I’m not surprised but why do I still care?

[Sadowl]

I was supposed to be setting off to
a concert in an hour. I’m not. He started yesterday, as usual, being nasty, going at me. I was getting prepped- snipping at me until I just gave up and got in bed.
Now i either go looking terrible, with a fake smile- which i can do- i’ve done it a 100 times. Or I don’t go, be the let down for our friends again. Then it’s my fault. Everything ruined or every happy memory tarnished every time. I look back at photos of lovely days out, kids so happy, knowing what I put up with to get us there and just feel a bit sad.

womensaid.org.uk

My mum insisted to the day she died that my dad was a great dad. We don't remember that from childhood, we remember the way he spoke to her when drinking (often) , how she tried to hide that it upset her, make excuses for his behaviour etc

No don't make an excuse. Go.

You have a good time. Fuck him!

Is he really a good dad? Or are you glossing over the shitty father he sometimes is because him being a 'good dad' is your reason to stay?

He can be a good dad without being with you. And you can be better mum for not having him as a millstone around your neck and the constant sense of dread.

this book has been recommended on other threads, likely cheaper on Amazon

www.waterstones.com/book/why-does-he-do-that/lundy-bancroft/9780425191651

Is it just couple bickering stuff OP or is he intentionally putting you down, criticising, gaslighting? It doesn't sound good from what you say. 12 years is a long time, if you haven't already done so tell him how you feel and suggest counselling or something to address it. If he does this in front of the kids i dont think you should wait. I know leaving is incredibly hard but you sound so unhappy.

Sorry OP but an excellent dad doesn't abuse the mother of his children. You might think you have it well hidden from the children but believe me, they will know - maybe not when they're very small but as they get older - they will know and you're teaching them what a relationship is supposed to look like. Think very carefully about that - you need to leave and if you can't do it for yourself, do it for them. They need a happy mum, not one who puts on a good front.

Oh poor you OP. He’s mentally exhausted you. You can’t make decisions, you’re taking the path of least resistance, because you are exhausted. You need to rise out of the exhaustion so you can make sensible, adult decisions about your life.

it might not be fast- it might take a year or two. But if you start on the path that’s better than not.
What about some counselling (for you, not marriage counselling)

He’s not an excellent dad if he treats you like this. An excellent dad is supportive of their kids’ mum.

This is all you need to know. Do it; don’t let him diminish your life by taking away your days.

This

Whatever you do, keep your friends and interests. Both divorce and an unhappy marriage are easier with them.

Go OP.
As hard as it will be.
You will need the love and support from your friends (who I am sure already have an idea of what’s going on) when you have the courage to end it.
you deserve to be happy.

Are you working with a domestic abuse charity? Perhaps it would help you to better understand his behaviour and support you with considering how you might be able to free yourself from this?

You can't ruin 12 more years of your life on someone who makes you feel like this.

He’s not an amazing Dad if he’s abusing Mum.
The children will know you’re not happy even if you think you’re hiding it. You’re also teaching them that this is a normal relationship.

Let him go to the concert and use the time to leave.
Do you have somewhere safe you and the kids can stay for a while?

Nope. He is not an excellent dad.
Excellent dads do not treat the mother of their children like a bit of shit and make them miserable.
You have one chance at this life. Don’t waste it on him!

There is a lot of evidence that Lundy is a sexual predator taking advantage of vulnerable women on his 'retreats' and in his business life.

The book is also poorly referenced and a bit shit.

Unless he is a sophisticated telepath...the children will know...they will be learning how Daddy speaks to Mummy, they will see your body language, your defeat and exhaustion.

It's incredibly hard. It's time to plan a better life. He definitely isn't a good person so can't be a good Dad...he will begin these behaviours with the children too

Ice your face, shower and freshen up.
ignore him whilst you get ready! Do your best of the best with your make up and hair and go out with your head held sky high! Laugh loud even if its false! Even if you feel miserable inside do not give him the satisfaction

He is not an excellent dad. These abusive men are always ‘good dads’ but they are not. No excellent dad treats their mum like this. Please remember that children will be watching and learning from this. Even if you think they don’t understand it, or see it, of course they do. It will be impacting them. You need to show them this behaviour is not acceptable or they will become the abusers/ abused in the next generation as they won’t know any better.

Ignoring the issues with him, do you want to go to the concert? If you do, then go, go and enjoy it with your friends. Stand with them, dance with them and just don’t engage with him. And then start proceedings to leave him.

My parents would tell you today that they hid the arguments and abuse. They’ll both tell you that we were always in another room/ sleeping/ not paying attention.

Of course we knew it all from a young age. We didn’t tell them we knew because we didn’t want to upset mum and cause any more agro so we pretended it was ok.

Why should he go to the concert but not you doesn’t he like spending time with you or is he just spiteful and controlling
Don’t waste another 12 years on this man believe me when I say your children will know what’s going on and things won’t get any better while you enable him to treat you like he does.Do you really want to live another 12 years in misery with someone who obviously doesn’t give a toss about you

There are violent criminals serving sentences of less than 12 years for heinous crimes.
The children know. More importantly these are their memories. You think you are protecting them. You are not.
Consider taking one positive step to release yourself from this prison. The prison warden hates you
He has nothing but contempt for you. You don't need a smuggled phone to call a lawyer.