I’m not surprised but why do I still care?

[Sadowl]

I was supposed to be setting off to
a concert in an hour. I’m not. He started yesterday, as usual, being nasty, going at me. I was getting prepped- snipping at me until I just gave up and got in bed.
Now i either go looking terrible, with a fake smile- which i can do- i’ve done it a 100 times. Or I don’t go, be the let down for our friends again. Then it’s my fault. Everything ruined or every happy memory tarnished every time. I look back at photos of lovely days out, kids so happy, knowing what I put up with to get us there and just feel a bit sad.

You get up and go. And then you plan to leave so you don’t find yourself right back here again.

it’s abuse.

I think your question should be "why am I still with this arsehole?"

Leave him.

First post nails it. Go to the concert, have fun, and then start to make an exit plan to start afresh, and to start living your life.

Go! Doesn't matter how bad you look or feel, go. He's doing it so you don't go. Don't give him what he wants. And when you get back, dump him.

Go to the concert!
no one will care what you look like - you cannot let him do this, it is coercive control.

Get up, get showered, get dressed and go to the concert. Enjoy your friendships and make plans for your future without him when you get home. Life's too short....

To edit, i’m supposed to be there with him and our friends.

go. hes doing this to keep you indoors with him so you dont leave him.

which is exactly what i’d be doing. leaving him.

coercive control starts as little things and just expands exponentially.

lifes too short. get your ducks in a row and get away from him in coming days or weeks. you dont need him. tell your closest friend(s) about this.

stay safe. a man is at his most dangerous when his whipping boy is leaving him.

cross posted. why is he coming? are other partners there? or is he keeping an eye on you…..

YABU to put up with his shit.

Stop being sad & down, and instead get angry that someone who is supposed to love you & want nice things for you, instead choses to spoil your happy moments - for what? What benefit does he get?

I assume he doesn't want to go? So leave him at home & go and gave a few hours with normal people away from this miserable control freak.

You get to be the main character in your own life. Not him.

So why are you staying in the relationship?

Other husbands are there. Definitely doesn’t try and keep me indoors, no jealousy etc. It’s just like he has to ruin everything nice, every single time. x

You know why you wrote this post op. It’s the first step. Be strong. Good luck 💐

Have you pointed it out to him & asked him why he behaves like this?

why are you tolerating this? It sounds miserable and he sounds a right prick!

He’s going whether i went or not. I’ll make up an excuse about being poorly.

Why make up an excuse? Just tell him you don't want to go because he will only ruin it for you again.

And whilst he's gone, start making arrangements to leave.

He has to change
or you have to leave.

But first you have to change. Because neither of those things will happen before you do.

Get back in your body
I do this by putting my hand on my sternum and grounding my feet on the floor.
Take at least three deep breaths.

What do you feel like doing right now? Because that’s more important than how it looks to others or what he wants or expects.

You matter and you are not responsible for holding it together under this kind of duress.
For pretending to have fun despite being attacked.

OK, if they are really his friends and you don’t fancy it, don’t go. But do do something else, take yourself off into another city, go to see your own friends if you can arrange it, if not just go swimming and our for lunch on your own.

But if you do want to go, go. And I would make a point of digging at him and making it clear that all is not well in front of his friends “oh don’t ask Pete if he wants a drink, last night he ignored me and then called me a nag!”. Or “sorry about Pete, he’s behaving like a sulky toddler at the moment- I think he can’t deal with the heat.” Maybe confide in a few of the friends who are actually “yours” about what’s been going on. Make things difficult and awkward for him.

Do not, under any circumstances, stay at home- that is letting him win.

And yes, make a plan to leave him asap, this is abuse and life is too short. Do you work? Is the house yours/ joint names? Could you go and stay with family, cheap Airbnb, in a caravan for a few weeks over the holidays and leave the twat to stew while you make a plan?

I don’t know. I’m so tired. I had quite a lot happen in a short space of time. Kids love him, he’s an excellent dad. I just keep thinking 12 more years and i can leave

I know it sounds trite but you can’t keep doing the same thing and get a different result.

So if it doesn’t impact the children, and normally you’d go and pretend to be ok, I’d skip it. Unless you can enjoy yourself, or it’s an important concert for you.

Yes because all excellent dads treat the mother of their children like shit.

Honestly, the bar for 'excellent dad' is so low on this forum, it's buried under a tonne of rubble.

Excellent dads don't abuse their kids mother.

The kids loving him doesn’t stop if you split up, they will still see him. They don’t deserve 12 more years of their mum being miserable and worn down by a man, faking it through life. They deserve 2 parents present who love them, even if that’s in different houses. So don’t kid yourself that you are staying ‘for the kids’.