I’m not surprised but why do I still care?

[Sadowl]

I was supposed to be setting off to
a concert in an hour. I’m not. He started yesterday, as usual, being nasty, going at me. I was getting prepped- snipping at me until I just gave up and got in bed.
Now i either go looking terrible, with a fake smile- which i can do- i’ve done it a 100 times. Or I don’t go, be the let down for our friends again. Then it’s my fault. Everything ruined or every happy memory tarnished every time. I look back at photos of lovely days out, kids so happy, knowing what I put up with to get us there and just feel a bit sad.

Another 12 years is a bloody long time to live with an abusive bully.

Don't kid yourself your kids won't be picking up on this stuff either.

He's not a good dad, he's treating their mother with disdain and disrespect, and the children will mimic his behaviour as they grow up. Leave him. Please.

He isn’t a good dad. Good mum’s or dad’s don’t treat the other parent like shit. What happens when you wait those 12 years and in that time he’s treating the kids like shit too? The kids will see how he treats you and know because they aren’t stupid and will absolutely be picking up on your feelings. Kids always know.

Children are very perceptive, even subconsciously, and they will be affected by your unhappiness and their dad’s disregard for you and his abusiveness. Twelve years is long enough to make you and your children very badly affected by their awful father.

But don’t you see @Sadowl

youre doing HIS dirty work! He’s making it impossible for you to go, so you choose not to. He’s still keeping you in, restricting your movement, but you’re the one choosing to stay put.

go to the fucking concert, choose your friends and TELL THEM what’s going on. They’re going to be there for you.

spoiler alert - they probably already know he’s a controlling arsehole.

If there's no jealousy then it's a narcissistic trait to ruin a day you are looking forward to. I'm still unclear if they are his friends, your friends or joint. If his don't go but otherwise go, try and enjoy but if there is any chance to speak to your friend do so.
Start writing down all the nasty jibes in a journal or on your phone to keep records of dates and events happening. He will try and deny them so best to record. Can you ever record him on your phone without him seeing if you think he is going to start? If he is a narcissist he will try and gaslight you.
Start to quietly get your things together. No idea how things are financially etc. Get hold of his financial info if you can. You don't have to leave today but get your ducks in a row and plan for it (not in 12 years time).
Not sure how old your eldest is (? 6) but they will start to notice your forced smile in the next few years. Good luck x

@Sadowl in 12 years time, if you leave, you’ll be healed and happy and loved. Your kids will have blossomed and bloomed having left this toxic swamp of an upbringing and you will be so proud of them.

if you don’t get out, they’ll probably vote with their feet as soon as they can and you’ll be stuck with this appalling man.

dont waste your life on this man. He’s not worth it. Your kids are worth more than this, you are worth more than this.

I rarely comment on here but @Sadowl you saying that you would stick this situation out for another 12 years struck a chord with me. I'm the adult child of a mother who did that and it didn't make me feel appreciative of a happy chilhood (although I did have one) or grateful to my mum for "sacrificing" her happiness. It just made me feel guilty and I had to go back through 20 odd years of happy family memories thinking "was that a lie was she faking it ?". Later I came to realise that it was more complex than that and they probably were happy memories but I was only in my early 20s and wasn't good at nuance.

Our situation is different because my dad wasn't/isn't abusive. She just fell out of love. I'm very close to my mum and I understand why she made the decision that she did but when I hear /read people (usually woman) saying "only another X amount of years to go, I'll wait until they're at university, I'll wait until they're settled" my heart sinks. I get the loving intention behind it but its not a good thing to do. If my parents had split up when I was in primary school.l I imagine it would have hurt and been traumatic but I would have got through it and by the time I got to my early twenties it would have been my reality for at least half my life. Instead it felt like my whole life had collapsed on me.

I've voted YABU because you've let him ruin your plans (rather than because I think he's been reasonable, which of course he hasn't).

Do you think that you NOT going has made him think a bit more about how he treated you?

I hope so. That is no way to live

12 more years?!
Why on earth would you do that to yourself? Do you want to get ill?
Leave.
I wish I’d left much earlier than I had.

This. Stop telling yourself that you're staying with this horrible man because 'he's an amazing dad.'

he genuinely loves them so deeply is a 50/50 parent and has all the time in the world for them

Well good, he's their dad. Let's not hold this up as a gold standard of anything - it's no more and no less than it should be.

This lady is in an abusive relationship. Making suggestions to poke the bear especially in front of his friends will only go one way & that will not be good for the OP

I genuinely wonder what planet people are on when they make these suggestions or just cut & paste from chat gpt without reading/thinking.

