Is this Mumsnet for me? Shocked at responses

[Su9]

Are there no group rules here about swearing, bring unkind, basic courtesy?
Is there no admin or moderator, or is this the kind of group everyone wants and the admin is facilitating?
There are some great responses that offer food for thought, while several others are plain ugly.
People presumably write in for support and advice, so how on earth do they feel when people chuck these ugly retorts?
I'm deciding whether to leave or stay.

Don’t conflate mumsnet as a whole with AIBU.
AIBU attracts a Certain Type. And most of the traffic, which is why I like AIBU. But there are other, more gentle sections. Chat is usually more civilised although some of the AIBU arseholes do pop up a bit more these days.
At the end of the day it’s just a chat forum, if you don’t like it, there’s always Reddit 😁

And so you prove OP's point?

Ah, I am mum to a DD who trans ID’d from 12 until recently. Not sure where she sits on this now other than understanding that she is never going to be able to change sex and needs to come to terms with the idea that although she wishes she was a male, she’s not. I’ve been on the other side of the fence with people telling me I’m a cruel terf bigot who will drive her child to suicide if I don’t affirm, when actually I just thing this cohort of young women especially need love, support and acceptance while they work this stuff out, which takes time. And their families need the same while they navigate it all. MN can be a tough place wherever you sit on that issue, sadly.

AIBU is definitely quite harsh. Recently showed DH a thread and he was suprised it was so hostile and I had to explain to him that no that’s just AIBU, most of the other boards are fine.

Probably the most kind and supportive positive experience I’ve had was on the baby name thread on my old account. Worlds apart from AIBU. I was a bit anxious to post because of previous experience and was expecting people to rinse our name choices but it was actually great and we got our second daughter’s name from there.

Agree with OP, not always very pleasant, some very aggressive types, drinking?, or bitter and judgmental . What's so special about swearing in a forum, to a lot of people you don't know who try to air an issue. Toxic.

Yes, Ive noticed that about the first posts taking it in a particular direction. There are definitely some arseholes on MN. And there are slso plenty if ppl who cant follow an argument .

Ive seen posters come on Mumsnet with some query clueless and been given a great deal of help and advice by others who have some knowledge of the situation. The OP does not always engage or take the advice but that's for them. Yes you will get some hostile responses but you just scroll on past.

We swear here like fuck we do!

I agree. Someone posted about their difficult 12 year old and someone told the op to slap her!! I mean wtf.

That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the 'why did you have children with this man?' type question. It's pointless. Advising the OP not to have more (or any) is different.

It's the posters that say great dad etc when he's an absolute cunt they get pages of advice which equals years of life experience then sod off when they don't get the responses they want.
Don't take advice fair enough
But when it gets too 12 pages of going round in circles 🤷

Crazy, hey? Cos no one is responding to the concept of kindness, really sad, and this is supposedly a connected grp. Anyway, enough said.

Yet, you won’t define ‘kindness’!

this is supposedly a connected grp

Is it? In what way? How does that work then? How do you know it isn't? Because some people swear? The cunty un-grp-y bastards!

Adults swear its a form of how some speak or show how ludicrous some are.
Polite or not ita not a christain website.

Including the fact some people change and become alittle to comfortable in a relationship or behaviour towards a partner becomes abusive...bit hard to know.

I doubt anyone has a problem with the concept of kindness. However, it's the patronising #BeKind mantra, usually directed at women, that's objected to on Mumsnet. Why should we be kind? Kindness doesn't always solve a problem.

It's clear you have come on to this forum without knowing much about it, and without reading Talk Guidelines, so you don't, I'm afraid, get to try and tell people how to Mumsnet 'better'!

Isn’t that a representation of society though? I found it hard at first (20+ years ago!), but I think it has taught me to not engage with nobheads (mostly), and not to get upset when an opinion differs to mine. It’s actually been helpful in rl to know that some people are actually real arseholes, and avoidance is a great tactic. I think I’d been somewhat sheltered previously. It’s also taught me to be more considered in my posts, and to take it on the chin when I’m the one being a nobhead.

In real life, in workplaces, there are always one or two people who have to cause trouble for others, arent there. The ones who say things behing people's backs, the ones who enjoy stiring up trouble for other people. We've all met them. And I suspect they are the same ppl who come on Mumsnet and deliberately try to be as unpleasant as possible. I think some people just have a kind of almost pathological hatred or jealousy of other people. They are very gimlet eyed and just look for any weak spots they can exploit. They are usually ppl compensating for deep insecurities in their own lives. They are bullies and ppl shouldnt side with them out of fear of being picked on if they dont. As a culture we need to develop a much more robust attitude to troublemakers.

My biggest bugbear is not with swearing or different view points but the number of people who don't read the post or the updates properly and then the OP has to repeat the same thing 4 or 5 times....

@Su9 Why are you dredging up old threads to make the same point? Do you think, somehow, that will get you sympathy or more agreement?

You clearly have an issue with Mumsnet. That's fine. Not everyone has to like it. But if you don't like it, leave! Don't just keep banging on about how you don't like it.

These posts come up regularly. I'll repeat what i always say.
Many posters think that AIBU is MN, and post anything on it. If you post on the appropriate board you will usually get useful advice.
Many posters think that people are being unkind when they are not validated.they're not.
I bloody love MN. The gender issues board has interesting, well-informed posts. Over the last few years MN has been under pressure to close these discussions down and, to their credit, have resisted.
Yes, sometimes threads can be a nest of vipers but i just don't click on them.

A lot of posters lack a sense of humour as well; or cant follow an argument and have very odd logic.

I can assure you people are told to chuck their DC out. I can't link tonight as I'd have to search an old user name but I will tomorrow.
I'm eagerly waiting for an example of this, as i've never seen it. And i go on the board a lot.

Yes. Much as I detest the statement made which is of course a typical anti semitic trope ( as I do the other one mentioned where a poster was agreeing with eugenics), both are statements showing you who those people are. The only way to counter those beliefs is if you know they are there.

I do of course fell tempted to call for the banning of people saying they believe or agree with things that are patently not true and/or racist tropes but I do think that is very very difficult to police in a way that does not just become shutting down of everyone who does not agree with a particular viewpoint.

There are plenty of other forums that do this and proper debate over anything contentious is impossible as it gets shut down.

I think MN gets this mostly just about right myself, yes sometimes some very unpalatable beliefs are spouted but in the chaos of heated argument and sometimes even anger, some very interesting debates happen where I learn quite a lot

It is a very robust place though and not for the faint hearted.

Personal attacks are definitely not allowed though and are definitely policed if reported. They are just actually pretty rare in the posts I have seen in over 20 years.