I’m not surprised but why do I still care?

[Sadowl]

I was supposed to be setting off to
a concert in an hour. I’m not. He started yesterday, as usual, being nasty, going at me. I was getting prepped- snipping at me until I just gave up and got in bed.
Now i either go looking terrible, with a fake smile- which i can do- i’ve done it a 100 times. Or I don’t go, be the let down for our friends again. Then it’s my fault. Everything ruined or every happy memory tarnished every time. I look back at photos of lovely days out, kids so happy, knowing what I put up with to get us there and just feel a bit sad.

Don’t let his isolate you from your friends. Get up and go, and confide in them about your home life!

Don’t you dare. This is what he wants.

you won’t look terrible, you’ll look fine and you need to also think about how you’re covering for his behaviour and not letting people see what he’s doing to you.

get yourself dressed, get in that car and go to the concert. Do not let him beat you down. Because he is absolutely trying to control you and keep you locked up, he’s just doing it in a way that makes you get in the cell and lock the door behind you. So he can say it was your choice.

your children are growing up in an abusive home, this is the home life they’re being shown is normal.

12 years of this? You only live once.

Definitely go. Don’t let him bring you down again.
Don’t book anything with him again and just say you don’t like social events with him so you’re not going.
Then make plans to leave.

Ffs - have more self respect and love for yourself and leave. Start again.

You definitely go! Please go! And then you have to leave, and leave immediately. This is no way to live, even if you uphold your vows, you have to leave.

Please go. I know how exhausting it must be to put on a face and pretend, but go and have fun with your mates and afterwards definitely make a plan for leaving. Life is too short. U deserve to be happy.

They do. I knew from an early age exactly what was going on in my parents marriage.

Please leave. Don’t waste any more time in this relationship. From what you’ve said, it seems like your DH is doing everything he can to make sure he gets a day out without you. If I were you, I’d let him go and use the time to start the ball rolling on you leaving him. Plans take time to organise, so don’t go back to bed, find your anger and use it to get up and get yourself out of this toxic relationship.

This

Take control of the situation and get this abuser out of your life.

12 more years and he'll have crushed your soul so much that you won't have the strength to leave. Just like my mum did to my dad.

Google narcissistic personality, and make a plan to get out. You are being abused, and your life will be so much happier without him.

This is coercive control and highly abusive.

Please reach out to a domestic abuse charity that will be well versed in the tactic.

He sounds horrendous and unhinged.
This is so deliberate.

Please seek help.

Start keeping detailed notes, dates etc.
These will be useful.

Coercive control is a crime.

Come on girl, get up and go out. Ignore that piece of shit. You know you have to leave him, however you do it, it needs to be soon.
No one has the right to control you or your choices.
Make sure you enjoy your night.

OP, he’s a nasty control freak. You will end up leaving him - it’s just a matter of whether or not you put up with another twelve years. I used to say when my youngest left home, I’d be walking out of the door too - in the end, I just couldn’t hack it any longer, so I got out - best thing I ever did. You deserve a life as well, and he isn’t letting you have one.

For me being a good husband goes hand in hand with being a good father as children would benefit from having two happy parents

He isn't an excellent dad. He is an abusive husband who makes his children's mother unhappy. Excellent Dad's don't do that.

Whenever a woman in an abusive relationship describes her partner as ‘an amazing dad’, the reality very rarely matches that description.

What does he do that makes him ‘amazing’? Because a man who ruins every outing for his partner is not amazing in any way.

You need to leave, your health matters.

Let him go and use the time to yourself yo start a separation.

Go. Enjoy the time with your friends. Zone him out as much as possible and afterwards start planning your exit. I had an ex a bit like this, every event became a battle and tarnished with his shitty behaviour leading up to/during what should be a nice time. It’s no way to live.

Pack his bags while he's out

OP you do not have to put up being treated poorly by anyone! DH is supposed to be on your side, have your back so make plans to leave before your DC really work this out, if you stay with him you are letting him teach them very unhealthy relationship dynamics.

Please go to the concert and also tell a friend IRL about what is going on.

Sao the kids are young. They will
adapt. They will get used to a new way of living. They will get used to seeing him to a new timetable.

the kids need a happy healthy mum. What state will you be in in 12 years?

You will be more worn down and kids will be able to tell that you are a shell of a person. It will impact your relationship with them as adults/when they have families etc.

Leave now whilst you can and have two households where the kids are loved and see their parents at their best and happiest.

Hi everyone, thanks for all your replies. I’ve not gone, which I think he was gobsmacked by but by that point I couldn’t face it. He tried to persuade me but I pointed out it was ruined before it started.
To add context, outwardly you would not think a thing was wrong with me. I’ve got lots of friends in different circles including a core of best friends of 25 years plus. I’m bubbly and not a shrinking violet at all.
I totally agree that he shouldn’t treat the mother of his children how he does but he genuinely loves them so deeply is a 50/50 parent and has all the time in the world for them. While obviously this pleases me in a weird way it makes how he is with me more gutting. My own dad left and that was that.
The kids are happy, they have loads of friends that are always here and our home is chaotic- having had a lonely childhood i wanted that for them.
I was so upset this morning and i know my earlier posts made me sound a bit daft. I know it’s not right, i think i wanted confimation i wasn’t mad. Ive tried counselling she more or less confirmed i know what’s wrong but won’t make moves to solve it. I’m not silly, just a bit worn down. A lot happened in a short period of time and i’m not sure i’m ok yet. I do appreciate all the advice- i think my weakness is my ability to bury stuff and be immediately ok. Because today wasn’t for the kids, i think i’ve just not done that.

This is exactly it x

he is not an excellent father if he denigrates their mother and makes her unhappy. If I had 5p for every woman on here who has posted that she is married to some kind of arsehole but can't leave because he is a good/loving/excellent dad, I wouldn't need to do the lottery.