I’m not surprised but why do I still care?

[Sadowl]

I was supposed to be setting off to
a concert in an hour. I’m not. He started yesterday, as usual, being nasty, going at me. I was getting prepped- snipping at me until I just gave up and got in bed.
Now i either go looking terrible, with a fake smile- which i can do- i’ve done it a 100 times. Or I don’t go, be the let down for our friends again. Then it’s my fault. Everything ruined or every happy memory tarnished every time. I look back at photos of lovely days out, kids so happy, knowing what I put up with to get us there and just feel a bit sad.

We get but one very short life. Why are you spending even another second living your life in this way. It’s wasteful and unnecessary.

You say he’s an excellent dad which I don’t actually believe because excellent dads don’t treat the mother of their children like this but either way, he can be the excellent dad you claim he is when you’re not married to him. Your relationship with him and your children’s relationship with him are two separate things.

If one of your children came to you as a grown up and told you they felt as miserable and stuck as you do right now would your advice be to just wait 12 more years, no it wouldn’t. Why value yourself any less?

This.

So why are you with him??? Change nothing, nothing changes. Do something.

You could start saving your life today - do you really think you owe anyone, including your children, twelve years of misery?

My favourite was the bar for men is so low they're limbo dancing under it in hell. But yes, I see so many women say their shitty partner is a good dad, but he's not, because he's doing what you said and being a shitty partner.

No, he’s a shit dad. He is abusive and by default, your children are living in an abusive home.

You think they don’t know but they do. You owe it to them to leave now.

He’s not a good Dad at all, he’s an abusive prick.

I've said it before and I'm saying it again now. Excellent dads don't treat the mother of their children like shit. He's not an excellent dad, he's an abusive arse. Treating you like this makes him feel good.

Leave now, don't wait. In 12 years time, your kids will be totally fucked and you are likely condemning them to dysfunctional relationships of their own.

Why on earth do you put up with it, oi know people’s circumstances are different but someone would only do this to me once. Make a different life for yourself and get the happiness you deserve.

Why do you think he does this OP? Starts picking pointless fights and criticising and needling you over stupid things in the run-up to any event that you are looking forward to?

And what did he say when you told him he'd spoilt things again and you weren't going to go to the concert? Is he sulking with you now because you wouldn't go, or doesn't he care?

Are you not supposed to react to his needling, just brush it off like it didn't happen? Or does he want you to get upset, then he can gaslight you and tell you you are imagining things and he did nothing wrong?

He’s an abusive shit. A clever one at that. No doubt your friends and family think the su shines out of his arse because he hides his shitty behaviour and you are keen not to be the one who upsets the apple cart (not a criticism btw).

He’ll never change. You have a choice. Get out now and expose him for the prick he is or kick the can down the road. Both will be painful and disruptive, but one avoids another decade of suffering his crap.

OP you are deeply in denial if you think this is not damaging your kids. They will grow up and seek similar situations.

Behave

This

You go with your friends

Yeh my ex husband was like that just before we left for anything . I think he just was a complete narcissist who wanted everything to be about him, so he would come across as the life and soul and I would look miserable because I was feeling like shit.

This man is not a good dad if he treats their mother this way. It sounds like you have tried marriage guidance but staying in a toxic relationship is not good for children and terrible for you. Stop making excuses for him. He is not a good person and is abusing you.

Tell him to stay home because you are divorcing him and go yourself

this is abuse and you sound extremely dangerously depressed i assume you are in meds and he abuses this too ?

I hear you. You are not ready to leave. I would suggest a few things - sign up to an AI - eg Gemini and start to discuss his behaviour with it. It can actually suggest very helpful short term steps - walk away from any confrontation and look after yourself with empathy. Consider quiet quitting the relationship. Here you remain together but emotionally divorce yourself from the drama. Finally, document his actions so you don’t gaslight yourself into thinking this is okay - see it as logically collecting data. So when he is horrid, log it on your notes app and file it away. Strip it of all emotion.

it’s your choice to go or stay. Hugs

You are being subjected to coercive control. Go to the concert. Next thing, begin preparing to leave this person. I hope you have no DC, for he will destroy them as well, to get at you.

He's not a good dad, he is destroying you and all your happiness. If you think the DC don't know, they do. They may even be pretending to like him for your sake. You need to sort out leaving. His abuse will harm your DC as well as you. And go to the concert and have fun. Have a drink, be happy.