I’m not surprised but why do I still care?

[Sadowl]

I was supposed to be setting off to
a concert in an hour. I’m not. He started yesterday, as usual, being nasty, going at me. I was getting prepped- snipping at me until I just gave up and got in bed.
Now i either go looking terrible, with a fake smile- which i can do- i’ve done it a 100 times. Or I don’t go, be the let down for our friends again. Then it’s my fault. Everything ruined or every happy memory tarnished every time. I look back at photos of lovely days out, kids so happy, knowing what I put up with to get us there and just feel a bit sad.

You might want to start a thread in relationships for a more supportive response that’s focused on you.

12 more years?! Don’t do this to yourself.

Plan your separation and get out of this relationship.

12 years! Please don't put up with this for 12 years. Life is far too precious and short to lumber yourself with this miserable bastard.

Stop being a martyr and feeling sorry for yourself and leave.

Go. This is day one of your new life.

He's not an excellent dad. He ruins everything. He makes their mum.miserable.

12 more years?! No, don’t put up with being abused for 12 more years!

he’s not an excellent father if he’s treating their mother like this.

You can leave now. Stop allowing this to happen to you and using your kids an excuse to be feeble.

No, he isn't an excellent dad if he is making his kids' mother miserable. Don't waste anymore years of your life on him.

It makes me laugh when people say this he's not an excellent dad because he abuses the mother.

He doesn’t sound an excellent dad. Where are your kids today whilst you were both supposed to be at a concert?

The children don’t know i’m sad, i’m very present, we do lots of lovely things and they’re very happy.
He is an amazing dad, he’s z terrible husband.
I’m not stupid, i think i’m just a bit wounded from the past. I don’t know 😩

He's not an excellent dad if he's abusive to you.

If he's genuinely an amazing dad, then split custody and get out of the marriage.

You think it's acceptable for a father to make his children's mother miserable ?

You will think they cannot see you are sad but children can pick up on the tension.

Don't let your children's childhood become a countdown so you can leave him. Start to think of how it might look if you were free from this. How do you get there?

In what way is he an amazing dad?

I've just never known a man who long term, consistently, over and over, treated his wife like a piece of shit but was loving, caring, engaged, present and good moral guidance for his children.

What I do find is that the kids adore them when they're little and pretty much programmed to adore their parents, then it all hits the fan when they reach their teens and start thinking independently and critically.

They know how many of us remember our parents for what they think they are hiding

How on earth do you know they dont know? Maybe take this as a wake up call and do something about it

And yes this is harsh

I can relate to this. I fortunately left 11 years ago and never looked back. You know what he's doing and you know the impact he's having on you. Please, reach out to an organisation such as Women's Aid for support. This is coercive controlling behaviour. It's domestic abuse. I am so sorry you're going through this x

Stop enabling him.

Start enabling yourself.

The name sadowl says a lot. You're obviously in a toxic relationship. Obviously don't know the intricacies of your situation but you need to get out asap.

Of course they know, you feel the vibe so do they. Don’t kid yourself.

So he bashes you down so he gets to go out by himself and you stay home with the children?

and you think that’s a great dad?

He’s done a number on you. Many of us have been there. But you see it more clearly when you break free.

You are kidding yourself, kids aren’t stupid. You aren’t doing this for them so why stay?

You leave this man. This is abuse. He is not an excellent dad. If he was why on earth would he treat the mother of his children this way? You may think this is all hidden from the kids but I promise you it isn’t. Rather they are aware of every voice inflection, every fake smile and tread on eggshells. It may not be conscious but the feeling of being on edge and not quite knowing why is there as a child.
My heart goes out to you as things are so much harder when you’re in it. But you deserve a life without being treated like this. Maybe consider baby steps. Contact women’s aid, start figuring what’s what with finances etc, how could you support yourself, what family/friends can you talk to in real life. Good luck.