Is this Mumsnet for me? Shocked at responses

[Su9]

Are there no group rules here about swearing, bring unkind, basic courtesy?
Is there no admin or moderator, or is this the kind of group everyone wants and the admin is facilitating?
There are some great responses that offer food for thought, while several others are plain ugly.
People presumably write in for support and advice, so how on earth do they feel when people chuck these ugly retorts?
I'm deciding whether to leave or stay.

I sometimes think it would be nice to have a function to block certain posters.
I'd start with any poster who uses the word 'frothing' (as in, they disagree with the poster).

Kindness is more likely to solve a problem than unkindness in my experience.

Well yes, that's true. But the opposite of 'BeKind' doesn't have to be 'BeUnkind' does it?

And here's me thinking "frothing" was part of the process in making a cappuccino! 😉

there are one or two I'd like to block but on balance this is a great place to learn to just scroll on by and ignore.

it depends on your definition of kindness....too often on here some posters mean "be a total doormat" when they say "be kind"

Exactly there has been at least 3 that have been dragged up.

@Su9 Have you gone yet?

Also a symptom of rabies.

Yes, you begin to recognise certain user names. I can think of a few who always come in with a shockingly nasty comment from the start - they haven't been provoked, they just like to inject a bit of poison. And there's a bad-tempered one I often get picked on by, but I honestly think they must be bitter, sad, frustrated people who sit at their keyboards just waiting to attack - and it's probably what they live for. Sad human beings.

Another type is the sort who (like young teenagers) like to show off their sweariness. Yeah yeah yeah - we can swear, we're grown ups. Yawn. I'm not saying no-one should swear, but I think on an internet forum where you can't pick up on signs such as facial expression or tone of voice, you need to err on the side of calmness and civility. What might come over as a bit of banter in face-to-face chat can seem aggressive and hostile in black and white.

But on the whole, if your comments are sensible the sensible people will respond well and you just have to ignore the idiots.

Also, speaking plainly is sometimes the kindest thing to do in the long run.

I don't really do definitions when something is already defined. Try Oxford or Cambridge dictionaries - that's what I refer to if in doubt.
Have a good day 😉

Very good, but the majority of people on MN will not have experienced the symptoms of rabies and are likely to be more familiar with coffee shops!

There are some people on here that seem to use it as a way to be nasty behind a screen. You just have to scroll past. Yesterday I got told I was unreasonable and ‘manufacturing drama’ because I refused to explain my medical condition (spinal cord injury caused by extremely traumatic circumstances) to a lady who was shouting at me to give her the priority seat on the train 😂.

Another type is the sort who (like young teenagers) like to show off their sweariness. Yeah yeah yeah - we can swear, we're grown ups. Yawn. I'm not saying no-one should swear, but I think on an internet forum where you can't pick up on signs such as facial expression or tone of voice, you need to err on the side of calmness and civility. What might come over as a bit of banter in face-to-face chat can seem aggressive and hostile in black and white.

I really agree with this. Why is the swearing necessary? There is, as you say, a sense of showing off/muscling with it - and also, I find, it often gets hauled out when they are struggling to make a point convincingly without it.

If you write the word kind any more op it will lose all meaning.

as much as I agree posters can be brutal, I do abhor the be kind nonsense, it’s a way to ensure women stay in their box and behave like good little girls. So I feel thay honesty, expresses without anger or malice is important, but I do not agree eveyrghing needs to be dipped in kindness nor do I agree women should consistently be told to Behave in such a way,

I would say if you’re particularly sensitive and a massive fan of be kind, then likely this is not the forum for you. There are many millions of people on here, 10 or 11 I think, who will express their views as they see fit.

it is a massive forum and you do not need to announce a departure, or try to chide members into behaving in a way you deem appropriate,

I agree. Or if we have quite nice don’t hurt anyone’s feelings conversations with friends rather than direct. Or use humour a lot.

I see some posters on here saying people are being horrible and have to check back. Sometimes it can mean you aren’t pandering and telling me I’m right. People are very often not honest in real life as they don’t want conflict.

of course some people are awful because they are unhappy and it gives them a dopamine hit.

