I’m not surprised but why do I still care?

[Sadowl]

I was supposed to be setting off to
a concert in an hour. I’m not. He started yesterday, as usual, being nasty, going at me. I was getting prepped- snipping at me until I just gave up and got in bed.
Now i either go looking terrible, with a fake smile- which i can do- i’ve done it a 100 times. Or I don’t go, be the let down for our friends again. Then it’s my fault. Everything ruined or every happy memory tarnished every time. I look back at photos of lovely days out, kids so happy, knowing what I put up with to get us there and just feel a bit sad.

Yes, I know. It was my gut reaction on reading OP's first post. It's obviously coercive control by a narcissist. I used to be married to someone who managed - not all the time but lots - to make happy things sad and wanted always to be the centre of attention. OP needs to leave. With DC since she has them.

He’s not an excellent dad.
He’s a cunt.

You are doing your children a massive disservice by staying with him, never mind what you’re doing to yourself.

LEAVE.

If he is an amazing Dad, he will still be 50% of the time. He just won't be around you to make your life miserable when you separate.

You ARE WORTH MORE THAN WHAT YOU ARE SETTLING FOR. Imagine how happy you could be.

I’m sorry, TWELVE years?!

I do this with AI for all kinds of personal and relationship situations and find it incredibly clarifying. I It has been helpful in grounding me, helping me understand patterns, etc.

It is easier than talking to other people who end up having feelings about your situation.

This is no life. For you. Or your kids.

If only you believed you deserved better.

Until you have this realisation, you'll waste away your existence with a loser.

You have to find the strength to leave. 🌸

Op one of the reasons why it's so difficult to leave an abusive relationship is that you spend so much time doing mental gymnastics about someone else's mood/ emotional regulation/ preferences that it's utterly draining and you end up putting so much of yourself into just surviving it on the day to day along with all of life's other responsibilities that you don't have the capacity to plan leaving because you're already running on fumes.

If he's starting a row with you before you go out every time with other people then I'd say that is rooted in control and jealousy. He's ensuring that you're under his thumb before you go out with other people. It's a form of coercive control and its very hard to see because each incident on its own is just him in bad form, but the pattern that it happens every time you're about to go and socialise isn't a coincidence.

I cannot say this plainly enough. You cannot be a good father and abuse your kids mother. You just can't. He is depriving them of the best of you. The version of you that has more emotional bandwidth because she's not analysing his mood in the background all the time. I've no doubt that you work probably extra hard to compensate for this with your kids to make sure they don't know what's wrong but having worked with kids who have grown up watching domestic abuse, op - they always know. At the very least they're growing up watching that this is how you act as a husband and this is how you should be treated as a wife. It's not a good blueprint for them for future relationships but your marriage is going to be their point of reference when they get older and start to have relationships of their own. So if you leave you will not be depriving them of a loving father. You will be showing them that there are boundaries people do not cross, that treating people with respect matters and that they are allowed to stand up for themselves when others treat them badly. Those are really positive messages and there's nothing to stop them having a relationship with their dad if you feel it's safe for them to do so. This is your one life op, please don't waste it thinking your needs are not important.

That’s coercive control! Leave this arsehole! Why are you still with him?! There isn’t a good enough reason on this earth to put up with someone treating another human being like that!

Excellent dads don't treat the mother of their children like dirt!

i think my weakness is my ability to bury stuff and be immediately ok. Honestly, OP, I think I have a very similar personality and have been in a similar situation. In many ways it is a weakness (not always) and, although I eventually managed to end the marriage, my biggest regret is that I didn't do that earlier. No matter how bright face you put on, the children will know and I hate that I didn't get them out of that situation much earlier. If you can manage to do that, I'm sure you will go on to have a much happier life. I did - just wish I'd done it years earlier.

Huge red flag here.
Get some support if you can.
This is abusive behaviour.
Take care

And Love yourself.
Loving yourself is NOT a feeling.
Its a JOB

she just loves the drama

YABU to think he is a good dad, and to be focusing on him instead of you.

You are not going to the concert because of him and how he is making you feel. Start using language about you , your feelings, without mentioning him. It will change your thinking and hopefully that 12 year prison sentence will end up giving you early parole.

YABU to remain in what is clearly an abusive relationship OP. Extricate yourself and start living.

This is how he keeps you inside. It's coercive control. The only reason you're thinking of not going is due solely to his behaviour.

Don't be me @Sadowl . Go to the concert and try to enjoy it. Then tomorrow think about what you want to do. Please don't wait for 12 years until your children grow up. The goalposts will move you know. Please think of yourself, your children will know what's going on

It's called coercive control! They plan days out/holidays, build you up, let you look forward to it, then ruin it for you on the day. It proves to them they can control the situation! They get a kick out of it. So why you still with him btw?

I know- depressing isn't it. And they always think the kids don't know. And they are often wrong about that.

Don’t treat your children like idiots, of course they know. They can hear him being horrible to their mother and believe it or not, the children won’t thank you in the future for staying for their sake because they’re living in a toxic household. Do yourself a favour and get everything in order and then leave him because it will never get any better.

this. All of this.

My ex used to do this. I went anyway.

You are being unreasonable to yourself and children by staying in this relationship!

He's not an excellent dad if he treats their mother like this

You are in a relationship with an abuser. You need to understand that they know exactly what they’re doing. Don’t waste any of your precious time trying to work out why they are the way they are and do not try to fix them. You are not his therapist and you’re not his mother. Please choose yourself, your life and your happiness. End it, leave or make him leave, I don’t know your living circumstances. Call the domestic abuse helpline 0808 2000 247 absolutely no one should have to suffer this behaviour.