Is this Mumsnet for me? Shocked at responses

[Su9]

Are there no group rules here about swearing, bring unkind, basic courtesy?
Is there no admin or moderator, or is this the kind of group everyone wants and the admin is facilitating?
There are some great responses that offer food for thought, while several others are plain ugly.
People presumably write in for support and advice, so how on earth do they feel when people chuck these ugly retorts?
I'm deciding whether to leave or stay.

No there doesn’t appear to be. Apparently really the only thing you’re not allowed to do is suggest that a post isn’t real. Usually the posts that have thousands of replies.

I'm deciding whether to leave or stay

This just amuses me. It's as if it'd a big, difficult existential decision. As if once you leave, you can never come back. 😄

I'm not that sympathetic because on the whole, some of the forums on Mumsnet give such good advice. There are some batshit responses, but on the whole, it's really good.

Yes, which is why people advise them to not have more kids - to improve their future options.

What happens sometimes is that someone will wait to be first to reply to a post with a very mean response… it’s like a sport.. … and it often, but not always sets the tone and loads of folk jump on based on that nasty reply to ‘sink the boot in’ so to speak

I suppose swearing just shouldn't really be necessary to make a point.

OP, I think MN has got much snakier in recent times. People pounce at the slightest provocation. There were always threads that kind of ran off course getting catty or becoming a pile on, but very few now don't. There are also more and more ops who post in AIBU only to refuse to accept they are BU. It's like they think it is really called "Vent in an Echo Chamber." And some things get posted there that should be elsewhere as telling them they are BU isn't fair.

It would actually be interesting to know why. Cost of living? Heatwaves?

The site and its income thrives on traffic and 'click' subjects.
Up to a degree, spirited debate is allowed as it brings more clicks/revenue and MN is now dominated by adverts.

personal nasty attacks are not allowed.

But there is a bit of a blurred line sometimes.

I take exception at reading the word 'c..t as I don't like hearing it or seeing it anywhere and least of all on a site for women, predominantly.

@scalt

You forgot transpeople.

In my experience the mods are quite precious and will suspend accounts at the drop of a hat.

There are people on MN who just enjoy upsetting others...it's obvious with some posters. Others just believe certain things and dont want to look at it from any other point of view. But a lot of people have particular knowledge and /or experience and have useful things to say. You can usually tell what kind of poster you are reading and you can take the useful stuff and ignore the rubbish.

That’s a dance group from TOTP, isn’t it?

I remember a health visitor on MN saying “I tell people not to go to MN for advice, it’s so confrontational”.

And in 2020, MN had to be seen to be believed. It was truly vile.

Was that around covid topics?

This was my first post, and only cos I couldn't find an admin email to ask my question privately.
I've responded to some posts, with the intention of genuinely offering a different perspective, where it may help an OP
Yes, I used to swear a lot, so did Jerry Seinfeld, until we each (separately) realized it added no value to conversation or humour.
No, I didn't change my name, and thankfully I'm on grps that seldom have ugly responses; they value kindness.
We all choose either...
a) To be part of the cocksure, ugly, reactive, sorry new 'culture', (hopefully these people wouldn't say such things in person but are trigger happy on the keyboard).
b) Or we choose to remain true to our own values, mainly kindness and courtesy, and say something if we can offer value or keep quiet and keep scrolling.
Anyway, this is your group, I'm new, time to explore healthier pastures. It makes me too sad to read unthought-through, endless attacks on an OP or her husband etc.
If you were hurt when you posted here, may I suggest you move on too, because there really are people who are evolved, kind and want to help. Don't just leave and rejoin under another name?? The internet is huge; this is 1 tiny corner and the negative responders feed off each other.
All the best to us all in our (I think) quest to live our best lives, and be our best selves.

I agree with OP…I joined this forum when I was pregnant with my little boy and honestly sometimes the cruelty really takes me aback. I’ve read some lovely, thoughtful and helpful responses too but I’ll never understand the urge to kick someone while they are down.

@AnonyMumAuDHD that's funny.

My friend C was in Pans People!

My comment was about the huge anger around transpeople. I don't think you can change sex and I have personal experience of a family member choosing a gender in their teenage years. However there is never any support for women in this difficult position and the mother gets told to throw them out or cut off all friendships. It's heartbreaking enough.
Total bun fights @scalt (I was once ticked off for using the term bun fight as it was twee).

Many answers are unnecessarily harsh.
They are not robust answers. They are putting the poster down for something they can’t change. Like ‘why on earth have you married and had a kid with that arsehole?’
It’s not something that can be changed. It doesn’t help the OP nor does it give an answer to whatever question they had.

Nany answers are sexist, ableist or racist. Like recently a poster saying they wouldn’t be happy if their child was marrying a crippled. Meaning a disabled person. Post is standing though.

And many comments are left because it’s not really personal when clearly the intent is to put the person down.

So yes I’m reading. I’m still posting and I hope some of my answers are helpful. I wouldn’t start a thread, especially if the issue is sensitive for me (which it will likely be if I’m posting)

Farewell, brave traveller. May you find a land where no one swears, everyone agrees, and unicorns moderate the threads.

My observation is the reluctance to believe new posters are new posters. There's also the long running MNers who like to get it in how long they have been posting, as though that's meant to elevate their status. Nobody is better than anyone else on an anonymous forum or though you wouldn't think so on most threads.

Oh @Su9- you are one of those dull people who think words not emotions behind them matter. Oh you’ve stopped swearing, well done , have you stopped caring about things or have you just stopped expressing anger or passion?

Usually the people saying #bekind are the biggest cunts imo.

There are also regular pile on where the first few answers take tge thread in one direction fur no other reason that the first two answers went that way.
And even if that direction is utterly wrong or other views should be heard, nope. 90% of the answers stay stuck in that. Like sheep.

You have people not RTFT which result in awful answers. Like the oerson writes her OP worried about her dh. Thread moves on said dh has died but people answer ‘oh don’t worry. No need for A&E. It’s nothing. How dare you going there’

And in general people answer emotionally, projecting ther own experience into the OP.

So yes there ARE a few posters and answers that great.
But in AIBU in particular, it’s savage.

You've seen people on here advising women to throw out their children if they claim a trans identity? I don't think that's common. I've never seen it.

Some people on Mumsnet are - as many people are in real life - total cunts. And yes, I’m allowed to say cunt. If I told someone directly that they personally were a cunt, that would be different.

Yes, it’s moderated, but obviously that depends on people a) reporting things and b) reporting things that actually do go against the rules. Being unsympathetic, blunt, sarcastic etc isn’t typically a problem. ‘Being kind’ is no more obligatory here than it is anywhere else.

And you just have to see the answers above mines.
Extremely judgemental because someone has dare say that they don’t like MN, explaining why.
OP must be awful, unfeeling, uncaring etc… all because they dint swear. Right….

I've worked and lived around the world, and still have feelings that would be hurt at the thoughtless brutality of anonymous armchair bullies... Even tho it's silly, you'd think; why be hurt when a comment comes from a person who doesn't know you and you definitely don't like? And who thinks in ways that are ugly and undeveloped to you.
But we're human. Words hurt. Swearing and even the plainest words can hurt. Words can be flung around but there's a cost to the server and receiver, even in the anonymity here.