AIBU to resent DH's new job and how he's changed?

[newlifeoldme]

DH and I have been married for 4 years, no kids, no plans there. We're homebodies. We were both always WFH and our social lives revolves around his parents, my parents, his cousins. It's not a lot but it was perfect for us and we could not be happier.

At the end of last year DH got a new hybrid role with a 30% pay raise that's 4 days at the office, 1 day WFH. Now I don't recognise him anymore. I don't like crowds. On multiple weekends he's been asking if we want to take a day trip down to go explore and cafe hop all over London. Sometimes he wants to go out with his new found friends. He's asked me along but I really don't want to go to restaurants or events with his friends.

Told him he's changed but he says that I should 'broaden my horizons too as the world is bigger than our house and family'. We were happy!!

Was at his parent's place alone last week because some of his friends found a new Korean BBQ spot they want to go to (he asked me to join but it's not my scene) and his mum also feels like he's distant now too. We used to visit his parents at least once or twice a week for tea. He's barely been here once in two months!!

AIBU to resent DH's new job? Don't even seem to recognise him now.

You might be introverted but perhaps he's finding that he's not. Maybe you've held him back.

Be prepared for your life to change even more when your husband meets a woman who wants to get out there and engage with life and all it has to offer.

This isn't going to work in the long term is it?

He's asking you to go to cafes and restaurants, not massive events, football matches, concerts. Introverts can handle going to a cafe/restaurant once a week. There's more to your issues if you can't go anywhere other than family members homes - agoraphobia?

Have his parents said anything to you still centring your life around them when he's having korean bbq with his friends?

Introversion has nothing to do with being comfortable with other people or going to new places. All introversion means is that you get your energy from solitude whereas extroverts get theirs from socialising.

I'm a massive introvert but I still love going out for brunch with friends, or exploring new places, or going on day trips or weekends away. I just need to make sure I schedule in some time to "recover" afterwards.

Your husband is bored shitless if having such a tiny life.

you’re old before your time with a lifestyle as you describe @newlifeoldme

you need to find a middle ground to broaden your life to something more normal for people your age.

Perfect for you. Was it perfect for him? Sounds like a very simple and quiet life. Many would be bored with that. What about trying some of his suggestions wholeheartedly for 6 months and you might find you change for the better too.

I am a homebody and always have been but forced myself to have a bit of a sense of adventure and never regretted pushing myself.
I often find that someone who loves being around someone else’s parents and family are trying to create a perfect family scenario that’s not possible when it’s your own. And the DH not being there as much threatens that.
As a young person, WFH all week and sitting in with DH’s parents every Saturday is not healthy. It creates too much dependence on both sides.
You need an independent life. It doesn’t mean getting a job in London, but sometimes you have to step outside your comfort zone so that when change happens, you have a sense of self.

You wont, to start with.

I doubt he did initially but he had to work eith them so he couldn't withdraw.

Its very easy to become a reclusive agoraphobia type personality. Happened to me gradually until I found I preferred to order online rather than go to a supermarket.

It's much harder to break that cycle alone. He's needed work colleagues to do it.
You need him to help you.

Try it for 3 months. Just 3 months. Accept the events will be uncomfortable for you. A bit like going to the gym is not pleasurable but you do it because the rewards come later.

Then you can choose which life you prefer.
I hope you choose socialising - it saves your brain from atrophying.

Good luck

OP, you’re not really introverted.

‘Introverted’ means you like to be alone a lot, whereas what you want is to be seeing people frequently, but only people that you’re related to.

Most introverts absolutely would not want to be seeing family multiple times per week.

You’re not introverted. You’re just shy and unusually scared of change. That isn’t the same thing.

Also, while obviously not everyone wants to hang out with friends all the time - I certainly don’t - it seems like you also don’t want to do things just with your DH either. You don’t want to go into town with him to a cafe or a restaurant because you hate crowds (not sure what your definition of a crowd is).

You do need to broaden your horizons. It’s not fair on anyone to expect them to restrict their life to something as insular as the one you seem to want.

I’m not at all sociable and I am very introverted. I’d rather die than see anyone multiple times a week, family or not. However, I still want to see new things and try new foods, explore new places. It’s normal to have some curiosity about the world and to want to experience and be able talk about things other than having tea with your in-laws.

What on earth is sad about not going on holiday with your parents?

People are commenting 'he is developing as a person, life is more than ..., ' This is such nonsense, cafe-hopping is not developing as a person and going to Korean barbeques is not either. You can develop as a person inside your own home, if you put your mind to it.
He is just different from you, you married a wrong person, that is all. He thinks that going to restaurants with new found friends (read randos) is meaningful, which is laughable.
I would understand if you wrote - he became a voracious reader, he drags me to museums, theatre, etc. He started doing this charity work with his new friends, I am worried he became too cause-oriented - now, that would be 'living life and developing as a person'. not handing out, like a teenager around cafes and restaurants, like a teenager who never went out to eat before.
You have either to join him in his pursuits or divorce him - you won't have any other options.

no, i don’t think this is introverted either, i think it’s a form of social anxiety , i would guess there is a reason behind the op not wanting to go out to new places, socialise with friends, or new acquaintances etc, and it’s not just she loves eating scones with her parents or in-laws. But these things make her uncomfortable, potentially a fear of being judged, about being able to fit in, her conversation skills, etc

but this isn’t about being introverted, if it was she’d be able to mix in small groups, whomever they were,

Yes. You never know you might enjoy yourself.