How many male-oriented, or just pretty much evenly mixed sex, forums have you visited to lecture people about "kindness"?

Do you want us to #bekind or do you want us to do as you say?

People are very often not honest in real life as they don’t want conflict.

I think this is actually at the heart of MN and why it is even useful.

There is a greater inclination to honesty on here. For me, this is best illustrated by baby name threads, where, I think, people are usually genuinely wanting honest opinions.

I would never, could never, be as direct IRL if a friend asked me, so I guess that's why they come here: to know what people really think.

Other predicaments are harder. Sometimes with relationship advice etc people project so much of their own situation that the advice is honest but not necessarily objective. I guess there is no way round that.

But a very straightforward question such as "what do you think of this dress?" can generate useful honesty I think, even if a little spicily expressed!

I can only think of one time my post was deleted and it was for saying a heavily pregnant lady wanting to wear a very pink all-in-one jumpsuit to a wedding might risk looking like Miss Piggy. The Op got very upset indeed and had it deleted, but it was an honestly-given warning!

Sometimes, though, I think ops do get much-needed support.

@Su9 i understand where you are coming from. I had years of nastiness on here. And I mean nastiness not people that disagreed, not people that were just a bit blunt. Not tough love.. theres nasty comments. People twist what you say. Add things you never said. then other people join in. Follow me over MN even with name changes because people's recognise how i write .And it gos on and on. I have had people completely change my situation. Add things leave things out so that I look like an awful person. It effected me quite badly in the end. I felt totally out of control snd completely lost . I had to take a break. I didn't eat for 42 days. I was over weight anyway. So I didn't get skinny but lost quite a bit. I did decide to carry on losing weight though so I guess something positive came out of it.

Then in threads like this people say things like if its upsetting you that much you should leave. No i don't agree why should somone be forced to leave because people choose to be nasty. Imagine people bring really nasty abd then getting told to leave then you sit there totally alone with everything thats just been said to you. No where to turn to.

And people do post for advice or share sensitive situations. Because they have no one in real life I see so many people on here who say get therapy it seens to br thrown in so casually. Like everyone can afford it like uts the obvious thing to do. Theres an assumption that everyone can afford to just get therapy. No mumsnet is an alternative to therapy. But sometimes people jusy want to talk sound of. Talk about their situation.

I have seens lots of posters say situations cant be true must be a troll or that the poster is a lying awful person. Why? Because it hasn't happend to them? Because it hasn't happened to people they know?

Then there's the people saying most thing are not true on here. Yes there will be made up stuff on here its the Internet. But there's also stuff that is true. But people would rather pile on be nasty incase it's not.

Reporting doesn't always work. I think it depends who reads it. Sometimes they dont see the context or history. Sometimes I get torn between Reporting the nastiness or leaving it. Because i have already read it. It doesn't go away mentally because its deleted. And then it protects the person that said it.

I now have to name change all the time i get chatgpt to rewrite what I post on mumsnet so I'm not recognised so easily. I do write myself some times like I have for this thread. But this username will only be used once for this thread then I will change.

Sorry its so long and for any typos and for shitty spelling and shitty grammar 🙃

I like the directness - sometimes I need the vipers to give me a kick up the arse/ reality check rather than just agreeing with me, I don’t want people to be kind, I want them to be honest

I'm sorry.

It is true that sometimes the robust responses are insensitive to the situation, and it is awful hearing it put like you have put it here.

Except @Alwayshasbeen19 isn't talking about robust talking.
She is talking about people being downright awful, hunting her diwn through threads etc….

Id love to see more people realise the impact they have.
The ‘robust discussion’, the ‘if you can’t take it, just leave’ are just ways to avoid responsibility of posters’ actions. Of the pile on. Of the nastiness. Of twisting things, hunting people down etc….
Some self awareness from a lot of the posyers would go a long way.

Yes, and you do see people enjoying "cornering" an OP.

The hunting down is bizarre - and clearly a problem with those sorts of posters.

You can be kind and honest.
Why on earth do you think those two incompatible?

Being uncomfortable when someone tells you some truth is not the same as the uncomfortable feeling you get when someone is unkind and uncaring.