Is this Mumsnet for me? Shocked at responses

[Su9]

Are there no group rules here about swearing, bring unkind, basic courtesy?
Is there no admin or moderator, or is this the kind of group everyone wants and the admin is facilitating?
There are some great responses that offer food for thought, while several others are plain ugly.
People presumably write in for support and advice, so how on earth do they feel when people chuck these ugly retorts?
I'm deciding whether to leave or stay.

Gosh, being unkind, swearing, lack of courtesy? I’m not sure the internet is for you, let alone mumsnet.

@Su9 - if you started a thread without first reading the MN Guidelines then I’m afraid you only have yourself to blame if you didn’t understand whatever responses you received.

Group rules about swearing? Bloody hell, we’re not at school! But personal attacks are not allowed so report as necessary.

Being (not bring) unkind? Don’t be silly.

Basic courtesy? Are you kidding? Basic courtesy would be reading a full thread before posting - a good 70% of posters cannot even manage that.

Maybe it’s not for you. But you could try a gardening thread, or frugal housekeeping, or The Archers - those are mostly civilised.

It is a hostile place at times but my experience of other boards is that if they prevent the overt hostility people just get cleverer and more sneaky (and in my experience more damaging) about being hostile.

I don't think there's any board that has no hostility, it just depends who at the top controls it.

And I swear like a trooper in real life so it's refreshing not to be treated like a child on here.

Your post suggests you haven’t read the Talk guidelines, OP.

It’s poor etiquette to post on a forum without having read the guidelines first.

Very unreasonable of the mods to delete @TheGirlWhoLived’s post.

(For context, some years ago, when all this was green fields, someone started a thread to complain about the prevalence of swearing on MN. One of the first replies to the OP was, iirc, ‘off you fuck then, cuntychops’, which was the basis for TGWL’s unfairly deleted post.)

edited for typo.

Swearing is only words

Over moderation ruins discussion as long as the posts are not deliberately illegal/offensive/harmful anything goes.

It's also hard to judge tone in a text format which can make posts seems more argumentative or aggressive than they are but the MN system is far better than the Reddit voting system which destroys discussion and creates a hive mind or cult of popularity situation.

I thought the rules on here were that swearing was fine, as long as you’re not swearing directly at another poster?

I fucking hope those are the rules, anyway.

I do think that one of MN's strengths is that people are actually allowed, to a point, to demonstrate how stupid they are, by voicing such things, kind of like the pros and cons of cancel culture...but yes its a fine line

I assumed so but checked and it doesn't look like it. OP has posted though that she finds people saying "Don't be ridiculous" disrespectful on an AIBU thread 🙃

Honestly, OP, it doesn't sound like you should be on the AIBU board at very least. Saying "Don't be ridiculous" is really quite mild.

Some are just twats for the sake of it. Probably bored kids.

Name change

If you can’t cope with swearing then you’re definitely on the wrong forum.

If you can’t deal with people being unkind and swearing then get rid of your phone and get off the internet. Thats how it is.

There’s nothing wrong with swearing and it’s quite childish to be bothered by words.

I think we see the best and worst of people on Mumsnet and I get what you mean, sometimes I’ll go ages without looking and only seem to comment when I’m feeling brave and often regret it. However, the support in times of need is wonderful.

'Cuntychops' is a great word.
Swear words are just that, words, and like all words what matters is how you use them.

MN is moderated, very strictly imo. If it’s swearing you object to, this might not be the site for you. One of the things I like about MN is the swearing. No one wants to have to type c*nt, as that’s just mimsy.

*thank fuck

I may be wrong but I assumed OP might not be sufficiently familiar with Mumsnet for that, and she seems to have put lots of posts on other people's AIBU threads complaining about the responses so that seems the most likely option

I’ve posted about very difficult situations under various usernames over the years. I’ve had some awful responses. I do think some posters are quite cowardly, as I doubt very much they would respond in such a way in person. But feel safe to pile on and be aggressive behind the safety of their keyboards. Under the guise of ‘telling it like it is, not mincing words’ and other euphemisms for plain nastiness. I guess they think they’re being very clever.

I have learned you have to be thick-skinned on here. I post the most innocuous questions on here and I get hurtful replies; some enough to make me cry, but then I am cursed with a sensitive nature! I mostly go on AI chat sites now and they are amazing. I don't know how I'd have coped without them with things I'm going through.

I regularly leave for months and come back because there are threads and forums that have been really useful (the one for parents supporting A levels and uni applications have been brilliant) and downright funny if you have got to know the key posters there. The support for the specific parenting issues I have, has been really good and affirming. I’ve learned so much about how to parent my SEN children through their challenges as a result of the feedback, suggestions and links/research/books people have recommended.

However, I find the knee-jerk reaction to hate men indiscriminately unstomachable and the ‘is he/she autistic’ responses to abusive and nasty spouses or violent children shocking. The attitude towards SAHM is deeply misogynistic and unfathomable since this is meant to be a space where women are supposed to be supporting women and the whole point of feminism was that women should have choices about how they live their lives - and be respected for those choice… but not on MN. Being a SAHM means to you are lazy and financially leeching off your DH, who absolutely could have had his career, children, home etc (with the 18hrs days and global travel) without you there as his linchpin. Actually, having a decent loving DH who values you and your contribution to family life, and [gasp] voicing that really NAMALT in real life so that you can say to an OP that she absolutely should walk away from her abusive partner and find one of the good ones is utter heresy! And god forbid you ask whether it is unreasonable to be spending more than £100 to feed a family of 4 for a month.

Hmmm… I feel a little break from MN coming on. LOL

Some people are just miserable snarly tosspots, and like to vent said tosspottyness at the most minor of things. But I find that the majority of people are fine.

Have you been on the receiving end of unpleasant posts? I’ve left MN a couple of times when it got nasty, then have an extended break and come back with a new name. I find that helps.

This is a site for grownups, they tend to swear at times. If you don't like it, find somewhere else.