I’m not surprised but why do I still care?

[Sadowl]

I was supposed to be setting off to
a concert in an hour. I’m not. He started yesterday, as usual, being nasty, going at me. I was getting prepped- snipping at me until I just gave up and got in bed.
Now i either go looking terrible, with a fake smile- which i can do- i’ve done it a 100 times. Or I don’t go, be the let down for our friends again. Then it’s my fault. Everything ruined or every happy memory tarnished every time. I look back at photos of lovely days out, kids so happy, knowing what I put up with to get us there and just feel a bit sad.

I don't fully understand this. Is the issue that he will behave badly if you go with him? What sort of behaviour? We he behave better without you?

It’s very likely that OP is also living in a state of constant confusion about his behavior. What causes it, why she “deserves” this, how she can prevent it.

Then exhausted from trying constantly to manage the impact it has on absolutely everything.

You are splitting hairs to somehow excuse him. The effect is to alienate you from friends, to keep you hiding at home, to destroy your confidence, to take so ial pleasure awsy. people do what they do because they like the result: ergo this is the result he wants. You hide at home feeling unmade up, ugly, unloved, and isolated.

Look up divorce while you are hiding under the covers and he is at the concert. If the children are grown and go e then pack a bag and move out.

If your children don’t know now they will
do in the future. One of my parents was a fun sponge, and would become argumentative with my other parent in the run up to trips out, Christmas, birthdays, we saw the change in behaviour from both parents although everyone just pretended that everything was okay. It causes the children difficulties in the long term.

op

Such men too hate women, all of them. Make no mistake here , you were targeted by him to abuse you. I would think this individual is quite plausible to those in the outside world and that is also how he gets away with it. Abuse thrives in secrecy, you have indeed taken a small but important step in writing on here. Keep taking steps forward to your freedom.

I am so sorry that your own father left, that was not if your fault or doing. That has also had an effect on your wellbeing to this very day. Your boundaries, skewed by such polite experience, are being further eroded by this individual now. And do not kid yourself that your kids do not know about you being abused because they absolutely do. They pick up on all the vibes between you two both spoken and unspoken.

Your own dad left and secretly you think he will too if you split from him? Because he could be a wonderful dad 50/50 if you divorced if he wanted to why would he stop being the good dad if you solit?

you must secretly believe that in order to punish you, or the children, he would stop being the “good dad” if you tried to make a life for yourself. Deep down you know he is a horrible person who can not reliably love and care for you and the children without controlling and abusing you. That is his prize snd his pleasure.

Poor not polite experience

I would suggest you also post in Relationships

He’s not an excellent dad and trust me, the kids don’t love him. They paint fake smiles on too. They know they need to just keep going. My dad was just like this. My parents split when I was 10. I cannot tell you the relief I felt the day my mum told me we were leaving. I was so excited. Do it now before your kids end up properly damaged. I’m lucky we got out when we did. Staying til I was 18 would have ruined my life.

Probable that the kids do love him!

Agree that if you fear he would no longer be a ‘good dad’ post break up, it means he’s not one now.

To a certain extent, it doesn’t matter why he does this, it just matters that he does.

It doesn’t matter if he’s a good dad, it matters that he’s a shit husband.

You don’t have to stay with someone who makes you miserable because he’s a good dad, if anything that should make it easier to leave because you know he’ll look after the dcs well in his custody time.

You don’t work as a couple, you could coparent in two separate houses instead.

There’s no rush to make changes. But your happiness is also important.

Additionally OP, be wary, you said he was surprised you refused to go. He thought he could push you so you didn’t enjoy it, but you’d be at his side anyway and he wouldn’t have to explain to his friends why you weren’t there /worry they’d speak to you and ask if you’re ok. He may realise he’s gone too far this time. You may get a charm offensive. Remember how you felt last night when he was making you feel shit.

There are experienced voices here who have given you excellent advice. Fortunately I've never been in this type of situation. My DH & I are both passionate people & we do occasionally have differences of opinion which can result in an argument We either end up laughing or making up within around an hour.

You sound as if this man is making you unhappy OP. Have you had a serious discussion with him saying you are considering ending the marriage. I know a lot here would not agree with forewarning and with good reason but at least it would give him the chance to change if he knew you were serious. I'd still leave the door open though.

Im sorry you feel so sad about the way your DH treated you but what do you mean you were getting prepped-sniping at me until i gave up and got into bed?
What exactly happened, what did he say that made you give up what you were doing ?
Is this unusual or does he do this in other circumstances?

I don't often tell this but my husband's parents had split up when he was a child. He didn't speak about it, his mum was lovely. I never met his dad as he died in an accident shortly after we started dating but he had a good relationship with him. He spoke to me once about the split and when i asked him if he was sad he said "no because the sadness and arguing stopped" Never think your kids don't know.

This is exactly what he’s doing and it worked because you didn’t go.

If you are happy living like this then that’s fine but it’s your poor kids I feel sorry for.

If you aren’t going to leave you need to start standing up to him.

I bet he’ll come home saying what a great time he had and how amazing it was and how it’s a shame you decided not to go - just to twist the knife a bit more.

You're being really unfair by staying for the kids. They will feel shit when they find out you were so miserable. If you want to leave, leave. If you don't then stop moaning. 12 years is a really long time to live on edge and why don't you value life? You brought more in to the world. Do what's right by them as well as yourself.

You did something different! That’s amazing and wonderful. Keep breaking the patterns. Work on recognizing “the dance” and start making different moves. What are the triggers and how do each of you respond.

It’s a very good sign that he was surprised by you refusing to go.

If you think he’s a good person exhibiting bad behavior and bad habits, tell him when you can how sad you feel. How you want a life that doesn’t just look good to others but feels good for you, too.

You can read all the advice here but use your own brain to work toward getting what you actually want.

Do Something for yourself today, too. Don’t let the day be ruined even though the concert was a no-go.

Just go and make the best of it. When you have really serious health problems/have just lost someone, forcing yourself to go and make the best of things actually can make you feel better. Sounds strange, but it's true for many of us. Just focus on the good things, ignore the bad. Life is never perfect for long.

I don't quite understand OP. At first I thought you were going out on your own and this was the usual controlling husband BS. But you were both meant to be going out. What was he sniping at, is it when you dress up/put on makeup? In any case he sounds so nasty. I hope you can start formulate a plan here. Good luck x

I disagree with everyone who advises that OP must go to the concert or she will be letting him win.
Win what? He's already affecting her life in a very serious manner. So he's already won if it's being described in that way.
The sadness goes deep and can't be stopped by a "you go girl" attitude.

This concert does not have any bearing on the many years of life that are ahead.
Describing yourself as 'so tired' is saying she has given up hoping for better. IME.

Who went to the concert and who stayed at home is hardly the issue here.
In the long run she'll either stay and live in a zombie like state of misery and despair or leave.

My advice to the OP is from personal experience. Eventually I got so fed up of feeling hopeless around any celebrations or outings that I stopped planning any. Just told him everything was cancelled and refused any plans.

When he suggested stuff I told him that no, obviously we can't go.
This made him determined that I agree to his dillusions that we could actually go out. I didn’t go.

In the end I wanted to leave and get away and be peaceful much more than I wanted him. I still love him but I value my health more.

As the adult child of a couple who “stayed together for the children”, if you are this unhappy you really aren’t doing your children as much of a favour by staying with him as you think you are. One of your jobs as a parent is to model what a safe and healthy relationship looks like, and what sort of behaviour they should emulate and tolerate. If he’s a 50/50 parent then great, he can be a 50/50 parent in a separate home. You deserve more imo.