was invited. She was my Dad's partner of 15 years.
Punishing someone all those years later seems pointless to me, for something that really wasn't about me. By making it about me.
I wouldn't have expected my dad to come without her. Are you ready to sacrifice the relationship with your dad to avenge your DM?

Nothing would stop me going to my child's wedding. Your dad says his new wife is family now but she's not your family . Remember this is your wedding day and do what you are comfortable with not try to please others

OP has mentioned the new wife makes nasty comments about her DM, present tense. Ongoing behaviour does make it different to something firmly in the past. You'd have to worry whether she was going to start running her mouth, nobody wants that on their wedding day.

It his decision to not attend your wedding. It’s your decision to invite whoever you want. I had something similar with my parents. My dad would be invited to Christmas and birthdays, his first question was, will your mother be there? He would then decline, if she was. He was the one having an affair, so I thought I was being generous inviting him in the first place. OP, as your mother, I would be extremely upset if this woman was invited and in view of the name calling etc both you and your DM will be on tenterhooks all day.

You really have no clue how affairs affect people, or perhaps you were the OW in a marriage break up?

You and your mother were his “family” when he totally disrespected you both and had an affair.
It is your wedding day and invite who you want. If he pulls a stroll about her not being invited, let him.

My DF didn’t attend my wedding in similar circumstances.

He continued to be desperately selfish and put his own needs first until the day he died. He didn’t even see any of his grandchildren. It was tough and it’s sad, but it was all choices he made.

This. You don’t want anyone at your wedding who is already known to be a trouble causer, especially if there’s a chance she would be cruel to your mum, of all people. Invite your dad without her, and if he doesn’t go, that’s on him. This is entirely a problem of his making, after all. After all the heartache that’s been caused you would think your dad’s partner would have some self-awareness (especially as you don’t get on with her) but she wants to go anyway, so I don’t think it bodes well for her behaviour on the day.

Similar happened in our family - when bil and sil got married he invited both his mum and his dad (albeit with new partner). It was a good couple of decades since they had split, new partner wasn’t the affair partner.

Mil refused to go to the wrong on the basis of ‘I don’t want to see that man and if you loved me you wouldn’t’ Bil refused to pick sides, said he would do his best to keep them in different places for the wedding but it was quite a small wedding so he couldn’t guarantee that she wouldn’t see ex fil.

She refused to come to the wedding, got very hurt and upset by it all and couldn’t believe that bil held to inviting both parents. And of course Bill was very upset that she didn’t come.

our wedding was the next family one and again we said both parents are invited. But ours was a bit bigger so we could say e would do our best to avoid milk needing to be near fil so she did decide to come having realised that she had been so sad to miss the other wedding. But then bil didn’t come as he was so upset that his mum was coming to our wedding but hadn’t come to his…

think the moral of the story is to invite who you want to be there - if you don’t want your dad’s new wife there then don’t invite her but it’s up to him whether he turns up - and if he doesn’t then shame on him.

Hope you have a great day and many congratulations!

If she was his wife and had tried to be a member of the family and get on with everyone then maybe, but multiple affairs and bad-mouthing your mother after helping break up your family, then no way! Your mum would have a horrible day and she's the one you need to prioritise here. Your dad made his decision long ago and can now face the consequences! Good luck.

Well speaking metaphorically, wild horses would keep OP's dad from attending his child's wedding, the wild horses being his second wife not being invited.

This woman has been actively mean and insulting to and about about OP's mum (apparently she has behaved like 'a teenager in high school') so no wonder OP is so reluctant to invite her. It's her dad who is making ultimatums about not attending his own daughter's wedding if his current wife isn't invited.

Affair or no, anyone who insulted my mother wouldn't be welcome at my wedding.

@Zoobaloo do you have any kind of relationship with Dad’s new wife/former Affair Partner? On what you’ve said so far, sounds like you don’t, so I would not let my Dad manipulate you into inviting her by threatening not to come. How are things between you and his wife?

On the other hand, depending on how things are, it may be that your Mum has to be the bigger person. But I need a little more background really.

On the basis of your response here, no don't invite her. It's your wedding, you don't like her and given the history there's a high chance she will actively try to ruin the occasion for your Mum.

Tell your Dad he's welcome, she is not invited and it's up to him whether he chooses to attend or not.