You are going to have to be really brave and get out there. I know you were happy with just being around family but that really isn't healthy - you both need to socialise further.

Good luck! You can do it!
X

If this is a reverse , then it is beyond tedious .

Also -and this is SO MN

If the sexes were reversed there wouldn't be all the platitudes and ahhh posts , it would be :

"Has your husband always been so controlling"?

"I bet he doesn't say no to the 30% pay rise you're bringing to the table"

"He's not even TRYING to meet your new friends and collegues"

"He's trying to guilt you into changing your new found life and options"

"Of course he's going round family with you , he wants to to keep you in a small circle . I bet his parents are in on it . Stay In Your Lane op "

"He was happy OP , obviously you weren't and d'you know what ? He didn't fucking care that you weren't . That's not a loving partner , that's your Jailor "

Oh and the Icing on the Cake would be
"Don't have kids with this man, you'll be parenting alone "

Only on Mumsnet

@newlifeoldme

perfect for you maybe, but evidently not him.

if you don’t adapt, you will lose him.

p.s on weekends do you really never mix with people your own age?

Most of the time I'm sympathetic to the posters on here, but there is something about the way you write that sounds quite self-centred.

You write about things being perfect or good for you, and it comes across like now you're a little pissy that he's had the audacity to do perfectly normal things that you're not fussed with. He'd like to explore a few nice coffee shops in London ffs. That's about as gentile as it comes, something that old people do. He's not talking about a month in the middle of Tokyo or going backpacking in Columbia!!

Was it really perfect for him though and was he really a homebody too, as you say? Or is this something you decided on his behalf, and he was simply going with the flow as he knew it pleased you and his parents?

He's clearly more extroverted than you thought he was. You seem very routine orientated and want to have a small world, but most people aren't like this to the same degree as you are.

I think it is fine to resent the new job as it has changed everything for you - your world has been disrupted and that is scary.

However I do agree with others in that your DH would not have applied for a job thats 1x a week wfh if he didn’t want to change, or if he wasn’t bored. It isn’t a life really socialising with parents every weekend, and from what I understand you are now socialising with them alone while he is out with friends/ doing hobbies. He has found a big new world out there, and I am afraid you are going to have to support his choices and make it work with him, or walk away.

There are plenty of things people who are introverted enjoy - what have you tried?? what else would you like to do today that doesn’t involve being at your MiL’s? wheres DH, whats he up too? can you join him?

My DH is an introvert, but he married someone who loves travelling and seeing/ trying new things - he has been travelling with me now for 24 years and loves it! Aside from that he plays golf (often alone), goes to the range (alone), he walks, he paints, he cooks. These things make him happy, we compromise…. we have our closest friends over this evening and he is at the range now on his own for a few hours, while I tidy, walk the dogs etc… it works because we have grown together and we do not and should not stifle each others worlds.

To answer your question, it’s not the job that you should resent. The new situation is clearly what your h is really like (or who he’d like to be)

Your current life would be dull for most people and unless you change things by going out sometimes, you are going to grow apart from your h. If he wasn’t inviting you out then I would be more supportive of you but he wants to have adventures with you which is a green flag. I think that you should accept some invitations before the chasm is too wide.

I think that you should really look into work that isn’t WFH because I suspect that your job is a major reason why you’re struggling with socialising. BTW I think that if you were introverted, you’d be home alone reading etc. You enjoy seeing your ILs and parents because I think that you see them often enough that you have the skills and confidence to do joy that time. If you worked in an office at least once or twice a week, I think you’d be much better at meeting people and being social. I don’t mean you would start being a party animal but the regular in person contact would make you more sociable.

Your world sounds very small and insular . What’s the matter with checking out new cafes or going to a Korean bbq . Life is for living not being sheltered .

Does everything people do have to be “meaningful”? Is going out to eat with colleagues any less meaningful than sitting round his mum’s on a Saturday with a scone? It’s hardly like his life with OP is filled with intellectual meaningful pursuits, from what she’s said.

This is fair, especially as it’s clear she’s complaining to his mother, trying to get her on side to curtail whay he does. Which is so unacceptable it’s unbelievable.

How condescending! You may look down on what he and he wants to do but doubt they care!

What a weird take - do you think all the billions of adults who love going for brunch, to the pub and for meals out are all behaving like teenagers too? 😂

I'm also not sure what you mean by his new hobbies not being meaningful? So fucking what? It's not like he's sat around with OP solving world hunger, they're sitting at his mum's house, week in, week out, eating the same flavour of scones all the time😴

Im thinking this is in fact what her DH wants to do every weekend and she doesn't and is bored. I don't take this at face value anymore!

Why are his work friends 'randos' HollyhocksandPeons? You sound dismissive of DHs new gang and I couldn't help but wonder why. It feels to me like this new social group have offered DH a lifeline to exchange tea and scones with his mum for Korean BBQ and stuff he hasn't done before with new people who have had different lives. I do like a museum and I read plenty but neither are morally superior to hanging around in a cafe with a new found group of mates. I suspect DH didn't do enough of this as a teenager (too much tea and scones instead) so is making up for it now. We don't actually know how old OP and DH are so he might not be especially old.