AIBU to feel uncomfortable if my child invites their father's mistress?

[Zoobaloo]

Looking for perspectives on the following:

Would you attend your adult DC’s wedding if they had invited their father’s mistress? Would it change if the affair was years ago? Would you feel disrespected?

If you don't want a relationship with her then don't invite her. Next she will be coming your kids birthday parties. Better to nip it in the bud now.

I would think it depends on whether you have a relationship with the other woman and if you want her at your wedding.

Why can't the OP's dad be asked to come alone?

He isn't being asked to make a permanent choice between his wife and his daughter - he is being asked to put his daughter's wishes first on her wedding day. That isn't an unreasonable expectation.

Years ago, he made a choice between his wife and another woman. He chose the other woman. So I see no big deal in asking him to choose his daughter now, for this one day.

He should but it sounds like he won't. It's her wedding Day and if she wants both parents there it sounds like she has to involve other woman. I just think it's her day and while he is behaving badly she shouldn't have the heartache of her father not being there.

I've been betrayed and I still wouldn't make someone else's wedding about myself. Relationships end, often messily, and life goes on.

Your dad is being selfish here making it all about him. You are under no obligation to invite her .

Does your mum have a partner? If she does and he's coming to the wedding I think they should be able to all be there if you want both your parents present. If she's still on her own that does make it a little more complicated and i think you'll have to accept your dad probably won't be there.

Then why would you even consider inviting her? Just don’t.

My sons wedding was his not mine
I loathed my ex and his new wife and he had turned our lives upside down My attitude after he left me was to hit back by living my best life It was only a few weeks earlier i had become disabled after osteoporosis caused bones to collapse in my leg
I put my best face on dressed as glamorously as possible given i had plaster up to the hip Chucked pain killers down in good quantity Revelled in being carried up the stairs of a castle by hunky paramedics my son had hired smiled widely to all guests except them I did a reading as requested I then had absolute ball with all of my sons friends one of whom sat on my lap in my wheelchair at the reception larking about Did outrageous wheelchair dances and had fun despite hurting deeply inside They hung around like a couple of wet lettuces and no one really wanted to engage with them Sometimes you have to rise above it and be the better person and people wil rally around you

It’s also a really special day for your mum; I wouldn’t. It’s up to your dad whether he comes, but in this instance, I think your mum’s feelings take priority.

Congratulations!

Does your mum have a new partner and will she be bringing them? I assume you don't like this woman either by the way you refer to her as a mistress when they are married. If you feel strongly about it I guess your dad won't be going to the wedding.

In my view the parent making the ultimatum should be the one left out, if anything. I don’t think you have to invite dad’s wife if you don’t want to. When did he leave your mum?

Maybe not a popular view on Mumsnet but you're choosing to take sides in your parents divorce. Mummy is a saint, Stepmummy is a whore. An unlikely scenario but you'll get plenty of wronged women here who'll agree with you.

If it bothers you and you have no interest in having a future relationship with her then invite your father and not her. He won't come, and if she wrote an aibu saying 'my SD won't allow me to come to the wedding' then she'd be told that he should be on her side.

You've taken your Mother's side and your relationship is over with your Father. You can't control his personal life but you think you can. Move on, and have a life without him. Don't cry when you find his will leaves everything to the second wife.

She’s his family. He can invite her to his events. She isn’t your family. You don’t have to invite her to your events.

Well then tell him thats fine, dont come.

Personally, I think he should fall on the sword of discomfort he created. He can do what he likes but he cant expect the world to like it.

It would be an easy decision for me. Dad you are welcome at the wedding but your partner is not as it will upset my Mum and therefore cast a shadow on the day. <fin>

Wow.

I agree, except wouldn't make it about upsetting DM. Locate the blame firmly around the new wife's behavioural choices. She's not coming because of the things she's said. Actions have consequences.

I am so sorry your father is doing this to you @Zoobaloo.

It is your wedding, and your wishes are paramount. I would have expected a good father to understand why you wouldn't want his mistress there, and why it would cause you stress.

Frankly, is he worth having there if he is going to put his wants above your happiness again?

I wouldn’t make it about your mum feeling uncomfortable to your dad. I’d simply say, I do not consider your wife family and the way she has behaved is unforgivable so I don’t want her at my wedding. I’d love for you to come, if not no problem.

She's not asking him to choose anyone.

She's inviting her father to her wedding.

That's it!

The rest is on the dad and he's being absolutely unreasonable.

Good advice for the mother though!

Ok now I get it, its your wedding and not your kid's. I think in that case its totally up to you. If it was me, and only from what you have told us I'd say to your father that he is not wanted full stop.....but I am hardline on marital cheating.

Your mother needs to realise that she is there to support you at your wedding. There will be many occasions in the future if you have children where both of your parents will be attending. Your Dm cannot change the past, but she can ensure that the future is positive.
I didn’t see my ex for years and we eventually met up again at DDs wedding, both of us with our new spouses. Yes it was awkward, but I knew how important it was for my DD to have us both there, being civil to each other. Now she has children, there’s many occasions when all parents and spouses are present, and we manage to get along politely.

My advice - speak to your DM and tell her that it’s so important to you that both parents are there, that your DFs wife will be invited and you hope she can understand your feelings.

Sounds like you cant keep both happy so suit yourself, dont invite dad's partner because you don't like her and you aren't that close to dad just civil. If he doesn't come it has less impact on you than if you feel you have disrespected your mum. Also because your dad is the one threatening not to come, I wouldnt give in to that behaviour at the expense of my mum.

The only way dad's partner would be invited is if i was close to her and she is a lovely person. In your situation absolutely not.

Mummy may not be a saint, but unless its a drip feed she didn't cheat in the marriage. Not all marriages last but as i said I am hardline on marital infidelity.