AIBU to feel uncomfortable if my child invites their father's mistress?

[Zoobaloo]

Looking for perspectives on the following:

Would you attend your adult DC’s wedding if they had invited their father’s mistress? Would it change if the affair was years ago? Would you feel disrespected?

My adult daughter gets married next year and myself and DH are in affair recovery.
But if things had gone the other way and he had left me for her, then been invited as a couple next year, it would floor me.
I have to be honest, it would floor me.
I would go, of course I would, because she’s my daughter.
I wouldn’t sway my daughter to make a decision either, as it’s her big day.
But there’s no denying just how hard that would be.

Yanbu to feel uncomfortable but yabu to not attend your childs wedding if they're going too. I understand that it's painful being cheated on but show up for your childs big day an don't put them in the awkward position of picking sides, don't be that parent. This issue is between yourself, the ex and their partner/former mistress it's nothing to do with your child. You don't have to speak to them, if in the unlikely event they approach you, walk away and ignore.

You don't like her. She's nasty. You don't want her at your wedding or in your life in the future.
If you invite just your Dad and he refuses, it's job done now and the bad feeling can be dealt with way before your wedding day. If you invite DD and his wife, the drama and upset will go on and on and the worry that she'll spoil the day with her nasty comments will cast a cloud over the whole thing.

If is she is actively unpleasant towards your mother, it seems best she doesn't come

Loads of marriages have ended with one or the other partner cheating, sometimes whilst the non-cheating partner behaves very unreasonably, or even violently.
The OP isn't in a unique situation, plenty of other people will be in this situation every day.
I've been married a long time, and we are lucky, but let's not pretend cheating is some unique or rare crime.

This.

I get that some posters sucked it up and were brave on the day etc etc but @Zoobaloo mum is clearly not ready to do that especially as this woman has been unkind to her post affair. Some women are vicious to the betrayed partner post affair even though they got their prince. Ultimately, sucking it up and dealing ONLY benefits this man and the woman who has been unkind to @Zoobaloo
mother as @Zoobaloo does not like her or wants a relationship with her. It’s a clear choice.

Hard no and if he can’t put your wedding first for a few hours and attend by himself then I wouldn’t worry about it.
Send him the invite in his name only, it’s up to him then if he wants to come.
Hopefully he’ll come up the ceremony if nothing else.
It would be completely different if he and your Mum had separated, he then met someone and married etc
Instead they chose to sneak around multiple times and cause loads of heartache.
Actions have consequences, why on earth would you want one half of the cause of all that misery there on your special day when you don’t have to.

After reading your explanation I vote, yanbu You invite who you want to your wedding. Your results won't read right if people have voted based solely on the original post.
If Dad is trying to blackmail you with his presence then he will lose out.

I wouldn’t.
Your Mum has had enough shit thrown at her. I wouldn’t want to rub her face in it.
I would tell him she’s not invited. It’s his choice whether to attend or not.

Did I say it was unique or rare?

Just send the invite to him only. If he declines then so be it. You’re only civil anyway.

The parents shouldn’t make weddings about them. He should either come alone or not at all. I hope he’s respectful of this.

Wild horses would never keep me from my child's wedding. There can be times in life when we have to be the bigger person, stick a smile on our face and get on with it.

Absolutely this, and I’d belling him that in a letter if he declines! Did you go to his wedding to the mistress?

That would be a hard no from me.
your dad sounds like a prick, and I’m surprised you want him there at all to be honest.

tell him that he doesn’t get to decide she “is family now”. He already had a family, and he screwed his family up by choosing to shag around; he’s not screwing your wedding up by bringing someone you cannot stand, and is a reminder of all the pain he caused (and not just to your mum).

If he cares about you at all, he will suck it up, and come alone. If he is refusing to do that, then he is (once again) making it very clear where his loyalty lies.

I hope you manage to have a lovely wedding

I wouldnt give that bitch the satisfaction of missing my child's wedding. She'd love it if you didnt go.
Go and hold your head high. Your daughter is probably feeling like piggy in the middle in this scenario and is very uncomfortable about it all. I expect she doesnt want her dad not to go.

Her dad will have to choose whether to upset his wife or daughter! If he goes without his wife she will understandably be upset and if he doesn’t go he’s upsetting his daughter!
As I explained I’m a second wife and while I’d be upset to not be invited I’d understand the reasons and I’d be encouraging DH to go for his daughter’s sake. Not all second wives would take that stance, so her dad is in a difficult position especially if his daughter is low contact with him!

Of course sheshould be invited. She's not his mistress, she's his wife, and the OP's stepmother. It is simply good manners to invite the spouses of guests. One would hope that all parties could be civil, for the sake of the bride and groom (ie the people who actually matter here).

No way I'd invite someone who called my Mum names, plus she sounds like the sort of person that would make drama at your wedding. I wouldn't be able to cope with the stress. Let your Mum do a parent of the bride speech if your Dad digs his heels in and won't come.

One thing you need to keep in mind - dad might not come if she’s not invited. When my SIL married my brother, she didn’t invite her dad’s wife (former mistress) and her dad ultimately said he wasn’t coming (pretty last minute). My dad ended up walking her down the aisle. It was a lovely day though, everyone had a nice time but she was definitely a bit upset especially considering it was last min.

If my dad had done that, I wouldn’t speak to him anyway so neither of them would be invited, but you do need to consider if you’d be okay with him not coming.

EDIT: Just seen she called your mum names… nah don’t invite her. Anyone who was rude to my mama like that wouldn’t be able to come anywhere near me for their own safety.

You got over the affair snd are still married i am assuming ????

why is mistress invited

if you are divorced you need therapy snd s head wobble if its your ex husband's partner

@CinnamonBuns67 @Neveranynamesleft @Pedant61

The benefit of reading all of @Zoobaloo's updates may inform you differently?

Commenting, without reading the full thread, totally distorts the veracity of it

Read the whole thread. eta; at the very least all of @Zoobaloo's updates

The point here is, you don't like her. So you shouldn't invite her to your wedding.

If your dad is saying he will refuse to come if his wife isn't invited he doesn't deserve an invite. He's blackmailing you. Hardly surprising that a man who had multiple affairs isn't able to prioritise his daughter on her own wedding day.