OP I’d either go to keep the peace knowing that is the last time & making plans to leave or not go & Spend the time he is out planning how to leave or actually leaving if there is somewhere safe you can go stay.

today do what’s going to keep you the safest but don’t stay, life is so much better when you aren’t being abused

You have learned to put on a brave face. Get ready and do the same this time . Try to have a nice time with your friends and try not let the inevitable behaviour on your partner's part spoil it. This is learned behaviour on both your parts and has developed into a pattern.

You'd be best putting some energy into sorting out what kind of future you might be able to carve out for yourself in the future, when the time is right for you, or maybe doing some relationship counselling, if your partner is willing to attend this. Maybe he won't but at least you will have raised it as a possibility beforehand, and if you do part event, you will have tried your best at trying to resolve matters, or at least finding out why he behaves as he does.

I get you don't feel you can just up and leave, its really not always that simple is it. You can be more boundaried around this behaviour -

"He started yesterday, as usual, being nasty, going at me. I was getting prepped- snipping at me until I just gave up and got in bed"

Whilst I imagine the giving up and going to bed is pure exhaustion from his behaviour, if you are safe (is he physcially abusive?) call him out - "you are being nasty, your continued pattern of behaviour towards me is classed as abuse, until you can talk to me kindly and with respect you don't get to talk to me"

walk away, take your space - the pause is important. Don't allow anything else to be said until there is calm and he can have a rational conversation with and apology and a plan to change behaviour.

People get stuck in these cycles for so long it becomes the norm - break your norm. This isnt normal or ok.

He’ll never change! I speak from 13 years experience with a similar dickhead! I lost many friends and it’s only cause I’m a stubborn old mule that I didn’t lose my family too! Best thing I ever did was to leave the fucker! My now DH encourages me to go out with family and friends if I’m wavering and saying I can’t be bothered he’ll tell me get my ass dressed up and make an effort to go out as family and friends are important! Such a difference!

sorry he treats you this way.

While you stay, you could stop participating in social things with your H and reduce family things around which he does this behaviour.

If good friends ask why you could tell a version of the truth: ‘DH is often unpleasant to me before and after things like this, so I’d rather meet up with you separately’.

If he truly is a good father other than how he treats you, he would continue to be after separation.

I think you’re in denial about the DC. This situation already affects them too. if they are and stay oblivious (improbable) then you leave when they’re adults, there’s risk they will think their childhood was a lie. I’m close to someone this happened to.

I see you have children do you really want your children to grow up believing this is how we are supposed to treat each other?

As a DC they knew on some level that things weren’t right but their mum put in a massive effort to hide it and make things nice for the DC, then it all fell apart when as soon as the eldest left home and he deemed the youngest ‘old enough’ their dad ended the relationship, and a lot of stuff came out. Not great for the teen / young adult DC involved.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Do not stay with him another 12 weeks, let alone 12 years. That decision will destroy you from the inside out and he’s won. He wants absolute over you and does not care about you at all. All he cares about is him and getting his needs met, that is where you come in.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see similar between your parents as a child?.

Women in poor relationships write the good dad comment or versions thereof when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. You have done precisely that.

This is also no legacy to leave your kids because they could well go onto be abused in their own adult relationships. Women’s aid would be very helpful to you.

I feel so sad for you but this is what the mumsnet. Keyboards warriors don’t understand. Its easy for anyone not in the situation to say leave but the reality is everything you have posted above.

It takes a lot to leave but you are taking baby steps and realising the relationship is not right. You still need to start planning to leave or at least putting it in your mind cos that hope of a better life will give you hope.

don’t be another statistic, don’t stay for 12 years and waste what is a short life. You say he is a good 50/50 dad already so you won’t have concerns being split up. You deserve a happy life & so do the children, if they don’t see it now, they will & staying builds his behaviour into them. Just remember that, if you have a son do you want him to turn out like his dad.

take care or yourself & the children, keep posting threads when things happen as I think all the leave the bastards and stories of survival will help you. You do survive leaving, oh that freedom when you finally heal & feel it is worth it.

You know you have a choice right? He can still be an ‘excellent’ dad if you’re not together. Life is short - go and live it - without him.

If you will honestly enjoy concert, then go.

I haven't read the whole thread @Sadowl so don't know if she's been recommended already, apologies if so. I was just going to suggest looking up Elizabeth Shaw Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse on FB. You will see her posts and be reading your life story. I hope it will help

One of the hardest parts of a tumultuous relationship is how it separates you from others.

It is normal to feel embarrassment, shame, a desire to protect the problem from others, a need to protect others from knowing you are dealing with it. All of that makes it hard to even talk to friends or family and leaves you so lonely.

I agree with everyone else who is also saying you have to change the cycle. Sometimes doing something different feels scary. Everything we do in these moments is done by instinct to keep us emotionally safe.

Are you physically safe though?